Untitled

Low

I feel so low.
The only reason I am writing this down is to have it written down. I want to look back at this chapter in the future and think, "wow, I don't even remember feeling like that." I want to move toward, but I feel like I am stuck. I made it through the night without hurting myself, but I cried. A lot. My mom is my support system, my best friend, and my rock. I told her about everything that was going on in my life and she listened and supported me. I told her about how I was mad at my friend because she had done something really stupid, and I made her promise not to tell the girls parents. She promised.
I was on the bus home from school today, and I got a text from my best friend that was asking if I told my mom about what my other friend had done. I said yes, but she will never tell. My friend said, she told the girls parents. I was shocked. I was so upset. I got home and called my mom in tears, asking if she told, and she said absolutely not. She promised.
I texted my friend that she hadn't told the girls parents, someone else must have. She didn't text back. I cleared it up with my other friends, and most of them believed me. Not all of them.
The girl believed me. She said she was okay, and she believed that my mom hadnt told her parents. I thanked her. I texted my other friend again and asked if we could talk. She said yes. I told her again, my mom hadnt told. I said I hoped she believed me. She said she did, but it didn't add up. I agreed. But I still don't understand. I wish she didn't tell all of our friends that it was my fault. Only some of them believe me that my mom wasn't the one who told her parents. I was okay today; not exactly happy but I was okay. My friends are my shoulders to cry on, the people I can tell anything to, and now I feel like they hate me. The most messed up thing is, I didn't do anything. I really don't know what I did to deserve this, honest.
I stole a blade from the art room today, but I don't plan on using it. I guess I just wanted to know I had a choice and a chance. I don't want to hurt myself. But I feel like I am half alive. It's the same thing every day. Wake up at six, leave the house at 6:45. Go to classes, go home, do homework, and stay home for the rest of the night. I barley have time to eat; I think I have eaten 3 things today. I feel like I need help. I have so many good things to look forward to, like my music department's vacation to VA, and my summer vacation. But I can't get there. I can see it happening, but the fact that I am fighting to get there is making each day feel like a war. A war with my grades, my homework, my family, my energy, my brain. I am so tired of fighting. I have never felt this way in my life, I don't even know how to describe it. My friend is so supportive, I know I can talk to him if I need to, but he has his own problems. Why would he want to hear about mine. That's why I am writing. This time is such a low point, such a sad, tired, dragging time. I can't wait to get out of it, but I don't even know how. I wish I could drive to the airport, pick a random plane and just fly away. But I am chained. I am stuck.