Ready? Not Really.. (Fem USUK) •IN EDITING•

Amelia

July 4th, 2001
I have a diary! Finally!
It was supposed to be Amy's birthday present, but I really really wanted it, and mum said she couldn't afford to get me my own.
Amy said she doesn't mind me taking hers. Just me being there was her gift.
I'm glad!

December 15th, 2001
Amelia invited me to her Christmas party!
I don't have enough money for a nicer dress than my old red one. Hopefully she'll like it anyways.

March 2nd, 2002.
Just went to the second grade dance!!
Why do we even have dances? All of the boys are yucky. The girls all looked nice, tho.
Amy went with some smelly boy in third grade. She made him a bracelet out of "flowers." They were really weeds from the soccer field.
I wish she'd make me a weed bracelet.

May 14th, 2003
I've been feeling weird lately.
My tummy is in knots, as my mum put it. But the really weird thing is it only happens when I'm with Amy.
Odd.

July 8th, 2003.
She hates me.
I messed up.
And now she hates me.
What was I thinking?

August 12th, 2003.
Came home and some girls threw water balloons at me. Not for fun. Everyone knows I hate being wet.
Amy watched. She joined in after a while.

October 31st, 2003.
When the girls at school were trick-or-treating, they started throwing eggs at my house.
Mum had to call the police.

January 2nd, 2004.
I watched the New Years fireworks by myself.
Everyone in the neighbourhood was invited to Amelia's house to see them on her roof except me.
I heard it was fun.
Maddie gave me a couple of leftover sparklers.

April 7th, 2004.
One of the girls cut off my pigtails. Amelia put gum in my hair again a few days before, so I guess I'm a little grateful for that girl.
She said I looked like a boy now.
Maybe Amelia would like me if I was one?
Mum pulled me out of school.
Now I'm homeschooled.
She told me to not leave the house unless I had her with me.
I wish Amelia was still my friend.

There was a huge gap between the end of third grade and the beginning of middle school. I frowned and tried to look for any more writing in between that may have been stuck in the back of the book, but found nothing. Maybe those years fell out? I sighed and turned the page.

August, 2006.
My therapist said I'm lesbian.
I told her about Amelia, and she just had a really sad look on her face.
"Sounds like you like her still. In a.. not friendly way," she said.
I didn't know what to say, but I know I have weird feelings for Amelia. I wish they'd go away.
Mum enrolled me in some boarding school that's ten miles away from home. She said it's a "new start." I think she wants to get rid of me after she figured out I'm in love with Amelia.

September, 2006.
What a surprise.
Amelia is in the same damn school as me.
My mum once said there's no such thing as coincidences. That god has planned everything out beforehand. Well.. god must hate me, then.
Him and Amelia should get together sometime and exchange notes.

November, 2006.
Amelia still hates me, just so you know.
Asked her for a pencil in class, and she just stared at me for a second before frowning at me like I was a huge cockroach.

January, 2007.
It's like I love to torture myself.
Dreamt of Amelia for the third time this week. This time, she kissed me and said she loved me back.
I woke up crying so loud, Maddie had to come calm me down.

July, 2007.
Even on summer break, I just think about Amelia. How's her family? Does she like her new friends more than she liked me? Does she think about me?
The world is a tough place for lesbians.

October, 2007.
Safe to say all she thought about was new ways to insult me.
I had ice poured down my shirt in gym and I started screaming. Amelia just high fived whoever did it.

February, 2008.
I've started to cry during class for no reason.
Mum took me to a psychiatrist.
He put me on some depression medicine. It works sometimes, but as soon as Amelia makes fun of me, it's like it doesn't even have an effect.

December, 2008.
Finally found this book!
I thought someone stole it, but turns out that I just left it in one of my coat pockets.
Nothing much has changed. Maddie comes and visits my room more often since I'm not allowed to have a roommate. She brought Amelia one time. Ended up with me shoving her onto the ground and her pulling my hair and lots of yelling.
She hasn't come with Maddie since.

May, 2009.
I started having more.. vivid dreams of her.
I wake up sweating and crying almost every night.
I wish I was normal.
I wish Amelia loved me back.

June, 2011.
Found the book again!
Two years have passed this time. Still not a lot of change. Amelia is on the cheer team. I watch her practice almost every day. It started with Maddie coming with me to support her sister after she broke her ankle, but I haven't stopped coming since. Sometimes, I almost swear she smiles at me, but then I look at her and I just see her usual scowl.
Turns out, Maddie is lesbian too. She's dating some annoying girl named Gillian. I don't like Gil much, but she's alright when we're alone together. One of Gil's friends asked me out a few months back. I didn't want to go at first, but I did, and we hit it off quite quickly. I've never known what it was like to be needed before then. We had a few beers, then a lot. I woke up sleeping without any clothes on beside her. She looked a little like Amelia, which explains why I agreed to go with her in the first place.
I'm friends with the girl, but I can't look at her the same way.
After that, I never stopped thinking about Amelia. Even now, she's on my mind. Sometimes she goes away. But she's always somewhere in the back of my head. Smiling. Laughing.
I am completely hopeless.
I wish I could get over her.

I stared down at the book like it was written in welsh. This entry only dated to a year back. I hurt her worse than I've ever thought. And she..
Loved.. me back..?
I sniffed and wiped a few tears sliding down my face away before turning to the last two pages with writing.