Untitled

Excuse

Excuse me for being too real, but writing this chapter is the only thing that is keeping me from self-harm right now.
That is super straight forward, and I almost feel weird writing it, but that is what this was when i started it and i feel like i should take it back to the roots. I feel awful. And it's okay if nobody is reading this, even though the dumb little attention monster inside of me is screaming for attention, all I intend with this journal is to say exactly how I feel when i feel it. And i feel awful. So, there we go. And there must be something causing it right? something big and sad and crazy just like always that happens to people that causes them to be depressed. Guess what happened?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing in particular.
That is the reality of feelings. They have no context, no explanation, no excuses. The last time i felt this shitty, it was because I was PMSING, and I used that as an excuse to deny the depression that i was struggling with; to invalidate it. Well guess what. I have no excuse this time. I feel like shit, and there is absolutely no excuse. Now, usually this makes me feel better, so I'm going to list all the reasons why i feel like shit, even though they might not make sense or they might make me look bad.
My mom and my sister are leaving for a one week trip to south america this week, and I don't know how I am going to get through it. My mom is my rock, she holds down the fort when things start to get crazy, when i feel bad, when the axis of our lives is off balance, she is there to straighten it out. Now i have went on and on about the insanity of my family with my sister and my dad, so I am going to assume that I don't need to explain further. But I can't be home with him for a week alone. I love him, but he drives me insane. He is so needy, he asks me so many questions that are ridiculous and weird and unnecessary and then i get weirded out and answer that way, then he gets his feelings hurt and guilt trips me and then i feel bad but i also get annoyed that he guilt trips me so he tries harder to make me talk to him which makes me want to talk to him
less and I feel guilty and it is a vicious circle. I can't break it. He analyzes everything, comparing my relationship with him to my relationship with my mom. I woke up this morning on father's day, and I talked to him about the concert i went to yesterday for a little while. Later in the day, he was asking me
weirdly specific and strange questions about it, and so i was reluctant to answer, and he was like why won't you talk to me about the concert and i was like i told you all about it this morning! and He was like yea a little but..
I'm sick of him measuring our conversations, comparing them to the ones with my mom, analyzing my body language, tone of voice, length of my responses. I'm really sick of it all. And i love him, but I'm tired of him victimizing me for not speaking to him long enough. Also, since my mom is leaving the house for a week and I can't drive and my dad is injured so he can't drive me, my mom contacted my friends' parents to see if they would invite me to stuff when she was gone so i could get out. Of course they agreed, and I know I shouldn't overthink it, but I don't want to be anyone's charity case. I want to hang out with my friends when/because they want me to, not because They feel bad that I can't really leave my house.
I hate not leaving my house. Staying alone with my thoughts drives me absolutely INSANE. I know it is good for me to learn how to cope with myself, but it is really hard. I am used to distracting myself from my thoughts, going to concerts and hanging out with friends, listening to music and watching netflix. I can never just sit and think, because i will swirl downwards. I just don't know anymore. I feel like crying right now to be honest.
And I remember today when i was getting ready to leave for father's day dinner with my family, i looked back at my bed and all i wanted to do was go sleep for the entire day. I don't want to say that I think i have depression, because i really don't know and I have this thing where i am afraid to talk about my mental problems to anyone else. I really don't know. I don't know if i would actually be diagnosed with depression, but i am going to say something because I think it might feel good to acknowledge it.
I am depressed.
Currently.
That might change, it might not, but i just feel that way. I am always tired, I have lost interest in activities that i love, I keep crying over nothing, I just feel pretty worthless. And this is my outlet. And I'm not going to stop using it. I need to acknowledge my feelings, sit with them, and try to find the strength to accept that they are there and they make me who I am.
I want to look forward and see all the incredible opportunities i have ahead of me, and be thankful for them. I can do that. I am self reliant, self accepting, self loving, and worthy. I am strong, and I believe in myself. I am going to meditate, make a list of things i want to accomplish tomorrow, and get a good sleep, and be productive tomorrow. I think that will make me feel better. This made me feel better.
Talk soon.