Ready? Not Really.. (Fem USUK) •IN EDITING•

Alice

"Hey..." I looked over at the sound of Amelia's voice. She laid on her back on top of her bed, staring at the ceiling. "Alice?"
"Yeah?"
"You wanna just..." Amelia waved her hand as she tried to find the word. "Talk? Like normal roommates?"
"Are we not normal roommates?" I joked.
Amelia stayed silent.
Oh.
Well, okay then.
It wasn't that late, maybe eight o'clock at night, but it felt like midnight with the shades drawn and drowning out the quickly fading sunlight. The lamp beside my bed was turned on, but the orange lightbulb only produced an eerie glow to our room. Light bounced off Amelia's body and hair, illuminating her features and contouring her face with haunting shadows.
"What do you want to talk about?" I asked, laying on my side and propping my head up with my hand.
Amelia shrugged and sat up to face me. "I.. I don't care. Anything. We haven't had a normal conversation in years, Ally." She hugged her knees. "I just want that with you."
My heart lurched at her words. Amelia never acted so heartfelt. I was so used to the Amelia that bounced around with a smile on her face and a biting remark at the tip of her tongue. This wasn't like her. This was a different Amelia, but... one I could certainly get used to. "I mean, I can't just randomly come up with something to talk about..."
"Make it up." She flipped her hair back and hung her legs off of the side of her bed. When I said nothing, she sighed and shook her head. "Wow, you're awesome at this. Okay, well... I'll bite. Why did you cut your hair?"
I raised my eyebrows. "You put gum in it back when we were kids and I didn't realise it so when I fell asleep, it got all matted and shit."
Amelia rolled her eyes. "Well, yeah, okay. But why did you keep it short? You used to wear those stupid pigtails all through elementary school. Dude, don't even look at me like that. They were bad. But... You could've just grown your hair out again. So why didn't you?"
I blinked a few times. She had a point. Why? I had no clue. I'd never really thought of it. My hairstyle couldn't hold any kind of deeper meaning, could it? Unconsciously, I reached up a twirled a few strands between my fingers. "I don't really know. It just.. fit me, you know? And it was like a weight off my shoulders. Well," I smiled when Amelia snorted. "Physically and metaphorically. It was like.. a way to just get rid of bad memories."
"Of me?" She tilted her head. Amelia didn't look snarky, just genuinely curious.
"Yeah." I looked at the ground. "Yeah," I repeated. "Of you."
Amelia dug her toes into the carpet. "Was I really that bad to you?" She swung her foot back and forth, making a weird scratching noise with her big toe and the ground. "Because I didn't mean it, I swear." She added, half to herself, "I never did."
I thought back to tainted memories of elementary and high school. Of girls refusing to talk to me and boys acting like I didn't exist. Of people I thought were once my friend pushing me around and insulting me and laughing when I responded the way they wanted. Years of building up emotional walls until no one could get through. The wall was still there, just with a few holes. Maddie and Fran had managed to get through to me, but the ruins remained. It was nearly impossible to destroy what had taken so long to make.
"You were pretty bad," I said quietly.
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Sorry..."
We didn't say anything for a little while. The room turned progressively darker until it was all shadows save the little lamp. Voices from the hallway streamed in along with the small hum of the air conditioning kicking in, but after a while, even that seemed to fade away until it was just our own little world of just me and Amelia.
"Can I sit beside you?" Amelia said finally.
"Yeah."
"Thanks." She got up and padded over silently, her socked feet making no noise on the carpet. The bed dipped under her weight as she crawled on. I scooted over to make room, but it didn't really make much of a difference since Amelia just immediately laid down and sprawled across the mattress, her long legs stretching out and brushing against me as she took up the entire space. A small smile spread on her face, making her eyes glint a little. "Hey."
"Salutations."
She grinned. "That's such a lameass word." Amelia laid her head on my pillow. Her nose was just centimeters away from mine, and I could see the clear indent of her dimples when she smiled so close to me.
"You're a lameass."
"Shut up."
