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I honestly think i write very infrequently in this journal, not for lack of needing to write to let my feelings out but because i am just so fucking lazy and i can never gather my motivation, and i sometimes think about writing but i never get around to it really. So here i am, and guess what?? it's nighttime, i'm feelin emo and what would be a better time to write!!
So updates on life, i've really been taking care of myself (besides cleaning my room or doing my homework). I've been trying to keep my grades up, saving up for a car with my paychecks, going out with my friends a lot more, i just started doing college visits, i picked my courses for senior year, I obviously got my drivers licence, and I finally had my first therapy session for my stomach condition. The doctor recommended hypnotherapy, with lowkey sounds fucking cool and i think it might actually help me a lot, so fingers crossed.
i'm leaving for europe for the first time in 48 days, with all my friends, i'm super excited. I'm still single, but i only have been for a month and some so it's probably a good thing. My friend just makes me feel relationship FOMO because him and his boyfriend and so damn cute. I hope i find someone as good at some point.
So on the topic of college, I visited emerson in Boston, and it was pretty cool actually. The doors are beautiful, good location, pretty much all the stuff i want to study, very good opportunities. I'm excited to apply and hopefully the rest of my visits go as well as that one.
What can i possibly talk about when it comes to my emotions. I'm not really sure how i feel right now. I feel like my life is working, I don't know if that makes any sense. Besides the fact that i am a terrible procrastinator, i'm keeping my shit together and going to school, going to work, seeing my friends, taking care of myself, planning for the future. It feels good, i'm just tired i guess. I honestly feel like i'm on the edge of a beautiful cliff and i'm looking at an incredible view and im happy, but inside my head i know if i take one step i could completely obliterate myself. I also don't know if that makes any sense. Life just seems fragile, and especially since literally everything is changing soon, it is hard to imagine myself making such big transitions. But that's what life is about i guess, embracing the transitions and feeling the stress and the happiness, and trying to move forward even when you don't feel like you have the energy or the motivation. I guess that's what I feel like i am lacking right now, motivation. I could use more of that.
I love writing, just to let you know. If there even is anyone reading this. I love all types of writing, but i especially love writing in this journal because i don't have any obligations to anyone but myself. I can let everything i'm thinking come out and i don't have to worry about structure or correctness or sounding sane, because if you really let all of your thoughts out, you would sound jumbled too. I honestly don't really even know what i'm writing anymore, but it is making me feel very tired and my eyelids are drooping. I'd love to get some good sleep, so i'm going to keep going.
I love this because i feel like i can breath again. I don't have to worry about my obligations or the assignments i'm late turning in or the money in my bank account or the people who want to bring me down. I can just worry about writing down the words that come to me as I type. It is a minute at a time approach, not though through. each word is created by each second, and there is no inspiration. Just the information that i need to get out to allow my brain to take a break. I can feel the stress exiting my body, and although i'm falling asleep, I don't want to go back into reality because it sucks a bit. But maybe a good nights sleep will be a good thing. Good catching up.