Untitled

Ungrateful

I wasn't sure I wanted to write this chapter, because I think the situation i'm in makes me seem like an ungrateful little child, but then i realized two things.
1. I am allowed to be sad about things that sucks.
2. This is more a diary then a story. I am not going to try to color myself in a certain way to protect how people perceive me.
So here goes:
I am a huge youtube fan. I don't know if i have mentioned it in any previous entries, but now i have soo..
One of my favorite youtubers of all time is Troye Sivan. I love his videos, I LOVE his music. I got into TRXYE last year, and I have loved his music ever since. When WILD came out for preorder, I bought it immediately. I already knew every word to all the songs on TRXYE, so i couldnt wait to learn every lyric of every song on WILD. Which is precisely what I did. I love every song. Now, one month until Blue Neighborhood comes out, and I can't wait to learn every word to every song on that album too. But rewind to a month ago.
I was at my town fair, and Troye announced that he was touring in the USA, and he announced the stops. There was one in NYC and one in Boston, and DC was a backup! They were all a very reasonable distance from me, and I needed to see him live. My mom agreed that me and my friend could buy tickets to the show, but only after begging her. I got on the website to purchase the tickets 7 minutes after they went on sale, and NYC was sold out. Then Boston. THE STUPID, LOWLIFE SCALPERS WERE BUYING ALL THE TICKETS, AND SELLING THEM ONLINE.
For not twice, not 3 or 4 times, or even 5 times, but 8 TIMES THE PRICE. $115 dollors each for $15  dollar tickets??? Not happening.
So I had accepted that I wasn't going to be able to go to the show, and I was super crushed, but at least I would get to see him when he came around again for a world tour. But tonight, something happened that crushed me even harder.
Me and my internet friends (plus my school friend) had been trying to score tickets to the DC show, which was also sold out. Suddenly, one of my friends texts us, "I GOT THE TICKETS!!!!" I couldn't  believe it! She won the contest?? "you won??" i texted back. "NO THEY ARE FOR SALE AGAIN!!" She relpied. My eyes went wide. I went on the website and sure enough, $15 dollor tickets to the show. I don't want to live through the exact details of what happened when I asked my mom If i could go, because I don't know if you understand, but i want to go to this show SO bad. So lets just say, she said no and left the room, even after i told her it was the only thing i wanted for christmas and my next birthday. Nope, she wouldnt even entertain the idea. So i was crushed. And just as I was about to start feeling a bit better, my friend Collin calls me screaming.
"SARAH!!! YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT I JUST GOT"
"let me guess you got tickets to troye show on sunday?"
"YES OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE IT!"
and with that, not only was I missing the only opportunity to see my favorite singer of all time live for an indefinite amount of time, I was also missing the opportunity to reconnect with 2 friends that I hadn't seen since early September and wouldnt see for another year, maybe more (maybe not ever)
I am totally crushed.
I am so so happy for them, they will have so much fun, and Collin said he would take 10000 videos for me.
But i am still just crushed.
I had given up any hope that my mom would let me go, but i just wanted to know why, just have a breif, mature conversation about it for clarification and closure so i wouldnt feel like she was just keeping me from this amazing opportunity for no reason. My mom is seriously the best, she is a wonderful person, and I really, really don't want to be angry at her or hold any resentments. So I asked her calmly.
"Mom, I hear you loud and clear. I am not going to the show, and I get that. And I accept that. I will not ask to go again. But can we please just have a mature conversation about it, so I can have some closure?"
She looked at me with angry, bewildered eyes.
"You mean why I won't let you go??"
"Kind of, I just want"
she cut me off.
"No!! I will go to bed! I am not talking about it ever again!"
and with that, she walked off.
The last thing I want is to be angry with my mom. She is incredible generous and wonderful and sweet and gives me everything i need, plus more, and she doesn't deserve me holding resentments against her. However, It is so hard for me to act like i am not upset or confused about why I can't go, and why she wouldn't even talk about it. I don't understand why the prospect of explaining to me the reason I can't go to the concert angers her so much, I'm really not asking to go. Pinkie swear. I just want to know why she is not letting me go, so I can see things from her point of view, and let go of my anger so i can move on. But I slowly realized that she wasn't going to have any conversation with me, mature or otherwise. And even though I didn't understand, I knocked on her bedroom door and apologized.
She said thank you.
I left, and maybe cried a little.
Yes, I still want to go to the show, but that is really not even what I am upset with anymore. I just want to see things through her eyes, and let go. I am hoping that by writing this, I will be able to do just that. So let's try to put things into perspective.
Yes, DC is 6 hours away, and that is a very long way to go on a sunday night. Especially since we wouldn't get home until 2am ish. I offered to go by myself, but I can see now that that seems completely unrealistic. So I get that.
So lets look at the positive side of things.
1st- Collin is going to send me videos of the show, and even though that might make me want to cry because I couldn't be there, I am lucky to have such a sweet friend that would record some of the performance for me. I am really grateful for that. I really miss him.
2nd- I am not the only one not going; it is not like the entire Troye Sivan fandom will be there, so I am not the only one missing out.
3rd- the album still comes out in a month and I am still SO excited!!!!
4th- Troye already said that he will be going on a seperate world tour, which means he will be coming back, probably in the next year, and I already know I will get to see him when he comes next. And I will be able to go with my school friend. Maybe we can even meet up with the internet friend gang!
5th- I am insanely lucky for all the things I do get to go to, so I feel grateful for that.
6th- there is no point in getting more upset about the DC show. I already knew logically that I wouldnt be able to go, and getting my hopes out just makes it worse, so I should accept it and move on.
I feel better now actually. I am going to listen to music and then go to sleep. Thanks for hearing me rant.