Depression/ anxiety one shots

She doesnt hate me? (Big Tw⚠️ed sh)

It was a nice day so I decided to go out to the community pool for a swim. I got there and nobody was there so I happily took my coverup off and went in in my bikini. I would've been more weary if people were around because I'm fat and people staring is just annoying honestly so I was happy to be alone.

I swam for a good 20 minutes or so before deciding to get out and lay on a lounge chair. Right as I stepped out a group of people came in. They all lived in the building I did so I sort of knew them but not really. I definitely wasn't expecting what happened next though.

"Oh look everyone. Meridy's here. Didn't know it was whale watching day today." A girl named Hailey said laughing as well as the group of people that surrounded her.

I couldn't even get a word out before another comment spewed out.

" You look disgusting. Do you ever stop eating. Like take a break sometimes. Said another girl followed by more laughs.

As I stood frozen they all were saying things at once.

" Bet you're too heavy to even float."
" Maybe try a wetsuit so nobody has to see that."
" Nah, that's not enough. Maybe just stay inside your room."

They kept coming until Hailey spoke. " I wanna see fatty try to swim. Boys shove her in."

I tried to creep away but two guys by the names of Andrew and Tyler each grabbed one of my arms and dragged me to the deep end of the pool where they shoved me in.

As I sank and came back up to the surface I could see the group had moved and were standing over me pointing and laughing, Hailey making binoculars with her hands pretending to " sight see" me like a whale.
I stayed under as long as I could. I wanted to drown but my body didn't let me. I surfaced and they had one last laugh at me before leaving.

" Okay I'm bored. Let's go get pizza." Hailey said and the group followed her out of the pool area.

I shamefully got out of the pool and put my clothes back on as I held back tears. When I got back to my room I broke down. My roomates were out so I was alone.

I went into the bathroom and had an idea. I knew it was a bad one but I didn't care. I wanted, correction, I needed for these feelings to go away, even if it was just for a second.

I broke a razor and took the blade out. I cut into my arm as I cried and then did it again but it wasn't enough so I did it a few more times before signing in guilt and exhaustion.

I put bandaids on myself and cleaned up before I went to my room. As I was laying in my bed I had the realization that even though I was happy with my body that I couldn't handle the comments and actions of hate so I needed to lose weight. I decided that from then on I was going to cut back immensely.

4 months later...

I hadn't left my apartment in four months. I switched to online classes and would order anything online that I needed from a store. I wasn't doing great but I was better than a couple months ago. I was really bad then. I still didn't really want to be seen though.

I had lost probably 70 pounds and at my height was now pretty small. I would eat maybe a fruit and a small salad on a good day and then exercise in my room for hours a day. It became addictive. I felt weak and tired all the time but was hopeful that at least maybe I couldn't be bullied anymore.

I was also self harming for most of that time. Only the past two weeks I had been clean for. I was trying.

Anyway, one day during the middle of a workout I got a dm. I opened my phone to see it was from Andrew. My heart raced and I was terrified to open it but I did anyway and was shocked.