My captain

Insecure

We are one week away from the next England camp. I have started to go deep into the wrong spaces of the internet. Something just always leads me back there. I keep seeing all these hate posts against me. I looks like every single fan has turned against me. I didn't tell Leah about any of that. I don't want her to know that these comments get made about me because I fear so much that she agrees. I decided to change something about my body. I stopped eating so much and just eat fruits and salad. I also trained a lot more but still I feel like nothing changes. I feel good for a few minutes and then I see another comment and instantly feel bad again. It's been two weeks since it started and ever since then I tried to hide my body from everyone including Leah. I think she starts to recognise that something is wrong.

We sit in the kitchen for dinner. Leah is still eating while I'm done for a while. Leah cooked so I actually ate a bit of the food just because I know that she made it for me. I didn't eat much tho and Leah saw that. She looks at me with a confused and worried face while I just wait for her to be done. I'm tired. I get tired a lot earlier since I eat less and work out more.

"You didn't eat much. Is everything okay?" Leah asks. She asked that a few times in the last weeks.

"I'm fine." I just say.

"Is the food not good?" She asks. It is actually very good which is giving me a hard time not to eat more of it.

"It is." I give her a smile. I don't want her to think that her food would be the problem. "I think I'll go take a shower already." I get up and bring my plate to the dishwasher. With taking a shower earlier I avoid Leah coming into the bathroom and seeing me naked. Leah doesn't say anything to me and I just leave for the bathroom. I hate taking showers because it forces me to see my body and these comments made me hate my own body so much that I can't look at myself. I get disgusted by myself and I don't want Leah to see something like this.

I don't go back to the living room and just lay in bed already. I want to take my phone which I probably shouldn't do, when Leah comes into the room. She closes the door behind her.

"Louis is asleep." She says and slowly makes her way over to me.

"That's good." I say.

"Mhm." Leah nods. She comes next to me and leans on her arms. She bends over me and gently strokes my cheek. I know where this is going. Before I can say anything, Leah already lowers her face and kisses me. I can't help but to kiss her back. I enjoy her lips on mine and as long as I can keep my clothes on everything is fine. Her hand goes down my side and she gives a bite to my lower lip. I feel her hand at my shirt and I know she wants to take it off. She quietly moans into our kiss which is a sound I really like. Leah wants to pull my shirt up but I turn my head to the side to stop her.

"Stop." I say. Leah looks up and moves her hand back.

"What?" She seems surprised.

"No sex." I say.

"Come on, Emma. We didn't have sex for two weeks. I need to have sex with you." Leah sighs.

"I don't want to." I say again. Leah probably wouldn't want me anyway when she would see my body.

"Do you have a spider bite again that you don't want to show me? I didn't see you naked for two weeks." Leah says referring to the last time I kept pushing her away.

"No." I shake my head.

"What is it then?"

"Nothing." I say. I want her to stop asking me.

"Baby, I'm just worried about you. You act weird and you don't eat good in the last time. Are you really okay?" Leah says.

"I'm just tired." I say. That is true. I'm not lying.