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december

its been quite a while since i stayed up writing when i know i should be sleeping, but i think tonight i definitely need it.
These past couple weeks have been a thing. I can't shake these feelings of completely unsatisfaction with myself and everyone else around me. im constantly insecure about my appearance, my personality, my actions, but yet its like im in a state of half living. i'm not eating enough, i get dizzy easily, i've lost weight, i have no motivation, i'm getting down on myself constantly and wishing i was just asleep so i didn't have to feel any of this. Its like im hyper aware of everything that could possibly be interpreted as bad, and on the other hand completely numb to everything that could possibly be good. its like i've lost sight of my optimism. Its like im losing myself.
Every time i do something good for myself, like drink water or work out or text someone something nice, i always either tell myself its not enough or question every little detail of what im doing. Its like a gateway. The good things im doing for myself have become a way for me to see the bad, if that makes sense. Like, now that i am doing distinctly good things for myself everything else in comparison makes me feel insecure, or guilty, or unhealthy, or bad in general. I haven't felt like this in so long. I feel like im walking on eggshells, but i'm the one im trying to avoid hurting.
I honestly don't even really know what im talking about, but in a way i do. Like i'm just floating: unattached, not under control. I wish i could have some control. I wish i could be happy right now. I wish i could feel light. I wish every good thing wouldn't feel so significant, like everything else is just grey matter. I wish i felt like a good person. I tell myself every day that im going to be better, but i always regret things because i overthink them. I tell myself im going to be a better person, but in what way? am i actually hurting the people around me or am i just swirling in those thoughts in my own brain, alone? its incredibly hard to distinguish. and i can feel myself nodding off. as much as i don't want to wake up tomorrow, i need to find a couple good things about tomorrow that will get me through the day.
1. chamber rehearsal during xblock
2. once i get out of school, i have nothing to do and no homework really since i only have 2 wednesday classes.
thats all i can think of right now. but at least its something. and i need to stop picking apart good things and making them negative. Its going to destroy me. Im going to listen to a beautiful song and let my mind rest and regenerate my thoughts. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.