Logan

142. Stronger Now

The Iris was definitely slow tonight, gathered by so few new people, but I could still see a few regulars crowded at the edge of the bar. AB waved from his office with the phone to his ear, I waved and a couple of the servers and bartenders said hi to me as a couple walked back into the kitchen.

Desmond and Xiomara took a few bags on the cart one of the bartenders pointed to, and went out to the car. I looked over to see Kellan washing his hands and I walked up to him to say hello. I hadn't seen him since the party.

"Hey Kellan," I said. He looked over at me, then back down. The water switched off and he wiped his hands, rolling his shoulders and his neck. I frowned, a bit confused. Why was he ignoring me? "Kellan, it's me, Natalie."

He looked up as he wiped the counter, "Oh, hey doll. Not used to seeing you in pants, is all."

I looked down to see my jeans, "Oh."

I looked back up and smiled at him, and he just looked at me and cleared his throat. His expression was deadpan "Do you want something, or are you just going to stand there?"

I tried not to let his expression bother me, it stung, but maybe he was just tired. I attempted a smile again, "The firefighters are picking up dinner, I'm just here for the ride. How's Damien?"

"He's okay," he said, monotone expression still on his face, "Listen kid, I've got a lot of cleaning up to do so I'll see ya later." Kellan threw down his towel and started to walk into the kitchen.

I called after him, "Okay, bye!" He waved behind him, turning around the corner and out of sight. My eyes stung and my heart was in my throat, I missed Kellan, my Kellan. Who was this guy? Was this grief, or did I do something wrong?

I blinked back tears and took a deep breath. I looked down at my phone, maybe I could distract myself for just a second. I heard a loud clatter and a chair shifting, the sound of a woman's cries of happiness.

I looked up to hear, "Oh my gosh Desi, it's so good to see you!" A girl in a sequined dress ran up to Desmond who'd come up behind me, her arms wrapped around him and her hair slapped my face in a flurry of almond blonde.

She kissed him.

Mystery girl kissed Desmond.

This wasn't a gentle kiss, she was practically mauling him, and his eyes were open in shock, his eyes locked to me and I turned away. A choked laugh escaped my lips, somewhere between a cough and random noise.

"Only Babs calls him Desi, and you don't look like a 4'9 Nonna, just saying." I was astounded at myself, and she ignored me as she pulled away from Desmond, her arms still around his neck.

"I was thinking for our next date, we can go to that movie I was telling you about, and then," she pulled at his belt buckle and Desmond took a solid step back. Well shit, that was news to me....next date?

This abhorrent gross feeling in my chest was jealousy, and I hadn't felt it in such a long time.

I heard his awkward laughter, and I saw the way she looked at him. Obviously she liked him, but there was something else. I wanted to punch her, which was confusing because I had just made out with Briar. I couldn't tell if he was uncomfortable, or if he was entertaining this.

"Oh, uh, I'll have to check my calendar. I have to check my next availability-"

She waved her hand with a chuckle, "Oh don't worry about that kind of thing, my dad can make the call for you. I'm sure with that suspension Captain Ripley will be happy to give you the night off for, I don't know, 'departmental excursion'" she used in hand quotes, "and he probably won't mind to hear you were going on a date. I know how he worries about all of you, since your breakup."

Rhodes and I exchanged a look and she smacked his arm, "Desmond, are you going to introduce us to your little friend?"

Desmond cleared his throat and stood a little higher, "Elena Giordano," he looked at her then the rest of us, "this is Lt. Xiomara Rhodes, Briar Huxley, and my...uh, Natalie Koughlin."

At the mention of my name Elena's eyes widened, her neck snapped to me, "Wait," she laughed a little and then pointed, "Wait, so you're like, the *Natalie* Koughlin? Like *the* Natalie?"

I put my hand out to shake, "Depends on what Natalie you're asking about." I said. She shook my hand, her lips pursed and then dropped as quick as she picked up. Elena looked back at Desmond, then back to me, a look of disbelief on her face, a strange smile, "you're the folk singer, Natalie, yes?"

I nodded, "Yes."

Elena smirked and then looked over at Desmond, then began speaking to him in Italian, both Rhodes and I could understand a little of what she was saying.

'Surely she's not your ex? How could she wear your sweaters? Tell me that's not her.'

I flinched and my entire face burned, I looked at Desmond and he looked at me shocked, I looked over at Hux and he seemed puzzled yet still reached out for my hand. Desmond didn't say anything, didn't move. I didn't give him a chance, I took Briar's hand and we started to walk toward the exit. I heard Desmond say something to her, but my legs were like molasses and fire, I just wanted to go. I was halfway out the door, the winter cold welcome on my cheeks. My eyes were wet but I couldn't feel anything.

Rhodes turned toward me, "Giordano is such a bitch, are you okay?"

I put my face in my hands and barely murmured, "I want to go home," before my mind carried me away. I took deep breaths as I thought about Ripley, the sound of his comforting voice in my ear, his hugs, "To the station, I mean."

Desmond opened the door and sat, he turned toward me but Rhodes shook her head and he faced forward. No one said anything as we drove back to the station.

The sound of her scoff and comments repeated in my head, I was wearing his sweater when she said that. I took some deep breaths and tried to push the dysmorphia away. It'd been a long time since I'd felt that way about myself, and the last person to do that level of mocking was dead. But it didn't mean I still didn't feel the sting.

I remembered Aeron's sweaters fitting in all the right places, his eyes when I wore them to bed, the way he touched at me, grabbed my body, breathed me in. I thought of the way Wren would place them around my shoulders, how it was always an option if I needed it. I breathed again and tried not to cry when I thought about how Logan smiled when I wore his leather jacket at a festival. She was trying to get under my skin. and it worked, for a little while. But I was stronger now.

I got out of the car as we pulled in and helped bring in a few bags. I set the bags down and raced up to Ripley's office, my bag on the couch. I heard Ripley ask what happened when I pushed past one of the guys, to which Rhodes said, "Raleigh's a little bitch, sir."