My captain

Slow

I could sleep so well tonight. I don't think I slept this good in weeks. When I wake up I I feel Leah's arm still around me even before I open my eyes. I don't know if I slept this good because I was just exhausted or because of Leah. I assume it's the second option. I'm still not sure if this is the right thing to do but it is definitely all I want. Feeling her close to me again feels so good. I finally fully open my eyes and look down on my body. Leah's arm is still tightly wrapped around me. She is still sleeping. I hope the others are also still sleeping. I don't want them to see her laying here with me. I carefully roll my body to the side to look at her. She is also laying on her side so I can position my face right in front of hers. Her arm doesn't leave my side even after I rolled over. I look at her peaceful sleeping face. God, she looks so cute. I want to scream that I love her. I want her to know it but I just feel like I can't. Why should I be the one who lets her get away with what she did? If she did it. Her story sounds so true and I want it to be true. I need her back and I miss this feeling that she is giving me right now.

"I miss you so much." I whisper at her. I know that she can't hear me but I still want to say it. I lift up my hand and slowly stroke her face. I hope she doesn't wake up from it. I remember how gentle she was with me in the night. How she kissed my cheek and stroked my head. She can't fake this. She can't be that good of an actress.
As I stroke her hair, Leah moves her head a bit. I still don't take my hand away. I just can't. I need to feel her. She looks so damn beautiful. She starts to make some soft noises and moves her arm a bit but doesn't let go of me.

"Em?" She mumbles with still closed eyes.

"Yes?" I whisper back.

"Should I go back to my bed?" She asks and opens her eyes. I instantly look into her blue eyes again.

"No. Stay here." I stroke her cheek.

"I'm sorry if I confused you." I say at her in a quiet voice.

"I don't care. I just want you close to me." She says. "This feels like everything I wanted for the last four weeks." She says. I know how it feels. I feel exactly the same.

"I don't know what to do." I say.

"What do you mean?" She has such a soft look on her face. She really wants to talk to me.

"Leah I..." I want to say it but the words just don't leave my mouth.

"You?" She waits for me to go on. She gives me enough time to think. The moment I look into her eyes I know that I have to say it. I can't deny it or hide it any longer.

"I love you." I whisper at her almost inaudible. Her eyes soften at my words but she knows that there is something else.

"But?" She asks.

"But I don't know if I can express that love the way I used to do. My brain keeps telling me that I can't trust you even though I want to so bad." I say. I never told her that before.

"Emma, I would never cheat on you and risk losing you. You are too important to me and I would never throw away that connection we have just for a loveless fling." Leah says and pulls me a bit closer by my hips. My hand is playing with her hair while my eyes move over her entire face. Her words sound so good and so right.

"I know you wouldn't." I whisper. I know her. My Leah would never cheat on me. "Don't ask me about what I will do now." I say at her. I lean my face forward and lay a short but very gentle kiss on her lips. She gives me a smile after that and licks over her lips.

"I missed this." She says.

"Me too." Yet we are not back where we were. I fear that we will never get back there.