Depression/ anxiety one shots

Insomnia symptom (tw sh⚠️)

I hadn't been sleeping much lately and it was really making me feel terrible. It's not that I didn't want to sleep it's just that I couldn't, so I went to the doctor and got prescribed Ativan. She told me to take between one and three pills a day so I took two that night.

I slept like a baby all night and it was the most amazing thing, so I continued to take two a night and I was going to work more instead of calling in sick, along with being just generally more lively.

When I went back for a refill my doctor was shocked I had went through them so quickly.

" I said between one and three depending on the night. You should not be out already." She'd told me.

" Oh sorry I guess I just figured two worked so I should keep it up." I said.

" No, one per night should be fine. I'm only giving you half of what I gave before. It should still last you the same time." She explained.

" Okay." I replied and internally felt nervous about cutting back.

I took one that night just to try, and woke up feeling like shit so I took the second one and called out of work.

I realized I needed two a night so I kept doing that and this time when I ran out I hit up a friend of a friend.

I asked if he could get me some more and he told me he had some for me so I met him at a gas station and paid him for them.

I went home happy I would be able to sleep that night, but when I got home my girlfriend Simona was sitting on a chair by the front door rather than in bed like I thought she was.

" Sit down." She said sternly.

" What's up?" I asked confused and sat.

" I want you to empty your bag for me." She requested.

" But baby why? Talk to me, what's happening?" I asked again, trying to stay calm.

" Deyea. Either you open your bag or I open your bag." She demanded and I felt horrified at what her reaction would be.

I slowly unzipped my backpack and started taking stuff out until I got to the bag of pills. I hesitated to show her.

" Show me." She said angrier.

" Fine." I said and held them up.

She yanked them from my hand and put them in her pocket.

"I'm getting rid of these." She said flat out. " You can explain yourself in a minute but there's no way you're taking street drugs."

" Okay." I said and wanted to cry but I didn't. " I'm sorry baby. I was using them to sleep but now I maybe feel dependent on them. But please, just one for tonight. I can't go cold turkey off them."

" Absolutely not. I'm wanting to be supportive here but I look at you and all I see is someone willing to buy potentially laced street drugs in order to feel better and I'm angry. Why didn't you talk to me about this sooner?" She questioned.

" I'm sorry. I'll quit. I'll find a different way to sleep I promise." I told her.

" Good. I'll help if you need that." She offered.

" I'll see. Thanks." I answered.

I went to bed on the couch that night already having a headache and by the time I eventually fell asleep it was near three in the morning.

When I woke up I felt the physically worst I'd ever felt before. My headache pounded my entire head. I was nauseous. The light seeping through the blinds made me wince in pain when I opened my eyes.

Nevertheless I really had to pee so I got up and went to the bathroom. Before I could ever sit down though I felt like puking, so I lifted the toilet seat and did as such.

After finishing there I went to go back to the couch to lay down and sleep more but instead I was met with Simona's eyes.

" Come to bed. Just close your eyes. I'll help you get there." She said, guiding me as I shut my eyes to avoid the pain.

She helped me into bed and put a sleep mask over my eyes to keep it nice and dark.

" I'm gonna bring you a bucket in case you need to throw up again love, and a water. I'm sorry this is so painful for you but it means a lot to me that you are quitting before it gets any worse."

" Umm hmm." I said in agreement.

I wanted to tell her to imagine the worst hangover of her life and quadruple it but I didn't. I just did as she asked when she asked.

After a few days I started feeling better and Simona was pleased. I was barely sleeping though and I thought back on my promise to her that I'd find a new way to sleep, and I did.

One night Simona was out with her friends and so I had the house to myself. I had been thinking about doing something that would likely calm me enough to sleep, so I took a knife from the drawer and brought it to the bed.

I rolled up my sleeves and without hesitation, dragged it across my forearms. I felt like I was back, like I could sleep right then and there. I put the knife under the bed and was able to fall asleep within ten or so minutes.

Luckily Simona was staying at her friends that night so when I woke up I had plenty of time to clean up my arms and throw on a long sleeve before she got home.

When she got home she asked me how I slept without her there because she'd been thinking that if she cuddled me I'd fall asleep, but I really was just pretending to so she didn't worry.

A couple months went by and the weather got warmer. Simona started to look at me suspiciously when I'd wear a long sleeve outside but hadn't said anything yet.

It took a couple more weeks until she said something and when she did I knew I was in for it.

" Deyea I don't want to come across as accusatory but I'm concerned. If you're using those pills again you have to tell me right now." She said as we sat on the couch.

" I'm not." I said truthfully.

" That's what I was afraid of." She said and got more upset. " So you're using other drugs? The kind that makes you hide your arms?"

" I'm not using any drugs baby." I said understandingly.

" So if I move up your sleeves right now I won't see any track marks?" She said certain that she was right that I was using.

" Correct." I said and so she reached out her hands to move up my sleeves and I stopped her.

" I'm not using drugs but I am doing something, something you'll want warning for so just wait." I said grabbing her hands and keeping them away from my sleeves.

" What?" She said worriedly.

" I've been self harming. It's what helps me sleep, helps me breathe, it just helps me, but I know it's wrong and I'm sorry." I told her calmly. 

" Can I see?" She asked taken aback.

" Yeah. I just wanted to warn you." I answered and rolled up my sleeves because I knew there was no way out of her seeing.

" Oh fuck sweetie, I'm so sorry if I made you feel unsupported and like you couldn't ask for help. I'm in it now though, one hundred percent. I will find you a way to sleep and I will find you safe ways to cope. Lean on me because I promise you that I will take care of you." Simona said, shocked at first but quickly switched to a cool and controlled tone.

" Okay, that means everything, thank you. This isn't your fault though just know that." I replied and she wrapped her arms around me in a huge hug.