Generations: The Long Game

Therapy

T/W: traumatic birth, ED, and slight indication of suicidal ideations

Mia fidgeted in her seat. She hated Mondays. She hated them even more now. She didn't know why she had agreed to this. Well, she did, but she still hated herself for it. Charlotte looked nervous and Mia hated that she was the reason her wife had become so insecure. She hated herself for this, but she didn't know how to stop it. That is why they were sat in this damn office. She needed a drink. She had been drinking a lot lately which left Charlotte to feed three babies. She still pumped to keep her supply, but if she had been drinking it went right down the drain.

"Mia, Charlotte come on in" Mia groaned as she got up. She knew she was acting like an unruly teenager, but she just couldn't see how this was going to help. They had been coming here every Monday for the last three months and nothing had changed. She couldn't do what they had urged her to do. She couldn't. "So, how was this week?"

"The same as every week before, Veronica. Nothing changes. I have done all your silly exercises and all your stupid homework Nothing is working." Why was she always angry? She wasn't angry. She was hurt and frustrated and... angry. She loved her family. Why couldn't she just do that? Therapy had helped her once before. It just wasn't helping her this time, and she didn't know how to make it work.

"So, I see we're angry again, Amelia. Let's talk about that."

"No, no, I am done talking. I am done with this. I have three beautiful sons and two beautiful daughters at home. I have a beautiful wife sat right there. She is like sunshine. She is an angel, and anytime she gets within arms length of me I go into a full-blown panic attack." She got up to leave when Veronica spoke.

"Mia, you have suffered an extremely traumatic birth. On top of that you were already trying to recover from an eating disorder that resurfaced during your pregnancy. You are feeling like you have no control. Which quite frankly is foreign to you because you have always demanded control over every juncture of your life since your father was taken from you. You can leave right now, if you like. I won't stop you and neither will Charlotte, but I promise you your next stop will be divorce court. Your beautiful family loves you, but this anger is eating you alive and soon they won't be able to recognize you."

She stopped in her tracks and turned to the woman. "Then help me figure this out because I can't live like this anymore."

True fear settled into Charlotte's chest. She didn't know what that meant. What was Mia thinking? She wished she could change all of this. Fix it somehow, but only Mia had the power to do that. She hadn't lied to Veronica. She had diligently worked on the homework and the exercises, but her mind just wouldn't give her peace.

She wasn't pushing Mia at all. It was Mia who was eager to get back to the voracious sex life they had before the boys. Charlotte wanted her. She yearned for her if even just to be close to her again, but she never pushed. After the first panic attack she didn't even make advances. Not even innuendo. She didn't initiate hugs or any physical contact. After Mia had a panic attack in the middle of the night when a sleeping Charlotte's arm grazed her, they had stopped even been sleeping in the same bed.

"I need this to stop," Mia said. "I need to feel like me again. To feel the joy that my life brought me before this."

Veronica sighed and if she was honest with herself, she was at the point where she no longer believed traditional methods were going to work for Mia. "I would like to try hypnotherapy. Today if you agree."

Mia agreed and Charlotte stepped out of the room as the assistant stepped in. Charlotte couldn't help but fidget. She was nervous. For herself. For Mia. She didn't know what to expect or even if this was going to work. All she knew is they had to keep trying. She couldn't let what Veronica predicted become their reality.

When they left Veronica's office they got in their own cars and drove in opposite directions. Barely a word passed between them. Charlotte arrived at the sister nursery and locked herself in the office. Her mind had all it could handle for the moment. She sat at her desk and the tears began to fall. In all of this time she hadn't cried. She had kept a brave face for Mia. But now the tears flowed freely as her own feelings couldn't be held in any longer.

Char picked up all the children and when they arrived home, she found Mia cooking. "How was acupuncture?" "Transcendent," Mia replied mostly sarcastically.

Char sat on the other side of the bar not really knowing what else to say. She got up to join the children in the lounge when Mia spoke. "Charlotte, I really do want to get better."

"I know you do, my love. I don't blame you. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. Maybe ... well never mind."

"No, Charlotte, say it."

"I love you, Mia, but your not working right now and" she paused not knowing if she could bear to say the rest. Her heart was breaking for the woman she loved, but she knew she would be breaking her own heart with this. She wished she could wash all of this away by holding her, but she couldn't even touch her without causing her pain. "Maybe you should go away for a while."

Mia stood there in complete shock. She couldn't believe what she was suggesting. Was this it? What Veronica had said? Were they splitting up? Her hands began to shake. Her breath began to quicken. Her heart was racing. Her head was foggy. She was dripping sweat. She was hyperventilating. She was angry. She couldn't stop it! Why couldn't she stop it? She dropped to her knees and wept. Why couldn't she just stop it.

Charlotte was helpless. If she tried to get near her or comfort her, she would only make it worse, but everything in her instinct was telling her to go to her. She reached out a trembling hand, but Mia pushed her hand away. "Please, Char don't"

They sat there together in silence on the kitchen floor for what seemed like hours. Both sobbing. Both feeling completely helpless to save what they held so incredibly dear.

Charlotte broke the silence. "Mia, I didn't mean go forever. I just thought if you went away for a bit, you wouldn't feel so guilty every time you saw the children or myself. Maybe it would help you heal. Maybe it wouldn't. What we are doing now isn't healing you. If anything, it is harming us. I don't want us to end up hating each other. I don't want what Veronica said to become our reality. I don't think I could survive it, but if going away would bring you back to us I am willing to try.

Mia tried to understand, but it went against every fiber of her being. She wanted to stay and fight. She just didn't know how to fight this." Char, I can't. I know that my dad didn't abandon me now, but when I was a kid, I didn't know that. I can't do that to my children. I can't let them feel those things. I won't."

Charlotte felt defeated. She didn't want her to go. She just couldn't see a way where her staying helped her. She needed time to process all that had happened to her without feeling responsible for everyone else's hurt. "What if you just go to the house in town or the children and I could if you rather. That way you can still see them when you want." She was grasping at straws, and she knew it. They both knew it.

Charlotte got up to check on the children and get them takeaway. Their dinner had not made it through the emotional situation. Most dinners ended up this way lately. Burnt on the stove and forgotten for another day with the two women hoping to have the energy to worry about it tomorrow.

Lynn and Lucy chatted on about their day while their mothers sat and listened during their meal. Their sadness still palpable in the atmosphere. Lynn and Lucy exchanged a knowing glance and excused themselves. As Charlotte cleared the table and cleaned up the dishes and kitchen, Mia sat at the table just staring into space. Charlotte couldn't help her and trying to protect Mia was killing her. Finally, she picked up her phone and called the only other person that had ever protected her.

"Reecy, I need your help."