Generations: The Long Game

A Life Without Mia

A Life Without ...

Carly and Marjorie came to sit with the children while Charlotte took Mia to the airport. Mia would have taken herself ordinarily if she was going on a solo trip, but she didn't want her Mustang sitting in long term parking for that long. They drove in complete silence. They were both overwhelmingly nervous and insecure about the journey they were about to embark on.

Charlotte got out to say their goodbyes and move to the driver's seat. "It feels strange not to hug and kiss you goodbye. Especially with you going for so long, and so far." Mia just wanted to get the goodbyes over with. Her eyes were already burning with the threat of tears and her chest was tight with grief. "I know, baby, but hopefully when all of this is over, we can hug and kiss each other hello again."

Charlotte hoped that would be true, but after three months of semi-failed attempts at therapy she was starting to lose hope. She couldn't tell Mia that. She wouldn't. It would only make her feel more guilty. She had decided to keep the weekly appointments with Veronica. She had made the mistake of burying her grief when her relationship with Jack ended and it nearly destroyed her. She knew they weren't separating, but to her it didn't feel much different.

When she arrived back at the house, she felt like a shell of herself and just sat in the car for a few moments. She had to find a way to go inside and start a life with her children that didn't include Mia. After they got married, she never thought that day would come, but here she was. Alone. The single parent of five children. Even if it was only temporary it felt daunting.

She walked through the door and around to the lounge where she could hear the girls laughing. She faked a smile and greeted them with hugs and kisses she probably held a little too long. Carly quickly took the girls off to play knowing that Char probably needed to talk to someone, and Marjorie could do that while she occupied the girls.

Their friends still didn't know the full extent of what had gone on in their home the last few months. Charlotte didn't really know if she wanted to tell them either. She was afraid they would look at her differently or worse, in her eyes, look at Mia differently. The moment for being guarded wasn't now though as she collapsed into Marjorie's arms without a word and sobbed. Marjorie couldn't help but sob with her friend. For her friend.

Charlotte was hurt enough for herself, but the hurt she felt for Mia was unbearable. Mia didn't ask for any of this, and then on top of that there were times she resented her when she shouldn't have. She didn't want Marjorie to think she was a horrible human being, so she didn't say those things. In some way Charlotte didn't believe she had the right to be hurt. It was Mia who nearly died bringing their boys into the world. It was Mia who was experiencing crippling panic attacks.

The next morning's drop off was a nightmare. The boys cried almost all night. They missed Mia. With her still off from work she took the nights with them every night. It was their routine. With Mia gone, all they got was mummy. They weren't fans. Not that she blamed them. She laid awake some nights listening to her with them. She fussed over each one and sang to them. She told them all about their life before them. How much she and mummy loved them. And how much she loved their mummy. Some nights she would cry herself to sleep, and some nights she would burn with shame. She was jealous of her own children. They still got Mia. They were being held and kissed and loved.

With the girls off to school, she and the boys made their way to the nursery. Charlotte wasn't actually working today but was still dropping the boys off. She had decided to get some Christmas shopping done as she and Mia had done very little so far, and then she had her appointment with Veronica. Shopping with out Mia seemed dull. It felt a little bit like when she was married to Jack and he left it all to her. She had been the default parent for so long that when Mia started stepping in on some of the tasks first with the girls and then the boys Charlotte almost didn't know how to react. She was ashamed at first because she thought Mia didn't believe she could do it on her own. Then she was incredibly proud of her girlfriend for stepping up, and finally she settled into comfortable. Now she wondered if comfortable was just another way of saying "taken for granted."

After checking out she rushed to get to Veronica's office. She sat in the same chair she had for months and waited. Once inside the office she and Veronica started with a little small talk before Veronica brought her around to the work. Charlotte talked most of the hour about her insecurities and how she felt inadequate. As a wife. As a mother. As a manager. Before their hour came to an end, Char told Veronica how angry she was at how their life had turned out lately. More importantly how she felt she had no right to be angry.

"Charlotte, Mia is not the only person in your relationship who is allowed to have feelings. The two of you have been through something very traumatic. She was the person whose body was affected, but you endured a trauma that day too. Thinking the person you are in love with is going to die is a traumatic event, and you have been so focused on how Mia was doing you have forgotten to worry about Charlotte."

Mia

Mia had been in Washington a week already. She was doing her therapy sessions every day and group therapy every evening. It had become a routine. In between she wrote in a journal. Sometimes she wrote about her feelings. Sometimes she wrote about her anger, and sometimes she wrote letters to Char.

After group they had an hour that was meant for reflection. It was her least favorite time of the day. It usually ended in her becoming very anxious. She didn't know how to be with herself anymore. She and Charlotte had filled their lives with people. Friends and family that filled in all the quiet moments. Mia's mind drifted in reflection tonight and her father laid heavy on her mind. In being there working on herself she knew it would be better for her children overall, but her heart broke for them. She wondered what they must be thinking. She had never been away from the boys this long and hadn't been away from the girls this long in years. Did they feel abandoned? Christmas was still more than a month away. How would they feel when she came home only to leave again? And finally, she thought about that night in the spare room. She needed to work on that before she saw Char again.

They had left so many things unsaid over the last few months fearing that they would tread on each others' feelings. Both being completely unable to deal with any raw emotions. She hated that more than anything. She had always been proud of their ability to communicate no matter how hard the subject. When their communication failed it was a bigger blow to their relationship than the lack of physical contact.

On their call this week Charlotte had told her that she was continuing to see the therapist and that it was helpful. She was putting herself first. Which if she was honest, she hadn't done in a long time. Veronica had increased her sessions to three a week. They decided together that Charlotte may need something a little more intensive for awhile.

Mia almost broke down during her call with the children. In the end Lynn and Lucy had started to understand more about where she was and why she had to be separated from them. The boys at nearly 4 months now couldn't really focus on where her voice was coming from but at least she could see them. It felt like they had already gotten so much bigger. Reed was bigger than Aki and Carson at this point. He was starting to get the chunky baby look and his little brown curls were starting to be come unruly. Her heart yearned to hold her babies, but in order to give them all a better life with both parents she needed to stay and do the work. She promised herself during that first call with them that she would work harder at this than she had ever worked on anything in her life.