Untitled

Satisfaction

The past few years have been a time for me when I could really open my eyes on who I am and why I'm here and what I believe. It has been a really eye opening time for me, just realizing things about myself that i never knew before. One of the things I've realized is that as a person, I have a really hard time gaining true satisfaction. In any situation.
I always find myself wondering if people do the same kinds of thing that I do.
If other people are never sure where they stand with their friends, if every time they say something to you your brain clicks and clicks and analyzes their tone and the words they say and their body language to see if they are the least bit angry or interested or if they care.
If other people have so many revolutionary seeming thoughts in their head, swimming in an ocean of knowledge an revelations and when they try to express it out loud to another person, it doesn't make sense. Or it isn't as cool as you thought. Or it comes out all wrong in general.
If other people look at the people around them and wonder if they will ever be happy doing the things that these people are doing, and if they wouldn't be, what would make them happy and how do you achieve that.
If other people are genuinely scared of leading a life with no drive and no purpose, no distinction and no care.
I never seem to get the satisfaction of knowing. Here are some other things about me.
I am insecure about the way I look. I always feel like people are judging me. Even when I'm alone, i think about if someone is thinking about me. And i never stop comparing myself to others.
I'm insecure because I don't have a boyfriend and I haven't had sex or even kissed a boy, because I'm 15.
I'm afraid to tell my mom that i am sad all the time, because half of my immediate family has depression and she already has to deal with them, and I don't want to make a big deal or be a burden.
I feel like people don't like to listen to me talk.
I feel pretty alone a lot of the time.
I wish I had more energy.
I wish i was sporty.
I wish i did crazy fun teenage things that my parents did.
I wish that i didn't need to distract myself from myself.
I love my family but I don't feel happy with them a lot of the time anymore. Except for my mom. My dad is back in the hospital, and I'm done with my family throwing pity parties. I'm so fucking sick of it. I get it, the situation sucks, but I'm tired of us all acting like victims.
I'm tired of trying to convince myself that I am happy.
One by one, all of my coping mechanisms are failing, and I'm lost.
I'm tired of looking for satisfaction and not finding any.

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