Depression/ anxiety one shots

Bad reaction part 2 (sh⚠️)

Dear the notes section of my phone. It's been about a week since everything went down. I'm six days clean and so proud of myself .I talked to Sam about everything and he took me to the doctor to get me medication and be referred to a therapist. I actually had my first session today and I think it went well. I think things are actually looking up for me for the first time in years . 

I wrote updates down in my phone because looking back on them is something I thought was helpful. Anyway , I was pulling into the driveway of our house and I noticed Sam's car was there . That's odd because he doesn't get off work for another 3 hours.
I parked my car and went inside .

" Babe?" I called out to him. " What are you doing home so early ? Are you coming down with a cold ?"

I heard no answer so I walked around the house looking for him and calling to him until I saw the bathroom light on with the door closed .

" I know you're in there babe. Do you need something? What's wrong?" I asked worried he'd caught a bug or something from work .

" I'm fine." He said in a stoic voice.

" Are you sure ?" I asked gently.

" Yes babe! I'm sure !" He yelled and I knew that meant something was wrong . He only had a temper like that when there was something really wrong , like when he saw me in the bathroom last week.

" I know you're mad because you're hurting . I know this because I love you and I care about you so much. Please let me in and tell me what's wrong . I can help." I said hoping it wouldn't anger him more.

His voice sounded like it was breaking when he said, " I know all to well that you can help and that's why I can't let you in . I can't do this to you. You've been doing so well and I don't want to derail your progress."

" I need you to trust here me baby. I'm okay , but you aren't , so please let me in. I promise if it's to much for me I'll go back out okay ." I said hoping that last but would convince him , and it did.

" Okay. I'll let you in, but prepare yourself, and just know how sorry I am." He said as he unlocked the door.

I opened it and saw him crouched against the wall like he was last time we were both in here . Except this time it was him covered in blood.

" Oh baby, what happened?" I sorta cried out.

" I'm so sorry , when I did it out of anger the first time I hid that I felt it . I felt it help me." He said crying. " And I got fired today , and I went down a hole of worry and stress and I ended up here. You have no idea how sorry I am."

I hugged him and lightly kissed his lips before I said, " It's going to be okay baby. We are going to work together to beat this terrible monster in our lives . Let me clean you up and we can schedule you some appointments, okay ."

He nodded and let me clean his arm. It was way more times than last but the cuts were intentional this time so they were more controlled and while I was happy they weren't too deep , I was scared that it had come to this.

" Okay , let's go to the bed ." I said taking his hand and pulling him up .

" I'm so sorry I did this to you." He whispered still very upset.

" You don't have to apologize baby. Just because I cope the way I do doesn't mean you have no right to cope as well. Your pain and way of handling it is valid , but it's also dangerous, so we both have to get a handle on it ." I explained.

He nodded and I said , " So let's just make a rule that if either of us feel like hurting ourselves, we tell the other person , no matter what , okay?"

" That's good." He said. " I promise I'll talk to you when I need to and listen when you need me."

And just like that my calmness from the entire situation left my body and my mind raced . " When I need him" ? I always did " need" him and look what I did. I made him do this , it's all my fault . Shoot I hope he can't see that I'm freaking out right now . Oh my god, he deserves so much better than me. I'm no good for him. Breathe , don't let him see you in pain.

" Hey, are you okay ?" Sam asked and I snapped out my thoughts and looked at him . " You zoned out there for a minute babe."

" Yeah , sorry , yeah I'm good." I said but he didn't buy it .

" Thats not true , cmon, remember your rule . What's going on ?" He asked .

" I just can't help but feel this is all my fault . If you hadn't seen me in the bathroom like that, you'd probably be okay right now." I said lightly crying.

He pulled me closer and looked me in my eyes . " Don't think that . I'm a grown adult and I make my own choices , this isn't your fault ."

" Okay." I whispered out and left it at that because I knew continuing to blame myself would end up hurting him more because he'd feel bad that I felt bad.

He made himself an appointment and then we held each other just laying there on the bed together for the rest of the night .