Depression/ anxiety one shots

Guilt of not remembering part 2 ( tw talk of sh, suicide attempt⚠️)

Sorry written high so expect a typo or two probably
Also you might wanna go re read part one so it makes sense :)

So it'd been a while. We had moved in together. Araye had been checking my body daily so I couldn't get away with hurting myself nor not eating. She wouldn't let me get up from table if I hadn't eaten enough and she would make me eat snacks throughout the day too.

I felt like I was in prison but I was clean, so Araye was happy with me; so happy even, that she decided to treat me to a night out.

"Put on something nice baby." She told me.

"Why?" I asked confused.

" We're going to the club tonight. You, me, and a few of our friends!" She said excitedly.

"Oh yay!" I faked happiness.

" Be ready in thirty minutes." She said.

"Okay, and by the way I'll be dd for the night." I offered, because after the night I had blacking out and nearly destroying my relationship and myself, I didn't want to drink.

" No worries, Tawni is driving. You can let loose tonight baby, you deserve it." Araye said and I just smiled and got ready.

Our friends picked us up and once at the club everyone began ordering shots for us to do. I felt so disgusted with myself but I took them anyway. We did two back to back and I instantly excused myself to the bathroom to throw them up.

I positioned my head over the toilet and puked until I knew I had no more alcohol in me. I then went up to the bartender and asked him for a non alcoholic drink so my friends and Araye would see me "enjoying myself".

They were all dancing and having a good time while I struggled to pretend I was doing the same. We got driven back home at the end of the night and Araye was fairly drunk. I had to help her up the stairs to our place and once inside I got her into pajamas and into bed.

" I'm so proud of you." She mumbled.

" Thank you." I said and put a cup of water on the dresser in case she needed it. " I'm gonna go to the couch and sleep. Just call me if you need anything. Good night baby."

I layed down on the couch and tried to sleep but couldn't because all I wanted to do was hurt myself and I couldn't. She checked me every day.

Then what I had been wishing for happened, Araye had a work trip to go on over the weekend and I wasn't allowed to go, which meant I had two full days alone to do whatever I wanted.

" Sweetheart I trust you, but I still am gonna be checking your body while I'm away. I'm gonna randomly FaceTime you and you'll show me understand?" She told me as she was getting ready to leave.

" Yes." I said, trying to not sound saddened.

" Okay good, well I will see you Sunday night beautiful. Wish me luck." She said as she left.

" Good luck! I love you!" I yelled out the door and then closed it when she got in her car.

I sat on the floor and cried. I was so close to being able to feel okay even for a moment and now I couldn't.

I decided that while I could still do it and ignore her calls, it wasn't worth it. I couldn't do more prison time.

Instead I just rotted in bed for the weekend and quickly got up and propped up my phone when she FaceTimed me.

She'd make me strip and turn fully so she could see if I had cut myself. I hadn't.

As Sunday night approached I felt more and more done. I had thought about packing a bag and leaving before Araye got back but then she'd think I didn't love her, so I decided on the alternative.

When she got back I had made a nice dinner and she'd checked my body in person.

" This makes me so happy darling. You're amazing." She said pleased.

" Thank you baby." I replied. " How was work?"

" Pretty good. Can't complain because it was double pay." She said.

" Oh that's awesome! So I was thinking, you pick a movie and we order in some dessert? Sound good?" I suggested.

" Yes please, count me in." She said smiling and we moved to the couch where she put on a funny movie.

I ordered in brownies and ice cream and we ate and laughed at the movie before eventually heading up to  bed.

I don't want to be too graphic but I made her feel good, let's keep it at that, before rubbing her back for her to fall asleep.

She had a shift in the morning at seven so at six she got up and got ready to leave. As she was about ready to head out, she bent down and kissed me.

" Have a good day love." She whispered and I fake woke up slightly.

" I love you Araye." I whispered like I was half asleep.

" You too baby, now go back to sleep." She replied.

Once she left I got up and put my shoes on before locking the door. I started to walk. I knew of a bridge about an hour's walk away so I headed in that direction.

About an hour later I got there and I climbed up on the ledge without hesitation. I stared out at the river below me and went to step off when I was suddenly pulled back roughly, by a police officer nonetheless.

" Miss stop fighting me. You're safe." They said as I tried to writhe out of their grasp.

I stopped fighting so I'd have a better chance to convince them of my saneness.

" If I let you out of my arms right now will you stay put?" They asked.

" Yes." I answered truthfully.

"Okay then." They said and released me.

" May I go officer? That wasn't intentional." I lied.

" No miss, I need to take you in to the hospital, I'm sorry. Please make this easy and just come with me. I want to get you help." They answered.

So then I ran. Unfortunately for me they caught me pretty quickly and I was put in the back of their police car and taken to the hospital.

I felt too discouraged to even try to fight for what I wanted, which was to leave. I just did as told. I got blood work done. They took notes of the scars across my body. They called Araye.

When she arrived she was in tears.

" Baby what happened? I thought things were going okay, I thought you were doing okay?" She questioned.

" I didn't cut myself. I didn't go against you.You can check." I said ignoring her question.

" Okay, but you tried to kill yourself love, that's even scarier. How long have you been suicidal?" She asked, taking a seat next to me on the bed.

" Not long." I replied. " I wanted to relapse but I didn't, but I needed everything to stop. I feel like a prisoner in my own home"

" I'm so sorry. I know how demeaning it must feel for me to check you everyday. What if I just put more trust in you and check once a week, would that help?" Araye said still crying.

" Yeah maybe, thanks." I said emotionless.

" Oh god. If I'd never done that to you. Left you alone in pain for two weeks, I'm so incredibly sorry love." She rambled.

" It's okay baby. I love you. I get you were just hurt with my actions and I understand I had to face the consequences of them." I said. " It's not your fault."

" But it is. No reasonable person leaves her girlfriend alone for two weeks because of a drunken flirtation and throwing up. I really fucked up and I own that, you don't have to try and make me feel better. My guilt is on me, not you princess." She responded. " I'm here and I want you to tell me everything, if you're in pain I want to know about it. We'll get through this you and me, I promise."

" I'm trying to believe you, but I don't know if I want to get through this. I'm tired Araye." I said.

" I know, but that only means I gotta try harder to help you, and I will." She replied. " You're my everything."

" You too." I said nodding, and she cuddled up next to me.