Cliché, Cliché Everywhere

Dating hacks (feat. the boys of WP) part 1

Are you a hopeless single who's ready to mingle, but there's no one who makes your spidey senses tingle?

Fear not, cuz the boys of WP are here to save you all with their top-tier dating advice.

Presenting to you all:

Peter Goodguyson (good guy), Edblood Cumin(vampire), Alpha Wolfo(Werewolf), Xavier Badboyson (bad boy), and Richie rich dollarson(millionaire)!

Lizzy, aka me: Alright boyss, hit all these heteros and homos with some top-tier dating advice! First up is Alpha Wolfo.

*Drum roll*

We all know him as the horni, creepy, shape-shifting furry that the moon goddess uses to torment any girl who's enjoying her life in the woods. He travels in packs and is the one making those stupid noises in the middle of the night which keeps us all awake.

So, Alpha wolfo, how do you end up in successful relationships while having the looks of handsome Squidward and the personality of a boiled eggplant?

Alpha wolfo: Pfft, you all are too negative about me. Now let me enlighten you all about how I get anyone I want.

Lizzy: Moon mommy makes all your decisions and ruins the girl's life if she says no to marrying you.

Alpha wolfo: TF??? when did that happen?

Lizzy: Yeah, in many books apparently both the girl and you are doomed to misfortune or death if either one of you says no to the moon goddess' pairings.

Alpha wolfo: okayyyyy, okayyyy.  *clears throat* get an angsty moon mommy who does the matchmaking for you. Compatibility doesn't matter. All you need is patience with your partner.

And by patience, I mean 3 paragraphs without any time skips.

After that, we can do the flippity flappity.

Lizzy:..... so that's your dating advice? to get a super opinionated and narcissistic matchmaker and traumatizing your mate with your abs until they say yes?

Alpha wolfo: owo yes (✿◠‿◠)

Lizzy: ....

alright, let's move on to Edblood Cumin, our vampire character. I thought about adding these both in a single chapter because they both are sworn enemies and in many stories they both are fighting over Y/N. And at times the tension between the two of them is so strong that I'm like, 'bruh, forget y/n, you both should hook up fr.'

Anyways, now presenting, Edblood Cumin, who is totally not a rip-off of Edward Cullen from twilight. 

So, Edblood, give us some dating advice.

Edblood: okay, so first, no morning dates.

Lizzy: why?

Edblood: My motivation to exist evaporates when I'm under direct sunlight.

Lizzy: Ah, so all of my introverted friends are vampires. Gotcha!

Edblood: .....

Okay so basically you need to work out your own and your partner's preferences. Especially your own. Like in my case, I wuv blood and when I say you look like a snack, I mean it. Yes, you, the one reading this, you're the most amazing slushie to exist on this planet and I hope we meet someday in person owo

Lizzy: In an Italian restaurant with tonnes of garlic bread.

Edblood: OH HELL NO.

This brings me to my actual advice which is to be mindful of their allergies and things that make them feel bad.  This means you can't trick someone into eating peanuts while knowing damn well that they are allergic to them. Because if you do, congratulations! you're now convicted of first-degree murder! Similarly, be mindful of what you say about them. Making them feel bad about their acne, physical features, or sexy murder weapon is rude. Because stuff like this makes people sad and try killing you.

Basically, don't bring garlic or the topic of what happened to my last ex on our first date.

Lizzy: bold words about preferences from someone who is super forceful.

Edblood: owo

Lizzy: And that's it for today!! basically, get a matchmaker and respect a person's boundaries on the first date. Stay tuned for the next duo in the upcoming chappie!