Logan's Version

LV 5 (scene 10) - Birds Of A Heather

It's 5 in the morning, and Logan is returning from a morning run, which he never goes for. He closes the front door behind him and exhales briefly. The intro to Surround Sound by JID starts playing in the background as he climbs on the centre couch to check something from the ceiling (I know I can't afford to stop...). When he comes down, the intro ends, and the full song starts playing, and Logan does a hip hop related dance.
Logan: (lip syncing along) Too far - (He starts a hip hop related dance) Push the entire pack off of the porch and break a pound down; Get this strap, if it happens to blow, it makes surround sounds!... (He makes random dance moves, from line dancing, to hip swaying, to traditional choreography. But he's interrupted just as the chorus ends by Tracy, who's just finished brushing her teeth)
Tracy: Logan, what are you doing?! [laugh track]
Logan: I'm dancing. And I can do it better, coming from someone who's not a girl.
Tracy: Oh, please. (She taps on her phone, and Austin by Dasha starts playing) Out of my way. You don't want to mess with a descendant of the Wild West! [brief laugh track]
Logan: Bring it on, Tracy! (Tracy starts line dancing in a traditional country style, Logan joins in soon after)
Tracy: (lip syncing also) I'm on my way back to LA, and that's where you'll be forgotten. In 40 years, you'll still be here, drunk washed up in Austin! (The song starts ending, and the two make a kind of closure move with their line dancing. But when the final beat drops, the two adults hear the doorbell ring. They stop their dancing, and Logan opens the door. A brunette lady about 5 feet tall, dressed in a blue evening gown, is standing at the door. Logan is obviously stunned as he recognises her)
Logan: Heather? It's been a while.
Heather: (sarcastic) Wow. Do you actually remember me? Funny.
Tracy: Why is Logan funny? Remember, he doesn't write the scripts in his comedy roles [laugh track]
Heather: Let's just say I'm coming back to take something that belongs to me. Or should I say someone? (Logan and Tracy drop their jaws drop in shock) [laugh track]
Danny: (offscreen) Random lady that Mr Logan hooked up with and most likely had a baby with said what?!! (The adults look around to know where the voice is coming from) [laugh track]

The scene opens with Heather sitting in the living room like she owns the place. Logan, Tracy, and Nigel are standing by the kitchen door and whispering to themselves. Nigel is still dressed in pyjamas.
Nigel: Let me get this straight. You called me at almost 6 in the morning just so you could introduce me to Logan's ex who's obsessed with him?
Tracy: I know. I'm just as disappointed in myself as you are in Logan.
Logan: Wow, nice save [brief laugh track].
Nigel: I don't even get it. What did you do that made her this crazy? You and Morgan are still all over the headlines. (The doorbell rings, and Tracy opens the door. Jesse has a medium-sized gift box wrapped in tin foil).
Jesse: Good morning, Miss Tracy. Is Kelsea still sleeping?
Tracy: Yeah, I see you got her an early gift.
Jesse: It's from the 3 special guys in her life. Well, the 3 broke special ones, but you get the joke [brief laugh track]. (He walks in and drops it on the centre table, completely ignoring Heather's presence)
Tracy: (baffled) Aren't you going to greet Logan's visitor?
Jesse: Oh, no. I don't want to know anyone or anything associated with Logan. I'm already annoyed as it is.
Heather: (sneers) If I add that I was dumped by Logan, would you still talk to him?
Tracy/Logan/Nigel: Heather?!
Heather: (scoffs) He was going to find out sooner or later. (Jesse starts to leave the house in anger)
Jesse: Bye, Miss Tracy, Mr Nigel. Have a good day while mine becomes ruined again.
Nigel: (to Logan) This must be tough for you, but we can help. (Tracy closes the door and turns to glare at Heather)
Logan: What am I supposed to do? My ward practically hates me, and this (points at Heather) annoying birdie just had to rat me out further.
Heather: (stands up and looks at the three) To be fair, if I wanted to rat you out, Morgan is just a few websites away. So, good news, I'm still crazy for you [laugh track]
Logan: Heather, I appreciate the whole huge fan, huge crush thing. But I have a girlfriend. And she's way crazier than you think you are.
Nigel: He's not lying.
Heather: And I'm not in the mood to care. (She puts her arms around Logan's shoulders) Babe, you should know that ever since I met you that night, my heart has been beating for you nonstop.
Tracy: More like your heart got replaced with a mechanical one. The type that rusts like the metal plates in your brain [heavy laugh track]
Heather: (glaring at Tracy) At least, I've had a taste of this chocolate hunk here. You destroyed your taste buds after having this overrated vanilla over here.
Tracy: Better than the brownie pie you think hits better...
Nigel: OK, I've heard enough. I'm an adult, and even this whole talk is cringe [brief laugh track]. Look, can we deal with this later? It's my cousin's birthday and the main reason we're here is to make it a special one.
Heather: And I'm the reason it's special.
Logan: Yeah, joy! [laugh track] I'm calling up Madison.
Tracy: Great idea, Logan! (to Heather in a sarcastic tone) And here's the best part! You get to be on the menu too [heavy laugh track]
Logan: (whispering to Nigel as they both leave the house) Man, I love it when we're not the centre of Tracy's jokes. Best birthday ever! [another laugh track]

