Untitled

Another place

I've really been doing good these past 2 weeks, despite some unfortunate dips.
I really underestimate the joy that reading gives to me, and the fact that i can't set aside my terrible attention span for long enough to finish a book is super unfortunate, but i finished a 500 page book last week and loved every page, amazing read. Backstory, me and my friend lili went to the bookstore and she saw that damn book and was like you gotta read it dude so i bought it, and i was super skeptical, because i usually don't like fantasy, but it literally brought me to life! like it was so good, and so easy for me to read because i loved it, and now i'm reading another book, also incredible. (First book was called Carry On, the one i'm reading right now is called I'll Give You the Sun, highly recommend both.) So reading these books in the past 2 weeks has honestly saved my sanity, and I just feel pretty good all around. I should motivate myself to do more productive things, like finishing all my homework, studying, doing laundry, etc., but at least i've been reading more. That's just how I justify it.
I'm also starting to have to go to more rehearsals for my school play, which is just all around good for me because not only is it fun as fuck, i get to see my friends so many nights, dance, sing, and just have a really good time. We're starting 3 a week rehearsals this month and i'm honestly very excited. I'm also thrilled that i'm leaving for Europe in a month. Like so ecstatic. I can't wait to be there with all my friends, i've already started collecting cute outfits to weat, and i'm so ready to be an annoying tourist and take 10000 pictures. I love seeing new things, I love taking pictures of everything, especially my beautiful friends. I just feel like i have the best friends in the entire world. Completely supportive, non-judgemental, impulsive in a good way, always down to chill, always lifting eachother up. It's so good to have that kind of support system. And we are on the right side, we are always progressing and learning and teaching eachother. I feel like i really get something out of being friends with them. It makes me very happy.
Now for a couple things that have been bothering me, even though my life is going pretty good and i'm happy.
Since i'm saving up for a car, i have to work more, and since i was the last hired, i work friday nights and saturday nights, which pretty much eats up my whole weekend, so i don't get to hang out with my friends as much. But at least i'm making some money.
Waking up for school in the morning is hard, it makes me feel like i'm not a person to be honest. And the way that i physically cannot make myself do my work sometimes is pretty discouraging, but i'm working on it.
i'm trying to think of anything that i want to rant a tiny bit about, so i can get everything out. I guess one thing that has been happening is I keep kind of losing myself, like time keeps going and i'm just not present, i'm so lost in my mind. I catch myself, but sometimes there will just be periods of time where i don't even remember because i was so out of it. I guess that happens to every overworked high school student though, it's not like I'm in the minority.
I also just really miss art classes. I realized that i haven't drawn in so long, and i miss it. but i think it will be even better when i finally go back to it, to feel the happiness it brings me again.
Now some more things that are pretty great lately.
I have an appointment scheduled for hypnotherapy for my functional dyspepsia, and i'm super excited and optimistic about it. I think/ hope that it will really help me, and it would be so wonderful to finally have some of the weight of the disease lifted off my shoulders. It would truly be liberating, and i'm really hoping that it works out for me.
I've been going on my college visits lately, and I have been getting really excited about the idea of writing. I've always been a writer, it's in my blood, i love words and i love using the right ones in any situation to express the thoughts i have. It's therapeutic, informative and it takes me to different places. I can really see a future as a writer. I think it is something that i could be really passionate about. And with college, i always loved the idea of moving out of my house and going out of state, and i can finally start to see it piecing together into a reality. It is so incredible and scary, but i know i will always have wonderful people by my side, feeling the same things i'm feeling, and willing to help me through it.
I'm finally finding myself a bit. I could change so quickly, but it is encouraging to find such lovely people and places that I feel that i belong with. It is a good security, like i know that i have some plan or someone ready to help me to push through whatever fears I experience. I know that I am so lucky, and i am just feeling good lately. It feels easier to get up when i'm down, to pull myself out of any lingering darkness, and that makes me feel like i have some control. Makes me feel independent.
And although i'm burnt out from school and work, at least it's for something, you know? i'm ready to get a car with the money that i've been working to make, so i can have an amazing time with my friends this summer. I'm ready to look back on this year and be somewhat happy with the grades i got, and i'm ready for some of the classes i have requested for senior year. I'm just ready for now, and for any other place that i will be in for a while. i'm living.