Depression/ anxiety one shots

Sleep (tw suicide attempt/sh⚠️⚠️)

This is pretty heavy stuff, not to say most of what I write isn't, but just wanted to be clear!Be safe as always loves! 💓

I wrote her a note.

My love. You know I'm a poet. I could make this beautiful and romantic, but this isn't beautiful or romantic, so I will not. Let me start with an apology. I am so sorry sweetheart, I am so sorry. I love you endlessly and I never wanted to hurt you, but if you're reading this I have hurt you, and I'm sorry. I'm sure you want an explanation so I will try my best.

You know highway hypnosis? Where when you drive on the freeway or through the same stuff for too long that you sort of get out of it, like you aren't really there consciously? I live that all day everyday and frankly love, I'm miserable.

You make stuff better though, you do. I'm happier around you, less anxious, all the baseline stuff really improves, but the other stuff, the dissociation, the emptiness, it's impossible for it to go away. I can't handle it anymore and I already regret doing this to you, but I can't anymore.

I could go on and on about how much you mean to me but I fear that would only hurt you more, so I just hope you find strength to move past this, past me, because god knows you deserve happiness. I love you Florence. I love you.

-your love, Paola.

I placed it on the table in the dining room and then I slowly made my way to the bathroom. Florence wasn't due home for another two hours, so I knew I had time. I sat in the bathtub with a knife in my bra and underwear.

I eased my nerves by cutting a couple times into my thigh, and then a few more times until I felt calm enough to pick up my phone. I wouldn't let her find me, I couldn't, it was all part of the plan. I dialed the emergency services and a woman picked up the call.

" Hello I'm Cath, what is your emergency? Cath asked.

" There's a woman in my bathtub who has cut herself up pretty badly, I think she's tried to kill herself." I said calmly as I started back up again with the knife on my other leg.

"Is she breathing? Do you know her?" She asked as I heard a rapid keyboard clicking in the background.

" She appears not to be. I don't know her." I answered in a soft lie.

" Can you give me your name and address ma'am?" Cath asked.

" My name is Paola, my address is 3218 Clovelake Rd." I responded honestly.

" Alright Paola well I'm gonna have you try to do CPR while we wait for the ambulance, should be around 10 minutes maximum." Cath said and I hung up. My phone rang as they called back but I ignored it.

With only ten minutes left I began to wield the knife across my body like mad. Once I'd finished my legs I started on my arms and managed to make a fairly large gash across my shoulder which hurt like a bitch. I didn't cry out in pain though, I just continued until I felt myself getting dizzy so I dropped the knife and rested my head on the side of the tub.

I fluttered my eyes open trying to stay awake from instinct and a minute or so later I heard loud noises of footsteps so I let my eyes close.

The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital. I didn't cry. I didn't say anything. I just opened my eyes and after noticing the bandages all over my body I looked around the room. There was no one.

I went to close back my eyes and process everything, but my phone which was somehow on the stool next to me rang.

I strained my body to pick it up but I managed to get it in time. It was Florence. She'd made it home from work. No one had called her because I forgot to change my emergency contact from my mother to her, and my mother would never pick up any phone calls so I'd doubted she knew either.

" Oh my god you answered, where are you? Don't do anything, I'll come get you." She said crying.

"I'm alright, love. I'm at the hospital." I said numbly.

" Okay holy shit, okay I'm coming now. The ValleyNorth one right?" She said panicked.

" Yes." I replied.

" What happened Paola? Your note. I was so scared, baby. I am so scared." She cried as I heard her start her car.

" I don't want to tell you while you're driving, just get here safe and I'll tell you in person." I answered instead of telling her.

" No, I might have a panic attack if you don't tell me right now, how do I know you're okay?" She said and I could hear her heavy breathing.

" I tried to do it. I cut myself, a lot, and uh I called 911 so you wouldn't be the one to find me. I didn't think they'd show up that quickly. I'm so sorry." I said trying to put genuine inflection into my voice when really I just felt sorry she had to deal with me and nothing else but disappointment.

When she got there she rushed into my room and broke down again at the sight of me.

" I'm so happy you're okay, but I recognize you aren't. I'm sorry I'll stop crying." She said, wiping her eyes with her sweatshirt sleeve.

" No it's alright love. Come sit by me." I said and scooted over so she'd have room on the bed.

She sat and I reached up my arm without an iv in it, to wipe away the rest of her tears.

" You're right. I'm not okay and to be honest I'm not happy either, I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself for failing and for putting you through this hell. I'm so sorry." I said as I put my hand on her thigh.

" I read your note, all of it. I get it now. You explained it perfectly, and now I can better help you. Will you at least give me a chance to try?" She pleaded.

" I don't think I can be helped Florence, but I'm not going to try to leave you again if that's what you're asking. I made a choice and now I have to live with the repercussions because I won't put you through this again and I can't see you like this again. What I've done to you, I won't ever stop apologizing for." I explained.

" You don't have to apologize Paola, you aren't at fault here. Things in your brain are hurting you, how could that possibly be your fault?" She asked rhetorically.

" Thank you." I replied a bit relieved that at the very least she wasn't mad. " I'll work with you. Whatever you want me to do or try, I'll do it."

" Then I should be thanking you love. I'll find something that will help you, I will." She said passionately.

" Okay thank you, but, well could I sleep now? I'm really tired baby." I asked, trying to end the conversation so I could go back to being unconscious and didn't have to worry about anything.

" Of course baby, I'll just be right here. You sleep." She encouraged me, and so sleep I did.