I couldn't help but smile back. Everything felt right when she was beside me. Deep down, anxiety gnawed in my stomach. What if the DA walked in on us right now? Or Fran? Anything could go wrong.
And yet..
I just didn't care.
Even if we got in trouble for laying down together, it didn't matter. Nothing anyone could say would ever convince me that being with Amelia was wrong. Not when this felt so, so good.
Amelia held my hand tight in both of hers, wrapping her fingers around my hand. She closed her eyes and lifted my arm so she could kiss my wrist. Her lips were warm against my skin. I could barely think straight anymore. Ah, no pun intended. Instead of putting my hand back down, she kept it where it was, closing her eyes. "You feel cold."
"Sorry?" She shrugged and pulled me closer, pressing our foreheads together. "Is this what normal roommates are like to you?" I teased, but I was nervous. Was that pushing it too far? I still wasn't sure of Amelia's limits when it came to joking around about us.
Amelia's eyes fluttered open. "I don't need your attitude, Kirkland." She kissed my hand again one more time before settling on just laying there staring at me. "Tell me more about yourself." She was totally avoiding my question, but I didn't press it. I wasn't even sure I was ready to answer it myself. This topic was much safer.
"Like?"
"Seriously, I could care less. Tell me about a fish that died and you cried over. Dumb shit like that."
"That is incredibly disrespectful to any of my previous fish." Amelia grinned. "Alright, I did have a hermit crab."
"And?" She squeezed my hand and nestled closer to me. Her blue eyes grew big as if she was genuinely intrigued at my story. "Did he suffer a tragic death at the hands of Alice the aquatic animal annihilator?"
I laughed and shook my head, pushing her shoulder with my free hand. "No! That's awful! He just.. got out of his shell and died in the wide open."
"Creepy." Amelia ran her thumb across the back of my hand, sending chills up my spine. Her touch was so gentle that it was hard to believe it was her. "So did you cry for two weeks?"
"A week and a half, thank you very much."
Amelia opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted by the speakers in the hallway.
Lady Warriors, it is now ten p.m. Curfew is in place. Any girls found outside their dorm room will receive the appropriate punishment starting now. Getting water and using the restroom is acceptable. Any other activity is prohibited. Thank you, and sleep tight. Tomorrow is a new start! Make the best of it when it comes.
"Ten o'clock... It feels so much later," Amelia commented.
"Sorta," I agreed. But really, it felt like we had created our own little sliver of reality in this crazy school. Even if it may just be for a few minutes, Amelia and I owned this small period of time for ourselves. It was as if we were the only two people in the world and everyone else was just a dream. Just Amelia and I...
Sounded good to me.
"We should get ready for bed," she said, pulling me out of my thoughts. Amelia untangled herself from me and got up, stretching as she walked over to our closet. I had no idea why she bothered looking for pyjamas. She always wore the exact same thing to bed: a sports bra and lounge shorts. It was probably why I enjoyed going to bed so much, seeing her with so minimal clothing.
No, bad Alice.
Amelia changed into her usual sleeping outfit and threw her dirty clothes at me. I scoffed and batted them away, glaring at her. "You're a dick." She smiled and shrugged. Much to my surprise, instead of going to lay down in her bed, Amelia returned next to me on my mattress. I could feel my face warm up, and heat pooled into my stomach at the thought of sleeping next to her. It would be extremely difficult to restrain myself when she was fucking right there.
She pulled the covers over herself and reached out to turn off the light. Spots speckled my vision as I tried to adjust to the sudden darkness. Soon, I could see the outline of Amelia in the black. "This is okay, right?" she asked softly. I nodded quickly.
"Um, yeah. It's fine."
She breathed out a sigh as if relieved. As if I would ever say no to Amelia. After taking off her glasses, she laid her head on my pillow and stared at me. Her blue eyes were hypnotic, seeming to see right through me. Amelia's curly hair fanned out across the pillow and tickled my nose. I gravitated closer to her, wanting to feel her. To have some sort of contact with the girl I was so madly in love with. Somehow, our legs tangled together and our hands eventually found each other. Her thigh pressed up between my legs as she tried to get comfortable, and it took everything I had not to groan. She didn't mean to have that sort of impact on me, I was sure. She was too immature. I tried to take my focus off of the pressure and screwed my eyes shut.
