Logan

148. What If

*Huxley's POV*

What if this doesn't go well?

What if I don't like her as much as I thought and I hurt her feelings?

What if I mess up?

What if I kiss her too hard?

What if I step on her foot, or trip her?

I unclench my jaw, take a deep breath and try to center myself. Going on a date with Natalie would cement where my dating life is going vs where I thought it was going. I like Natalie, but I'm unsure if its purely friendly or if there's something there. I felt conflicted after the first few kisses, wondering, am I leading her on? Am I leading myself on?

I took a couple deep breaths and walked into the kitchen. I saw Raleigh and Giordano in the rec room, his eyes practically glazed over trying to watch what she was showing him on her ipad. Anyone could see he was really torn up over Natalie, part of me felt guilty, asking her out after he'd dumped her. Seeing him next to Elena had to be painful for Natalie, all I could really wonder if this was right for the two of us? Could we really become a couple?

Why was he trying so hard to make Giordano happy? To keep her away? There had to be some other reason. I noticed the way he flinched or cringed at her touch, his energy was way off when he came back after going to the store. Natalie confessed that Elena was bragging in the kitchen, that she and Desmond had done something, but from the sound of her voice, it was a lie. But I could tell a part of her had self doubt. I had no idea what Desmond's dating life was like before he moved from New York, but he'd shared with Natalie-and she had a way with people. She had an ability to make others feel safe in her presence. Girls either wanted to be her friend or they were intimidated by her sense of security and confidence within herself.

I remembered back to when he told me about the breakup in the aid car.

"I really like her, but I messed up and broke up with her before I could really express how much I did enjoy her. But she's not into giving second chances, I watched the way Logan pleaded with her, what they had was special. She won't talk about him with me, I wonder why?"

I took a breath, "Natalie loved Logan. I mean, she probably would've married him had he asked. I saw those two have so many fights, so passionate and fierce, he could calm her down within seconds, and she did the same for him. Logan had issues expressing how he felt though, and a lot went unsaid between those two. I could see, you know, how you not communicating would really set her off course. Natalie craves to hear how you really feel, the communication, she wants people to be truthful, even if it may hurt."

"What the fuck are you staring at?" Giordano grabbed me away from my thoughts, her sharp tongue piercing the air, a few guys looking over and telling her to shut up.

"Nothing, sorry, I was just... wondering if I could talk to Raleigh for a minute." Giordano looked at him with a pleading look but he shot up out of his seat and pulled me into a conference room.

"Thank you for bailing me out, I felt my brain cells dying."

I made sure the door was locked, "I need you to be straight with me here." I said, looking into his eyes.

Raleigh sighed, "If you're gonna ask me about Natalie, I really don't want to talk about that right now." He rubbed his eyes and took a breath, "I'm trying to play interference between Natalie and Elena. Elena really has it out for her, for some reason-"

I laughed, "Dude, seriously? Are you really that bad at reading women?"

He seemed shocked, his voice irritable, "What else do you want from me? If I take Natalie's side, Elena's going to report Ripley for insubordination of command, if I take Elena's side, it gives her more leeway to be a bitch. Then I just end up hurting Natalie that much more."

I rolled my eyes, "You're already hurting Natalie. You haven't said anything to Elena at all, and that says way more to Natalie than you actually trying to have a conversation with her. I told you how she feels, and here you are still sitting idly by!"

"Because you're taking her out on a date!" He exclaimed, his voice raising, "She could really like you, I don't know. Then my feelings mess that up and make everything complicated for her. I don't want that."

"So what?!" I snapped, "You are really dense if you don't realize she really likes you too? I've seen the way she looks at you, that's love. Love, Desmond. I'm taking her out on a date because I don't see you moving, or making any declarations of affection, not sticking up for her, nothing! You are giving her nothing, no reason to choose you. Besides, you don't know how this date is going to go! We could go through this whole date and realize there is something there, or it could be a complete fail and realize we're just friends. Don't you dare fucking blame me for your inadequacy to communicate! For instance, everyone thinks you slept with Giordano, is that even true?"

Raleigh looked pained, almost sick to his stomach, "Giordano's been... inappropriate. I don't even like her," his voice quieted down and he was still for a moment, "At our last date, she was really pushing for something. Even if I wasn't ready, and I-I'm still, well, I'm..."

Oh.

"Dude I'm sorry she did that, did you report her to Ripley? See if we could do something about her conduct?"

Raleigh shook his head, "Since it didn't happen on grounds, there's nothing he can really do. But if he sees it, he's going to report it."

I felt angry for him, knowing she was putting her hands on him, regardless if he said yes or no.

"Please don't tell Natalie, okay? I don't want her to feel sorry for me." Raleigh said.

I nodded, "Sure, dude, but you should tell her if you feel comfortable. She's had some unfortunate experiences like that..."

He looked up at me with a pained look, "Really? Oh." He sat down, nervously rubbing his neck "I mean I couldn't, she would probably get mad at Ripley."

I shrugged, "You need to stop worrying about how everyone else is going to feel and focus on how you're going to feel." I could see the thoughts spiraling, and leaned over, "Come on, let's go find her."

Desmond straightened, then stopped me, "Oh, uh, before you go, you should know she's allergic to strawberries. Don't get anything that could be cross contaminated either. She likes chocolate stuff, but nothing with a fruit filling."

I let Desmond go out first, and then scribbled 'strawberry allergy' on a piece of paper and stuck it in my pocket. Time for our date.