Depression/ anxiety one shots

Things feel different this time (tw sh ⚠️)

My friend ditched me at a party and I came home to an empty house because my girlfriend was at her friend's bachelorette party.

I dropped my bag on the floor and kicked off my shoes before plopping on the couch. As I looked around at the darkness around me I felt really alone. My ears were ringing from the loud music at the party and I was simultaneously drunk and high.

I wanted more though. To get more high, more drunk, anything, but I had nothing, so I had a thought. I thought I should just cut myself a little bit, just to feel the high, but I knew it was wrong so I tried to fight it.

I went to the bathroom and took off my makeup, went to the kitchen and got some water, and even went upstairs and simply layed on the floor just to try and distract myself, but to no avail.

I knew if I was to do it I would be doing it as safely as possible, so I got out all my medical supplies before hand and then I leaned against my bathroom door and I hesitated. Breaking almost two years clean wasn't something my girlfriend would be happy about, so I just decided to do it and not tell her.

Afterwards I cleaned myself up as I promised myself I would, and then I crawled into bed and dissociated for around an hour before falling asleep.

In the morning my girlfriend was home, and asleep in bed beside me. I got up and went downstairs so that when she woke up she wouldn't see me looking so shitty.

I sat back down on the couch and layed there half asleep for maybe thirty or forty minutes until I heard Winaya come down the stairs and so I tried to perk up.

" Good morning love." I said.

" Good morning. How was the party?" She asked as she came and sat basically on top of me.

I held back from wincing as the weight of her leg rested solely on the area where I had cut, and it was painful.

" It was fine. Came back early. How was the bachelorette?" I asked.

" So fun, I got to stick my head out of a limo drunk as fuck." She said with a laugh.

" That's great love, wish you had a pic of that." I replied.

" Me too." She answered. " So what'd you do since you came back early?"

" Nothing much really. Just chilled." I lied.

" Are you sure? Cause you seem a little off today baby." She asked.

" I am a little off but it's okay." I said.

" Aw how come?" She questioned.

" Is it cool if I don't tell you?" I asked.

" I mean yeah, but why don't you want to tell me? You think I'll be upset or something?" She asked.

" Maybe, or I guess I just don't want to concern you." I said.

" Concern me? Well now I feel like I need to know." She told me as she grabbed my hand and held it.

" It's all under control love don't worry." I said and squeezed her hand.

" Okay, that's good, but I swear I won't be upset. I just want to support you, so please tell me." She begged.

" Okay, but don't say anything until I finish okay?" I said.

" I promise." She said and did a zipper motion over her lips with her other hand.

" Okay, I cut myself last night. I was drunk and high and just really dissociative and sad. I'm fine now though, I have no plans to do it again, I cleaned myself up, and I threw away what I used right after. It was just a one time thing, I promise you baby." I said clearly and level headed.

" Oh love." She said sadly. " I wish you'd called me."

" Honestly I didn't even think to call anyone, I was pretty not there if you know what I mean." I said. " But I am sorry."

" It's okay baby. I know you said you're okay and it won't happen again but I'd still like to take some sharp stuff away and check on your cuts, if that's okay?" She half asked, half told me.

" Okay, yeah that's really reasonable. I'm just trying to do this the right way. No falling back into it. I slipped up and I'll admit that, but I'm not gonna let myself feel too down about it, otherwise I'll just want to continue the cycle." I said.

" I've never seen this from you and I'm really proud of the attitude you have about everything. Thank you for telling me baby. I love you so much." She said and leaned over to kiss me.

" I love you too. Thank you." I said after our lips pulled apart.