"Ally?" she whispered. I hummed in response. "Ally, can I.. can I ask you something?"
"You just did," I murmured.
"I'm serious, Ally. I need to know." I opened my eyes again. She looked nervous. "Did you... Do you love Francine?" I frowned. The thought of having any sort of romantic feelings towards Fran seemed absolutely impossible to me, but by the look on Amelia's face, she had obviously thought a lot about the subject.
"No. I didn't, and I still don't," I said firmly. "She's one of my best friends, but I could never be in love with her."
Amelia nodded a little. "Okay."
"I'm serious, Amelia."
"No, I know." She smiled and squeezed my hands tight. "I'm just... really glad."
"That I don't love Fran?" I blinked in confusion. "Why does it even matter?"
"Because.." Amelia paused and kissed me chastely on the lips. "Hey, I'm really tired, Ally. I'm gonna go to sleep." She closed her eyes, but Amelia still fidgeted a little. Why couldn't she just tell me why she cared so much about me and Fran? It wasn't like our relationship was affected by how I might have felt about Fran.
Right?
"Goodnight, Amelia," I settled on saying instead. My conflicting thoughts were too jumbled to make any sort of sense of the mess going on. It could wait for another day. After all, I had already waited for years to be with her. One more day wouldn't kill me, however much it felt like it. My eyelids were growing heavy.
"G'night, Alice."
~•~•~•~
Amelia kicked a rock in front of her as we walked along the sidewalk.
"Stop doing that," I said after the third time she had hit me with a small stone.
"No."
I glared at her, and she just smiled cheekily back at me.
My roommate had insisted on walking me to my new workplace ("C'mon Alice! There's a bunch of freaks out there! You need me to beat up anyone that might, like, mug you or whatever!"), and I was secretly thrilled that she wanted to willingly spend more time with me. Every now and then, I snuck a glance over at Amelia. Her hair was pulled up into a ponytail and her shorts left little to the imagination. I had to keep myself from staring at her thick thighs for too long. I would never wear anything that revealed as much skin as Amelia, but she was confident in herself and I was just... scrawny and didn't care much for my looks in my jeans and t-shirt.
"So," Amelia said. "Lud actually gave you a job? I can't believe he wants to be stuck with you in a stuffy little shoppe all day."
I would love to be stuck with you in a shoppe all day, my mind screamed. "Maybe because I don't complain about working and then ditch to hide in McDonald's and eat all their shit."
"Ouch. That really hurt, y'know?" She smiled and bumped her hip against mine. "Mickey D's is quality food, by the way. You're just too British to pull your head out of your ass and see for yourself."
"Being British has nothing to do with it, Amelia," I said, rolling my eyes. "I could be from a country where all they eat is dog shit and I still wouldn't like McDonald's."
Amelia laughed, tossing her head back. She always looked gorgeous when she was laughing. Not that obnoxious, sarcastic laughter, but genuine and filled with happiness. "I'd love to see that!" She said, her words broken apart by giggles.
We walked the rest of the way in a comfortable silence, our arms hooked together. I wanted to hold hands, but considering we weren't even dating and there were already enough people giving us strange looks, having our shoulders and biceps touching would have to do.
Ludwig's shoppe came into view soon enough, the large sign over the door proclaiming his last name in yellow, cursive font. Even from this far away, I could see him talking to Gil and Maddie about something. I smiled. Ludwig absolutely adored Maddie ever since she and Gillian started dating. He knew they were perfect for each other and immediately accepted Maddie in like she was his own sister. She frequently had dinner with Ludwig and Gil's family. They were open minded people that didn't mind if their oldest child was lesbian as long as she was happy.
