My captain

Separated

Song for this chapter: favorite crime - Olivia Rodrigo

On my ride home I still can't stop thinking about the last weeks. All the emotions still rushing through my body. Every time I think about Leah my heart is skipping faster. I can picture her in front of me and the feeling when she kissed me. I don't want to think about that all the time because I know that I will miss her even more. It's just been a few hours since I saw her the last time but the thought of not seeing her in another four weeks is driving me insane. The only good thing I can think about is the feeling that I will have when I see her again. I can't wait for that to happen.

I arrive at home a few hours later. I check my phone for a message from Leah but there isn't any. I sigh and go inside my flat. It all looks normal and I feel save here. Maybe I need to be here just to let all the emotions and feelings sink in. The last time was like a roller coaster of emotions but a good roller coaster. Still I wish Leah would walk through this door with me. It feels strange to be here alone again. I haven't been alone for a while now. Everything is quiet and the only thing I can hear are my own thoughts. These thoughts are mainly about Leah and when they are all I can hear, I will never stop thinking about her.
I put on some music while unpacking my things. Even that reminds me of all the moments I had with Leah at camp. I remember what clothes I had on when we first kissed or when she brought me outside and held me in her arms under a sky full of stars. I don't think I can ever disconnect these memories again.

In the evening while I'm just watching Tv and eat at the same time, I finally get a message from Leah. "I'm home. Everything fine. I already miss you so much. Are you okay as well?" She texted me. I smile at the screen for a bit. I feel stupid for that but I can't help it. "I'm all good but I miss you as well. I wish you were here." I text her back and send a heart emoji with it. I never thought that this will be so hard. It's not even one day without her. I miss her so much and I know that she feels the same.

Later she sends me a good night message as well. I can read it in her voice. I just picture her saying it to me. When I lay in my bed in a complete dark and silent room I feel like this isn't right. I want her next to me, I want to hold her. I wonder if she can't sleep as well and what she feels right now. It takes me a while until my thoughts had made me so tired that I finally fall asleep.

In the following week Leah and I text every day. We talk to each other on the phone and tell each other about our day. Training has started again and that distracted me a bit at least. Whenever I'm there I'm able to focus on something else but as soon as I come home I start to miss her again. It gets a bit better for the night at least. I'm able to sleep without thinking about everything for hours.

I'm sitting on my bed and read a few messages from my parents when I suddenly hear the doorbell ring. This is strange. Normally no one just comes over to visit me without saying it before. I go for the door anyway. As I open it I see Steph standing in the hallway. What is she doing here? I thought that I successfully ignored her enough so she would let go. Apparently I didn't. I can't even say something. Just to look at her face again makes me feel the pain again.

"Hi." She says and she gives me a weak smile. I can't return that. I still just stare at her not able to understand what she is doing here.

"What are you doing here?" I ask after I finally composed myself to talk.

"You kept ignoring my messages and calls but I really want to talk to you." She says. She really didn't see the signs that I tried to give her with ignoring me.

"Don't you think there was a reason why I ignored you? I don't want to talk to you." I say. I feel bad for her because I'm so mean but I just try to protect myself from even more pain.