My captain

Turns

My heart breaks in the moment I read that word. I was hoping so much for it to be a different word. I can't even say anything at the moment. I look over at Leah for a moment. Her eyes look empty but overall she doesn't look sad. I on the other hand am literally about to cry. I knew that it was highly unlikely for it to work right away but still I kind of believed in it. Leah wraps her arm around me and pulls me into her side. I can't see properly since the tears in my eyes are about to fall down.

"It's okay. We just try another time." Leah says. She is right but I don't want her to be right. I can't really stop the tears from rolling down my face. Leah just holds me but doesn't say anything. I let myself cry for a bit. I feel like it will get better if I just cry for a moment. My face is against Leah's chest and I feel how her shirt under my face gets wet from my tears.

"I was so sure that it worked." I sniff once I lift up my head.

"We don't need to rush. We've got enough time." Leah says in a calm voice. She lays her hand on my head and strokes through my hair.

"I'm sorry about your shirt." I say as I see the spot that is covered in my tears.

"It's fine." She says. I see that she is disappointed as well but she is good at keeping it in.

"I don't want to tell everyone right away." I say. I want to take a few days to realise it myself.

"We don't have to." Leah says. "We can take as much time as you need."

"What about you?" I ask.

"I'm fine." She just brushes it off.

"Really?" I don't believe her. She often lies about her feelings, especially about sad feelings.

"Yeah." She says again and then kisses my forehead. I like how she tries to comfort me but I think she is forgetting about her own feelings. It's her baby as well.

It's pretty late in the night already when we lay in bed together. I lay on Leah's chest and slowly draw circles with my fingers on her naked stomach. I still think about how amazing this evening could have been. I hear Leah breathing a bit heavier and sniffing her nose once.

"Leah? What's up?" I lift my head to look at her. She is crying.

"I'm not fine." She just says. I knew it. She was probably hiding and sucking up her feelings the entire time. Tears are slowly rolling down her cheeks. I lay my hand at her cheek and wipe the tears away a bit.

"I know. It's okay to cry about it." I say. I don't want her to fight her feelings.

"What if the baby felt it?" She cries out.

"It didn't. It isn't even that far developed." I tell her.

"But I keep picturing that little baby that felt how it got rejected." She says still sobbing. Her words hurt me so bad. I know that this isn't the case but if she says it like this it does sound very cruel.

"Shh Leah, it's okay. The baby didn't feel anything. You don't have to worry about that." I lay next to her and take her into my arms to give her a secure feeling.

"I can't cope with that disappointment another time." She says.

"What does that mean? Don't you want to try again?" I worry that she doesn't want this anymore.

"I want to. I want to have a baby with you so bad but I don't know how to cope with this feeling and just the thought of it happening again is making me anxious." She says. I like that she tells me that.

"But think about the feeling that you will have if it works. I can't wait for that. I can't wait to see your happy face once it worked." I stroke her arm a bit and gently kiss her cheek.