EO oneshots//1998//2022

Dear Olivia

Elliot sat at his kitchen island, notebook in front of him, pen in hand.  He was instructed to write Olivia a letter...again. he spoke to his therapist about the letter he and Kathy had wrote before they came back and that ever since he gave it to Olivia, he regretted it. He knew what Kathy wrote wasn't the truth, he knew how it would make Olivia feel, and he knew he never should given it to her.  His therapist gave him an assignment: write a new letter. One that's truthful, one that doesn't have to be given to Olivia but one that fully explains everything. So he did.

Dear Olivia, I'm sorry, I'm sure I'll write that more than once, but it deserves to be said first, above everything.  I shouldn't have given you that letter when I came back, everything in it was either the half truth or a down right lie. Olivia, what you and I had was real, our partnership, our friendship, Liv, you were everything to me, and Im sorry I let Kathy write that we were anything less than that.  now for the reason I left, im a coward, plain and simple.  I completely spiraled after Jenna, I couldn't go through the iab hoops, and I couldn't let them drag you into an investigation. so, I made a deal with Tucker, he let me go without a fuss if I left the NYPD, im sorry i couldn't just tell you that. Unfortunately, to say that was the only reason would be another lie.

Elliot tapped his pen against the island as he read over what he has so far. he didn't think he would write this much, the words just kinda flew out on their own. guess that makes sense, it's everything he's wanted to tell her over the two years he's been back.

You were the other reason, Olivia. You were always the reason, the reason I left, the reason I couldn't come back, the reason I had to move an ocean away. I was in love with you

Elliot droped his pen on the island as if it wasn't himself writing, as if the pen did it on its own. His heart start to race, he knew his feelings for her. he has admitted them when he was grieving, he has said them when he was drugged or drunk, He has confessed them to a priest in a Roman cathedral, but writing them down now, it feels real. Everything was real except for one word, "was", he scratched out the word and wrote above it

I am

Elliot contuined writing, he wrote till he reached the end of paper

I couldn't be near you after Jenna because I knew you would try to help, try to comfort me. Kathy knew, I told her how I felt about you that night after giving Cragen my papers. It was her idea to move, I told her I needed out of the city for a while, out of the state. she suggested we vacation to france and to work on our marriage. We left that week.  I got every text, email, voice mail, I listened and read them all a dozen times but I couldn't bring myself to reach out. I convinced myself you were better without me. I couldn't be your partner and love you at the same time, I couldn't work with you and lie to you every day that we were friends because to me we weren't, we were so much more than that, I wanted to be so much than that.