My stomach clenched when I saw Gil wrap her arms around Maddie and lay her head on her shoulder. I wanted that. The comfort of having a significant other...
Amelia...
Amelia stopped by the corner of the sidewalk and pressed the button on the stoplight to let us cross the road. As we waited, she looked down at me and asked, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"It has to be something. Your eyebrows are all scrunched together." I blinked and tried to relax my face. Amelia rolled her eyes. "They still are, dude." She reached up with her free hand and brushed my hair away from my face before running her thumb across my eyebrow. I stiffened and stared at her, my eyes wide. To so willingly just touch me in public when so many people could judge us... And we weren't even together.
There was nothing wrong with me, but with Amelia...
She leaned down as if to kiss me, but as soon as our lips brushed together, the stoplight beeped and signalled us to go. Amelia sighed and stood up straight again. "I must've done something right...you aren't frowning anymore," she said before dragging me along as she ran across the road. My arm slipped away from hers, but Amelia quickly grabbed my hand and we jumped the curb just seconds before the light changes.
"You're insane," I breathed, putting my hands on her arms. "You didn't give me any warning that you were going to sprint in front of traffic like... like a bloody maniac."
Amelia grinned. "You just gotta keep up, man." She spun on her heel and jogged up to the door of the shoppe before I could say anything else. I rolled my eyes and followed behind her more slowly. Of course I had to fall in love with an idiot.
I reached out to grab the door handle, but Amelia immediately opened the glass door as soon as I walked up. When I looked up to ask her why she did it, Amelia just shrugged and said, "I just have to, okay? Go on in."
My cheeks flushed at her random gesture of kindness, but I obliged without a word and walked into the store, hearing the chime of the doorbell as I entered the air conditioned building.
"Hello, Alice," Ludwig greeted. He was leaning forward with his elbows on the front counter as he talked to Maddie and his sister. "Did you bring the forms?"
"Ah, yeah." I went through my pockets until I found the folded up papers. I slid them across the counter. "They're all filled out. Sorry if they got a little wrinkled.."
"It's fine." By the look on his face, it obviously was not fine, but since Maddie was there to back me up, he didn't argue. Ludwig scanned the papers and nodded. "Looks good. You're all set."
Amelia smiled down at me. "So you get to work at Luddy's store now?" she asked. She rested her hand gently on my back, sending tingles all the way up my spine.
"Yeah," I said dumbly.
Maddie looked pleased and exchanged a look with her girlfriend. They both grinned. Probably planning something. It was best I didn't think too hard about it.
"That's cool." Amelia danced over to the counter and leaned forward so that she was eye-level with her friend. "How goes it, Ludwig my man? How're you and the bae? Proposed yet?"
He blushed and rubbed his cheek with his hand. "No. We've only been dating a few months, Amelia."
They struck up idle chitchat about Ludwig and whatever girl he was dating. Apparently, it was some peppy little Italian girl that he had met one day when she went in his shop to find her grandfather a vintage meat grinder he never stopped talking about. I stopped listening after that point. I didn't care much for romance. It just reminded me of what I didn't have. Could never have.
I touched Maddie on the shoulder. "Hey," I greeted quietly so that I didn't interrupt Amelia's conversation.
"Hey," she replied with a relaxed smile. "Good day with Ames?"
"Yeah," I murmured, watching Amelia talk. She was super animated, waving her arms as she talked and raising her voice when she was trying to make a point. I couldn't help but smile. Amelia had a bright grin on her face when she talked to Ludwig. I hoped that, one day, I could get her to look like that when we were together. "She looks really nice today."
"Mm... You should tell her that." Maddie tapped her foot as she waited for my reply. "Since, you know, she's head over heels for you, too."
"As if." I lightly pushed her and shook my head.
Gil snorted. "You two are seriously the most oblivious people ever."
I shot her a look before turning back to Maddie. "Hey, do you know where the restrooms are?" She pointed to the back right of the shoppe. I thanked her and walked away, leaving the four of them to their own little conversation.
