Depression/ anxiety one shots

Therapy calls ( tw talk of sh⚠️)

"I'm high and I'm tired" I said.

" I asked what was on your mind Joeni." My therapist Kindra said. " You called because something is wrong so what's wrong? Also high on what?"

" High on weed, nothing more. Nothing is wrong I shouldn't have called." I said.

" Well that's just not true dear, just speak and see if any thoughts pop out." She requested.

" I feel like therapy is useless to me because as much as I want to help myself, I won't put in the effort to actually do that. I'll say something is stupid or sometimes be just too tired to go in the first place." I rambled out.

" I hear you. It's hard to put in work when you have a hard time getting out of bed, eating even. The fact that you see me proves you are trying your best, even if you wish you could do more, you are doing just fine." She reassured me.

" And as much as I appreciate that, it doesn't help at all and I feel like nothing ever will so why bother being clean." I spouted out before I could even think. "Sorry that was rude."

" No it's completely fine. Here we go, your thoughts are coming out. This is good, now I can help." She said. " So you've been thinking a lot about self harm lately haven't you?"

" Yeah." I said.

" Okay, what about it specifically? Like doing it?" She asked me and I could hear her scribbling stuff in the background.

" Uh yeah I guess. It's more of a just thinking about it as a whole all the time. Like I'll be eating dinner and the words self harm pop into my head and then I think about wanting to do it or about my scars. It's very strange and hard to explain." I attempted to tell her what I meant.

There were more scribbles as she said, " I'm understanding that. This is new, you haven't quite been able to verbalize this before. I'm proud of you."

" Don't be. It's basically like this obsession, I find myself disgusting." I claimed.

" You aren't disgusting Joeni. You're dealing with an addiction to self harm along with other mental health issues, it's not your fault you think about it a lot." She consoled me.

" Thank you. So how can I make them go away, the thoughts?" I asked.

" There's nothing I can say that works for everyone, but I'd recommend simple distractions for the time being since you're still in early days of being clean. A good thing is to multitask so you don't have space to think about other things. So for example putting on music and playing a brain game on your phone." She explained.

" Or what about smoking and watching tv?" I asked kind of unserious.

" I mean you know I don't like that you smoke but I guess technically that would meet the requirements. Please don't smoke in your room though, that is dangerous Joeni." Kindra said.

" I don't, I won't." I reassured her.

" Good, thank you. Now what else? Just talk." She told me.

" Well every morning when I wake up I just want to go back into my dreams where I'm somewhere else but also not really because usually my dreams are just as shitty as reality if not worse." I explained. " I've been having some bad ones lately."

" Like what?" She asked me, scribbling some more.

" I don't want to say. Just know that they are bad." I replied.

" Okay, we can cycle back to this later, in person. Explain to me why you called, the breaking point?" She questioned.

" There wasn't really one. I'm just so tired Kindra. I'm tired of existing the way I exist and I'm afraid I'll never be able to change that." I vented.

" I know it feels that way but you can change it, it's gonna take time but I'm going to do my best to help you get there alright? Now I need to ask, are you in any imminent danger to yourself Joeni?" She asked concerned.

" No. I'll be fine." I answered mostly truthfully, like I wasn't gonna do anything but I was far from fine.

" Okay good. Is there anything else you need to talk about?" She asked.

" No I'm good. Thanks for listening, I'll see you Friday." I replied.

" See you Friday Joeni, be safe, and call again if you need to." Kindra answered.

" Will do, bye." I said.

" Bye for now." She said and hung up as I thought about everything she'd told me and tried not to feel hopeless.