The Life Series Oneshots

{Incorrect Quotes 7!}

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Martyn: Be careful about succumbing to these sorts of destructive... urges. Addiction can be a powerful thing.

Ren: So am I. Bow down before your new supreme overlord, bitches.

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Joel: *trying to buy a Father's Day card at Hallmark*
Joel: Excuse me, do you have any that just say "You are my dad?"
Associate: Well, I-
Joel: How about "You banged my mom?"
Associate: No...
Joel: You know what, I'll just get a blank one.
Joel: *writes* You are a father. This is a day. Here is a card.

[----------]

Gem: I didn't drink that much last night.
Lizzie: You were flirting with Pearl.
Gem: So what? They're my partner.
Lizzie: You asked if they were single.
Lizzie: And then you cried when they said they weren't.

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Cleo: Adults are the most insanely stupid people I have the displeasure of interacting with.
Gem, referring to themself and Pearl: Even us?
Cleo: Especially you guys.
Pearl:
Gem:
Pearl: Petition to kick Cleo out so they stop insulting us.
Gem: Seconded.

[----------]

Etho: Why are you drinking, Bdubs?
Bdubs: I don't drink anymore, so don't start with that.
Etho, holding an empty water bottle: So why was this under your bed?
Bdubs: WE NEED WATER TO LIVE!
Etho: NOT IN MY DAMN HOUSE!

[----------]

Skizz: What do you want then?
Tango: Er... something work related.
Skizz: What department is this?
Tango: Sorry?
Skizz: Well, if it's work related you'd obviously know what department this is. What department is this?
Tango: *looks at Etho and Impulse* Some sort of homosexual department?

[----------]

Bdubs, pointing to Skizz and Tango: Distract them! I'll be right back! *leaves*
Etho: Okay!
*five minutes later*
Bdubs: *returns and sees Skizz and Tango unconscious on the ground* What did you do? I said distract them, not knock them out!
Etho: There's just no pleasing you sometimes.

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Scar: What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave, and her name was Mozzarella?
Pearl: Don't ever speak to me again.

[-----------]

Lizzie: DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT JOKE WAS FUNNY? IT WASNT. NOBODY IS LAUGHING.
Lizzie: *pulls up a graph* THIS IS WHEN YOU TOLD YOUR JOKE, YOU HAVE SONGLE HANDEDLY RUINED COMEDY! IVE ALSO ASKED MANY COMEDY SCHOLARS ON THEIR OPINION OF YOUR JOKE AND THIS IS WHAT THEY HAD TO SAY!
Joel: I've been researching comedy for the past 20 years, and I have genuinely never seen a joke this bad. We have used quantum physics to look into alternate universes to see every joke made, and yours was still by far the worst.
Lizzie: CONGRATULATIONS! YOUVE SINGLE HANDEDLY CREATED THE WORST JOKE IN HUMAN HISTORY! HERES A MEDAL! *pulls up a horrible paint drawn star that says "you need help*

[----------]

Ren: In the past year you have managed to piss off the LAPD, ATF, CIA, FBI-
Big B: NBA.
Ren: ...?
Big B: Snuck into a Cliffords game.