Later in the afternoon, Kelsea, Danny, Rudra, Harleen, and Hudson are at Lovely Place. They're surrounded chicken wings, meat pies, hamburgers, and cola cans. They're discussing Kelsea's coming birthday.
Kelsea: And that's what happened this morning. I didn't know Logan had time for any of that.
Hudson: Let's be honest. Being a guardian to you and Jesse doesn't mean that he's allowed to have a boring life. Bro is in his 20s.
Danny: (counters) He's gonna be 30 in 3 months.
Hudson: Like I said, 20s [brief laugh track]
Harleen: That's not the point. We have to make sure Kelsea's birthday goes off without a hitch. Or should I say, a Heather? (She mouths a laugh at her unamused friends)
Rudra: This is embarrassing. And you're supposed to be the funny twin [laugh track]
Kelsea: Look, I'm gonna be fine. We're going to have the best birthday party ever this weekend. Logan is letting me use the house for a party since my birthday is obviously a school day.
Rudra: Great! All we have to do is convince Jesse to show up.
Danny: Is he still upset about the interview?
Rudra: To be fair, he's technically upset when you don't listen to any of his warnings. I can relate.
Kelsea: You're right. (turns to Harleen) Harleen, I'm so sorry that I always think you're not in my class of friends.
Harleen: Awwwn, Kel? Your non apology is giving. Bummer [laugh track]
Rudra: Heather's stay at Logan's place is more of a bummer.
Kelsea: I don't think she'll give much trouble...

The next day, Logan and Tracy are having breakfast while Kelsea and her friends are at school.
Logan: You know? I've always wondered why I haven't heard about Kelsea's parents in a while.
Tracy: It doesn't matter, although they might have either passed on, or they're trying to pass away from the spotlight [laugh track]. Kelsea's birthday will go smoothly. Then, after that, we'll throw Heather out of the house. She'll give much trouble.
Logan: Yeah, just one problem. (The two turn to Heather, who's munching victoriously on pizza and smirking) [laugh track]
Heather: I can hear you, Tracing book girl [another laugh track]
Tracy: (rolls her eyes) I wonder how Logan even met you and what in the world can make you leave?
Heather: Nothing, I say. Nothing! (Tracy stares in a direction as though she's lost in thought. The camera pans in on her right blue-coloured iris and shows a speeding blue wave of light before opening to show Heather standing at the door, wearing a regular blue evening dress, with her bags. She looks upset about something)
[Heather: I can't believe that you threw me out just because of one little lie that everyone tells their people. Y'all will pay for this!
Logan: Actually, Y'all people will pay. That's if you got people to back you up]
(Her vision quickly closes, and the camera shows the wave light, and finally, her eyes and entire face. She seems surprised that she just imagined something so realistic)
Tracy: (almost confused) That was awkward.
Heather: You mean saying that you can do nothing to get me out of the house?
Tracy: (smirking) Actually, yeah. It's going to be VERY awkward [laugh track]. (She stands up and sashays to the kitchen. Heather and Logan exchange confused glances)
Heather: Doesn't she mean "it's" and not "it will"?
Logan: To be fair, that was her thinking face. You're lucky it's not Danny. And please, don't say his name again!
Heather: (thinking Logan is being dramatic) Really? Danny.
Danny: (pops out from under the table) Sup?!
Logan/Heather: ACKK!! (The two quickly stand from their seats and run out of the dining room) [laugh track]
Danny: (evidently clueless) Man, I forgot to wait till the third time, if I'm being summoned.  (Smacks his forehead) Think, Danny, think! [final laugh track]