Depression/ anxiety one shots

Rules "tw sh⚠️)

Another request here, I was pretty sleep deprived writing this so hope it suffices! Xo

I was hanging out at a friend's house and I dropped a glass while taking it from the cabinet. As I bent down to pick up the pieces, my shorts rode up. I tried to pull them back down fast enough but it was too late, she'd seen.

" Cerisa, you relapsed? When?" Lola asked me sympathetically as her eyes saw the fresh cuts across my thighs.

"A couple days ago, I'm sorry." I said as I continued to pick up the pieces on the kitchen floor.

" Okay, well stop with the glass cleanup, I'll pick it up. Just go sit down alright." She said and ushered me towards the couch.

I did as told and sat down while she finished cleaning up the floor. Once she was done she came and sat next to me on the couch.

" So you told Beck about this right?" Lola asked.

" Not yet, but I will, I swear, I just need more time." I answered.

" You know the rules Cerisa. You're supposed to call them as soon as something happens, but you didn't, so you have to call now." She said softly.

" No Lola, I can't. It's been too long this time. How am I supposed to tell them I broke six months. How?" I asked getting emotional.

" It's not going to be easy but you can do it, I'll be right here with you." She encouraged me.

" I can't Lols. Please don't make me." I pleaded.

" I can't make you, but if you don't call Beck I'm going to have to. I'm sorry." She said with a guilty look across her face.

When Beck found out about my self harm they layed out a series of rules and even told my friends about everything to insure I wouldn't spiral. It sounds a bit crazy but it isn't. It's a strict method, but it works, for me at least.

" Okay I'll call." I said anxiously.

Lola passed me my phone and I pressed call on Beck's contact.

" Hey love, what's up?" They asked as they picked up.

" I relapsed. I'm so sorry baby. I'm fine though, safe. It was a few days ago and I'm with Lola right now. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner." I said trying not to cry.

" I'm not mad, a bit disappointed you didn't tell me, but not mad. I'm coming to get you though understood?" They said as their voice changed tone from their initial hello.

" Understood. I'll see you soon." I replied feeling guilty.

" You too love, put Lola on the phone for me really quick." They told me.

" Hey." Lola said, taking my phone off speaker even though I could still hear the full conversation without it being on.

" I know you had her call me. Thank you. Did she tell you or did you find out? And how bad?" They asked.

" Of course. I found out, and the usual I would say, not anything potentially life threatening. No signs of infection." She replied.

" Good, I'll be there shortly. Don't let her be alone alright? Thanks again Lola." They said before saying bye and hanging up.

Lola handed me back my phone and noticed I looked like I was about to cry.

She put her hand on my shoulder. " It's gonna be okay Cerisa. I promise it will be."

" I know, I just feel awful. I should never have held off from telling Beck and I should've told you too rather than putting you in the position to find out. I'm sorry." I rambled out with tears falling down my cheeks.

" It's alright girl, I know how hard it is for you. I'm always here." Lola said sweetly and as she hugged me there was a loud knock on the door.

" I'll get it." She said and left me sitting on the couch as she opened the door.

Beck walked in and saw me crying on the couch.

" Alright, let's go love. We've got a lot to discuss." They said, so I got up and walked towards the front door.

I hugged Lola goodbye and Beck gave her a nod in appreciation, and then we left.

We sat quiet for the first ten or so minutes of the drive but what broke the silence shocked me a little.

" This can't happen again Cerisa. If it does you aren't gonna be a very happy camper, because it'll be you going wherever I'm going and me going wherever you're going. No alone time." They said stoically."Tell me you get it."

" I get it. If I don't tell you right away again I'll have no more alone time." I repeated back to them.

" Exactly." They said. " Now that we're on the same page here, tell me why it happened. Why'd you relapse?"

" It's going to sound so stupid." I said ashamed.

" Your reason could be as ridiculous as because it was over eighty degrees out, I don't care what it is, I still need to know Cerisa." They said quickly taking their eyes off the road to give me a glance that meant explain myself.

" Okay fine. It was because I reached six months. It suddenly hit me that I had half a year clean and I was still struggling with urges and thoughts every day, and the thought of dealing with that for the rest of my life felt overwhelming and impossible, so I just caved to the urges. Again I'm really sorry Beck." I explained.

" I see." They said and stayed silent for a minute to think before continuing. " Anyone who struggles with an addiction to something goes through that same thought process. Instead of thinking of it like you can't self harm or you have to refrain from it, I want you to try to think of it like you no longer have to do it, because you have me and you know I'm here to help you through every thought and every urge."

" I'll try, but how? How am I supposed to stay clean forever?" I asked befuddled.

" Is it the tracking putting too much pressure on you? Because if it is stop doing it. I just need to know if a relapse happens. That's all. How long you've been clean is less important than you just being clean, you know what I mean?" They checked.

" Yeah maybe that's it. I'll try to stop tracking, but what if that's not it?" I suggested.

" It might not be. That's why we try things, we won't know unless we try it. If it's not and you're still feeling this way then we'll try something else okay? I won't give up on you." They promised.

" Okay, thank you." I replied, and they grabbed my hand off my lap and squeezed it.

" I love you Cerisa and we aren't done talking about this, but for right now let's stop and pick up some food and you put on whatever you want to listen to for the rest of the drive. Sound good?" They told me.

" Sounds good." I said with a nod. " And I love you too."