After I did my thing, I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face. So much had happened in such a short amount of time, I felt like I was losing control. My life was slipping out of my hands and moulding into something I never thought possible. When I was little, never would I have imagined being in love with a girl with a smile as bright as the sun on a cloudless day and eyes more beautiful then anything I'd ever seen.
I took in a deep breath and looked up into my own eyes. They were just green. Amelia's were just blue, sure, but they had little navy blue flecks and the light always bounced off her irises effortlessly. Mine were just... green. Not even a special green. Just the generic green that pops up in your head at the word "green."
I shook my head and pushed my bangs out of my face before resting my forehead on the cool glass. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to relax for the first time in what seemed like an eternity.
"...About Alice?"
I stiffened at the sound of my name.
"What about..."
I grabbed a few paper towels to dry off my face before creeping over to the door, resting my ear against the wood.
"I mean, how is she?" I heard Maddie say. It was hard to hear her voice clearly when she talked so soft. Quickly, I stepped out of the bathroom and hid behind a shelf with numerous shapes and sizes of old rotary phones on display. Hopefully they hadn't seen me so I could see why exactly I was being talked about.
"She's, y'know, Alice," Amelia said.
"Wow, really?" Gil said sarcastically.
"What do you want me to say? I'm so sorry I can't report anything super unusual about my roommate. She didn't grow, like, antennae or anything."
"Obviously," Maddie grumbled.
"We mean how is your relationship," Ludwig explained before they could start arguing. "Is everything well?"
I sucked in a breath and strained to listen to them, trying to block out any distracting noise."
"I mean.. yeah," Amelia said, confusion lacing her voice. "I dunno. She just seems spacey, as usual." Spacey? I wasn't spacey! I was thoughtful! Two different things. "She looks really nice today, though."
I blinked.
I what?
I was wearing a fucking band shirt I had gotten at some dumb concert three years back! How was that nice?
"You think?" Maddie prodded. I could hear the smile in her voice.
"I mean," Amelia sighed. "She always looks good. I can't compete with her or anything."
I covered my face as I felt my cheeks grow warm. This wasn't happening. They had to be setting me up. Right? But... Maddie would never do that to me.
"It's funny since she literally just told me that you looked nice, too," Maddie retorted. I had to bite my lip so that I couldn't yell at her. Who gave her the right to tell Amelia something that was obviously extremely private?
"Sure," Amelia said, much to my surprise, sarcastically. "I'm positive that she's sooo in love with some stupid cheerleader with frizzy hair and big thighs."
I am, I thought.
"She is," Gil moaned. I heard a thud as she slammed her head against, presumably, the counter. "You are both so annoying! How can you not see it?"
"It's nice that you're trying to set us up together. Really, it is, but Alice is seriously not in love with me, okay? Just stop trying to lead me on."
I lifted my head up. She really thought that?
"You read through her journal, right?" Ludwig asked. "Did she mention loving you in there?"
"It.. Yeah..." Amelia trailed off. "But it.. it's an old diary! She probably doesn't like me like that anymore!"
Why do you care? I wondered. A small part of me told me that there was meaning hidden in Amelia's words. I pushed the thought away.
"Amelia," Maddie said. "You aren't being sensible. I know that you and Alice have done stuff together that you won't tell me." My stomach lurched. That was private! "You wanna admit it? I'm sure she's showed her feelings fifty times since you've moved in together."
Amelia stayed silent for a few seconds before responding. "We hold hands. And kiss. Not always on the lips, but sometimes... And we've slept together- no, not like that- twice, including last night."
Silence.
"Christ, you are a moron," Gil muttered.
Amelia didn't reply.
"Amy," Maddie started.
"No," Amelia interrupted. "No, I can't tell her, okay? I can never tell Alice. I can't ruin what I've just starting building with her. And she deserves a million times better than me. God," I heard something slide and then a thump. Amelia had sat on the ground with her back to the counter. "I've fucked up my whole life, haven't I?"
"You have a chance, Ames," Maddie comforted. "You're only in high school. You have a chance to be with Alice and date her for so many more years."
