Depression/ anxiety one shots

Going well? ( tw sh⚠️)

" What the fuck did I just do." I said out loud to myself as I sat on the bathroom floor dissociating from the instant regret that turned to confusion.

I looked down and saw my thigh was bloody and the knife was still in my hand. I dropped it to the ground right away and just kept staring at my thigh.

I had been clean for five years and I just blew it. The worst part is there was nothing wrong. Everything was going great. My girlfriend and I were doing great. I was working a fantastic job that was both enjoyable and payed well. I had just gotten a kitten.

I wouldn't have even said I was depressed. I was happy, so I couldn't piece together why on earth I had done what I had done.

I remember sitting on the couch watching a movie and when it finished I just felt this strange urge to hurt myself and I couldn't shake it.

As I sat there in shock at what I had done I remembered the conversation Teala and I had when she first saw my scars.

" I'm not saying it will happen, but if you ever have a relapse please just call me and I'll be there." She'd said.

I mindlessly picked up my phone and pressed her contact. The phone rang a few times before she answered.

" Hey, what's up sweetie?" She asked.

" I just relapsed." I said with a voice of disbelief.

" What?" She asked shocked. " Are you okay? You sound disoriented. I'm coming over right now."

"Um I'm fine physically. I'm so sorry Tea, I don't know why I did this." I said still not fully comprehending the situation at hand.

When she arrived I greeted her at the door. She immediately looked down at my thigh that I hadn't cleaned up.

" Again I'm sorry." I said stoically.

" Winnie are you aware of what's happening right now? Did you take something? I'm concerned." She asked placing her hand on my forehead to check my temperature.

" Yes. I cut myself and now you're here and I'm sorry." I said like it was a pre programmed message I was told to say.

" Jesus Win. Okay it's okay. Can I clean up your leg?" She asked, trying to stay calm.

" Yes." I answered and so she led me back to the bathroom and cleaned and bandaged my thigh before bringing me to the bedroom.

" I think you need to sleep whatever this is off sweetie. Can you take a nap for me?" Teala requested.

" Okay." I replied and lied down on the bed as she tucked me in.

I did feel tired so I fell asleep pretty quickly and when I woke up the first thing I did was flip over the comforter. I saw the bandages on my thigh and realized it wasn't a bad dream, it was reality. I had really broken five years clean and I didn't even know why.

I rolled over to my side and began sobbing. Teala heard and came rushing in.

" Oh love it's alright." She said and got in the bed beside me.

" No it's not. Why did I do this to myself. Why?" I cried.

" I don't know sweetie, think for a minute about what you were feeling before it happened." She encouraged me.

" I don't know. I just felt like doing it. Wait the movie I was watching, one of the last scenes had self harm in it." I said trying to recall what had happened through my tears.

" Okay that's getting us somewhere. That probably triggered you love, it happens, you don't need to feel guilty." She said calmly.

" But for it to trigger me I had to have wanted to do it. It's not like I was roofied by the scene, that's not possible." I said. " It's all my fault."

" Well yes the scene can't drug you, but it could mess with your state of mind. It's gonna be fine love. As long as we work together so you don't fall back into this it'll all be fine." She promised.

" But what if I keep getting urges?" I asked.

" Then we will push through them together, you and me, like it's always been." She said pulling me into her arms.

" You mean it?" I asked needing reassurance.

" I mean it baby." She replied.

" Thank you, you're the best. I love you so much." I said.

" I love you more." She said sweetly and kissed me.