Untitled

Out of Place

So I don't know exactly what this chapter is going to be, and I don't suspect it will be good because my back hurts and I'm tired and all I wanna do is curl up in a ball and sleep for 20 years, but my brain is pounding agaist my skull so why not try to let some of these thoughts out of my head. At this point, only a couple sentances in, I already have no idea what I am writing, but lets just go with it. So let me call this next list, things that I am fucking stressed about that are valid, invalid, and dumb, and also substantial.
1. I have a C in algebra and I need at least a C+ so I can get a free for the rest of the year and be able to do some of the shit tons of homework that I have during the school day, because when I get home I usually take like a 2 hour nap and then I don't want to do homework.
2. I need to get in better shape, so I want to start running, but I also hate running and I have an irrational fear of running on roads because I am not in complete control of the distance, calories, and shit that I am accomplishing, but I can't go to the gym because on school nights I have homework and extracurricular activities, and on the weekends my mom usually works morning to night and the last time my dad drove me he crashed us into a tree (because he currently only has one knee, long story) and so I can't drive with him.
3. I met this new kid in school, who drives me crazy because he is so good at being sarcastic that I have no idea when he is being serious, and all we do is fight about politics and government, and it stresses me out because I don't know much about politics and government. It also stresses me out that he tells me that I am a bad person for being a feminist, and I don't think he is kidding but who fucking knows at this point, and we can't even have a normal conversation about the weather or music or anything because all he wants to do is fucking fight with me about everything, and I just want to be happy and It's fucking up my mind. Although I am glad to find someone who finally challenges my opinions, It is so stressful because it is all he ever talks about.
4. If I hear the name donald trump one more time, I might go batshit crazy, and his stupid crazy "ban on all muslims coming into america" makes me want to jump out of a window, because just think about this; It makes me angry, and I am not even Muslim. But when I think about my friend who is, I think about how much it must suck to hear that hateful shit coming through a TV screen 24/7, and It makes me feel terrible.
5. I am a pretty big fangirl of Troye Sivan as you probably know already, and I have been getting a lot better being crazy about it, so that's really good but I always feel annoying and mean and awful even if my friends tell me I'm not being. I don't even know why, it's just classic paranoia, but I feel like I'm crazyyyy and It won't stop. My mind is starting to clear. let me keep going.
6. This guy at my school who asked me out a couple times is a total creep, but he is still kinda my friend so i have to protect his feeling and make him feel better when he is sad and It is stressing me out so much.
7. I am always tired. I really don't know why.
8. I am way to stressed about the outfits I wear to school and I compare myself to other girls so much and It makes me feel like absolute shit, because comparing yourself will never end well and I know that but I do it anyway and I don't know why. What the fuck. I'm actually laughing right now. :)
9. My friend is in a new relationship and her and her boyfriend and already planning to like have sex and stuff, and I am so happy for her and he is really nice and stuff, and she is not the kind of person who gets caught up in relationships and forgets about her friends, but I feel like i am so far behind relationship wise. I havnt even kissed a boy, and I am 15. It's not like I'm antisocial or never get asked out, I just don't like the idea of dating. But I just want someone to cuddle me and watch netflix with me and kiss my neck and call me beautiful and worth it. I make myself laugh. It's like I am contradicting myself.
10. I feel like I have grown less close with one of my friends lately. I don't actually think I have, I think it is just paranoia again, but ya know.
11. My dad is about to go into the hospital to get surgery, and I don't know how I feel because then UGH I don't even know what I am saying? I am trying too hard to write, so now I am going to rant. I feel powerless, out of place, sad, ugly and disgusting and ignorant (and this is probably just because I am on my period and feeling emo) but whatever I just hate feeling so small in the world. So uncertain. So insignificant.
My hair is also so fucking staticky, It sticks to everything because the air is so dry and I think I am going crazy. I have no motivation to do anything. My friend is driving me crazy because all she does is talk about 5 seconds of summer and I don't even like them that much, but I am supportive because I do love her, but If i even bring up Troye once she is so submissive and uninterested, it is so annoying. And she keeps complaining about her little sister doing shit like borrowing her jeans without asking and I am sitting here thinking, "oh that sucks. my sister has a host of mentally disabilities and every day i have to worry about her exploding and overdosing and being commited to a mental hospital like she has been like 13 times already, but no your jeans. Totally more important." I know, I'm a bitch, but I can't help it. Maybe I'm not and I'm overreacting. I really don't know. I don't know anything and I feel overtired and overwhelmed and the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I know it will get better. I was in a much worse place back in march, and things got so much better. So i have hope. And now that I have gotten all the things out that make me crazy, lets get some going that I am super thankful for.
