The Life Series Oneshots

{Lizzie and Joel Incorrect Quotes!}

Lizzie, texting Joel: Joel there's a moth on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it?
Lizzie: Pls hurry because I'm going to cry
Lizzie: Joel
Lizzie: Joel
Joel: Joel is dead. You're next. Love, Moth.

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Joel: Lizzie, please calm down.
Lizzie: I asked for two large fries!
Lizzie: *dumps fries onto table*
Lizzie: But all they did was give me a MILLION FUCKING LITTLE ONES!

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Joel: When surrendering, Lizzie is to hand the sword over HILT first.

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Joel: Reverse tooth fairy where you leave money under your pillow and the tooth fairy comes and leaves you a bunch of teeth.
Lizzie: Why?
Joel, shaking a bag of teeth: Just because.

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Joel: Change is inedible.
Lizzie: Don't you mean inevitable?
Joel, spitting out a bunch of pennies: No, I really didn't.

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Joel: So uh, for this party and everything, do you, uh...
Lizzie, sighing: You don't know how to dress for this, do you?
Joel, panicked: WHAT IS CLOTHES???

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Lizzie: Why is there blood everywhere?
Joel: I may have aggressively poked someone with a knife.
Lizzie: You stabbed someone?!
Joel: No, no. I aggressively poked someone with a knife.

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Joel: You've got to act tough, Lizzie! Show 'em you can't be pushed around! Show 'em they can't mess with you!
Lizzie: Right. Yes. Tough. Got it.
Lizzie, standing up on their stool and slamming their hands down on the bar: I'LL TAKE A CHOCOLATE MILK.

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Joel: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.
Lizzie: Wow, I've gotta hear this.
Joel: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn't share.
Lizzie: You forgot pride.
Joel: No, I'm pretty proud of this.

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*During a game of Hangman*
Lizzie: Nope, there's no Q. You lose.
Joel: Are you kidding me?! You can still add something!
Lizzie: I already added a belt, four earrings and an extra arm! YOU LOSE!

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Joel: Why is it that I always lose things as soon as I need them?
Lizzie: Actually, it's not that you lose things when you need them. You lose them a while before. It's just that you LOOK for things when you need them.
Joel: Okay yeah thanks Lizzie, that's great but WHERE'S THE FUCKING FIRST AID KIT?

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Lizzie: So my therapist was talking to me and she said that I really just need to break down my walls and let people in.
Lizzie: So I've decided to break the fourth wall.
Lizzie: *looks at camera* Hi there. I use humor as a coping mechanism.

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Lizzie: *hiding something in their coat* I think we should adopt another kid!
Joel: No.
Lizzie: Why not?
Joel: Because when you say "kid", you mean "cat", and we already have fifteen of those.
Lizzie: *unzips coat* Sixteen.

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*Lizzie and Joel are in a car teetering on the edge of a cliff*
Lizzie: oh my god, Joel, backwards!
Joel: Really, Lizzie? I thought I might go forwards into the river, I thought that would be a fun thing to do.

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Lizzie: What, I can't be in a bad mood? It's like people think, "Oh, Lizzie is such a nice person, Lizzie is so happy-go-lucky! Lizzie can't be in a bad mood!" Well, you know what? Lizzie CAN be in a bad mood. And right now, Lizzie IS be in a bad mood.

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*Joel and Lizzie playing minecraft*
Joel: Oh no, oh no, oh no-
Lizzie: What's wrong?
Joel: I did a thing.
Lizzie: You regret the thing you dID-
Joel: *screams*
Lizzie: What the fuck did you do- *sees mass of aggravated Piglin* Damn it-
Joel: *screams again*

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Joel: I made lightly fried fish fillets for dinner.
Lizzie: Joel, It's 1:15 am, what the fuck.
Joel: Do you want the lightly fried fish fillets or not.
Lizzie: Well, I mean yeah.
Joel: So come downstairs while they're still hot.
Lizzie: Wait, you just made them?
Joel: Yeah, I wasn't tired so I decided to make lightly fried fish fillets.
Lizzie: Say lightly fried fish fillets one more time Joel.

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Lizzie: Please confirm to your knowledge that you are not a fully robotic being, were born an organic creature, and do in fact possess what many cultures would call a soul.
Joel: What? "To my knowledge"? Do a lot of people not know if they're robots?
Lizzie: Thank you for your confirmation.

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Lizzie: Did you win? Or just not die?
Lizzie: Either way, hooray.
Joel: ...Is "no" a valid answer?
Lizzie: The hooray is redacted and you frighten me.

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Lizzie: I love cooking breakfast. It makes the whole house smell like bacon.
Joel: That's true, but it also smells like fire and panic.
Lizzie: You and the smoke detector need to get off my case.

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Lizzie: Did you buy eggs like I asked?
Joel: Even better!
Lizzie: What the fuck did you-
Joel: *holding up a chicken* Her name is Fluffy.

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Joel: Hey Lizzie?
Lizzie: Yeah?
Joel: What's your favorite color of the alphabet? True or false?
Lizzie:
Lizzie: ...What.

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Lizzie: Goodnight to the love of my life, Joel, and fuck the rest of y'all.