1. I have two really good concerts coming up in the next couple months with my friends.
2. I am getting a polaroid camera for christmas.
3. Me and my friend from Maryland that I met at playlist live still talk on the phone almost every day for at least an hour. I miss him so much, but at least I get to hear his voice. I love talking to him, it reminds me of the awesome circumstances in that we met and became friends, just by chance. In fact, have I told this story? I don't think I have! Let me. Okay so me and my friend were at playlist, waiting in a hallway on the ground outside a meeting room, we were waiting for our first meetup. It was a Saturday. We had been at playlist for a day, and we were having a blast. Being the big Troye Sivan fans we were, we had been carrying a speaker around all the time playing his EP WILD, because it had just came out that weekend. So we were sitting there for like 20 minutes, just kind of listening to the music. there were groups of other people doing their own things around us, and we were just listening to the EP. So a boy with curly brown hair in a "I can't stop watching Youtubers" sweatshirt is walking by us and we don't really take notice; there had been lots of people walking by. But then, he stops dead in his tracks. I vividly remember this, and it makes me laugh so hard. He calls out " WHO IS PLAYING WILD?" and me and my friend look at eachother, and raise our hands. And he doesn't even hesitate to say "I am sitting with you." he sits down, and we talked about the album for like an hour until the meetup starts. We sit together and chat all the way through, then exchance phone numbers. That same night, we sit together at the movie screening, and the next day we sit together at the meetup. We didn't say goodbye but I had him in my contacts. So, I have met a lot of people through playlist and meetups and stuff, but I hadn't consistently talked to people expect for my internet friends that i had made a relationship with prior to playlist, so I got back home and I wasn't sure if we were ever going to talk again. But that same week, he calls me. I was like.. What??? No one i meet at meetups ever calls me. I pick up , and we talk like we have known eachother for years. His rants are hilarious, and He is the best. Its been 3 and a half months and we still talk almost every day. Shoutout to you, Love you Collin <3
4. My other grades besides alegbra are pretty good.
5. I am taking a really good art class and I feel like I am learning a lot of good skills.
6. Most of my friends are really awesome and they make me laugh and smile so much. I am so happy to have them.
7. I get to get all arts and craftsy this weekend and make Christmas presents for my friends, which I am excited for.
8. I am going to Tyler Oakley's documentary premier in NYC this friday!
9. I have this box of tea in my house and It is so good I have drank like 3 cups just today, and I will probably drink another when I am done writing this tbh.
10. idk. I'm sure I will think of something else when I am just rambling on. I mean, it is so hard not to get caught up in all the negativity and the stress, with talk about shootings and Syria and ISIS and god knows how many other things, and I do take these things into consideration because I don't want to be blind to the things that are going on in the world around me. But I really need to learn how to not let them consume me and my emotions. Because I'm sure there are 10 million beautiful things going on in the world right now, and I want to also see those, because I need a little bit of positivity or I will go crazy. It's just my nature. So I like to look at little joys, like new music, and woven bracelets and scented candles and pumpkin spice tea and love from my parents and my friends and the fact that i can dutch braid my hair now and i am dying it silver at the bottoms and that will be cool, and maybe I won't get out of school in super late June this month because I always do because CT has crazy snow and we always do but hope is a thing. I also am using a lot of run on sentences right now, and I don't care, because this is exactly what I needed. To dump all of this garbage out of my head. I don't need to exercise right now, it is 10:30 pm. I don't need to worry about Donald Trump because I only need to focus on my life right now because that may seem selfish but it is what i need and I don't have to worry about homework tonight because I have it all done and I don't know what else to say. I'm like 1000 degrees right now. And my lips are chapped, but I'm okay. Random, I know. But it's just what I am thinking.
Anything else Brain?
Looks like that might be it for tonight. I need sleep.
I hope you get sleep too.