"College," Amelia whispered. "What am I going to do in college? She's going to meet a pretty girl and.. and I'm..."
"Tell her," Gil hissed.
Tell me what?
"I can't," Amelia argued.
"Why not?" Ludwig asked.
"Because I fucking can't. I try so hard to be someone she can rely on and I'm too much of an idiot to tell her how I feel, okay? Happy?"
"Amelia-" Maddie sighed.
"I'm in love with Alice Kirkland!" Amelia snapped. "Okay? Good enough? I'm in love with my roommate!"
I covered my mouth and sank to the ground.
What?
What?
"Amy," Maddie repeated. "You're being really loud."
"Who cares?!" Amelia groaned audibly. "I can't fucking do it, Mads. I'm a failure. I want to brave and I can't even tell the girl I'm in love with that I want to be with her."
I stared at the ground and bit into my finger to keep from saying anything.
It was a lie.
It had to be.
I stumbled to get up and made my way back to where the bathroom was, trailing my hand along to wall to keep myself standing.
None of it could be real. Not when I had been tearing myself up for so long. Not when..
It just couldn't be true.
I leaned against the wall beside the restroom door for a few seconds to try and regain some composure before I dragged myself over to the front counter. Amelia was still on the floor, but jumped up when she saw me. "Hey, Alice! You were taking forever, dude!" She paused for a moment and frowned. "Ally, you're really pale.. Are you okay?"
I nodded feebly. "Y-Yeah, just, really dizzy."
Maddie looked worried and turned to Ludwig. "Do you have any water or something?"
Amelia took my hands and guided me down to sit on the floor with her. "Alice, hey, try to stay awake, okay?" She smiled nervously and stroked my cheek with the back of her hand. "You took a really long time in the bathroom. What was up?"
"Nothing," I said.
She loves me.
No, she couldn't.
But she...
"Nothing," I repeated.
"Okay..." Amelia pressed her hand against my forehead. "Mads, she's super hot, too. Should she go to the doctor?"
"I'm fine," I said. I was most certainly not fine.
"Uh, I don't know yet." Amelia's twin appeared in my view. Maddie got onto her knees and handed me one of those little water bottles that every get together and work office had stocked. "Alice, you gotta drink this, okay?"
I nodded slowly. My hands fumbled to open the cap and Amelia grabbed the bottle from me to uncap it for me. She gently took my face and put the rim of the bottle to my lips. "Drink," she commanded. I took a few sips before pushing her away. "Alice-"
"I'm fine," I repeated.
"What is wrong with you?" Amelia asked, sounding frustrated. "You leave for like ten minutes and suddenly you're acting all-"
I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her into a rough kiss, smashing our lips together. Surely if she wasn't actually in love with me she would immediately push me away, right?
Amelia put her hands on my hips and tilted her head to get some leverage on the kiss, a gasp leaving her mouth when my tongue traced her lips.
Well, fuck.
"Guys!" Maddie snapped, pushing Amelia away from me. "Stop it! Alice, you are seriously dehydrated or something. God, I wish I had taken those stupid health classes in middle school. Just.. Lay down for a few minutes."
Amelia's eyes were huge and her cheeks were pink. For the first time, I could place the emotion on her face when she broke away from the kiss.
Hunger.
I shivered.
"Okay," I said softly. I guided myself down onto the cool tile, closing my eyes and trying to calm down.
Amelia actually loved me. It wasn't a dream. The teasing and the kisses and the hand holding wasn't just some weird way of Amelia trying to be friends. It was real.
My eyes flew open.
Amelia stayed on the ground beside me, looking up at her sister worriedly. "Doctor?" She asked again.
"I don't know. Maybe," Maddie said. She turned to Ludwig. "I am so sorry about all of this. I didn't-"
"It's alright," he reassured. "You couldn't have planned any of this."
Maddie smiled sheepishly and nodded.
Amelia focused her attention back to me. "Feeling better?" she asked. I lifted a shoulder half-heartlessly. Amelia ran her fingers through my hair, a concerned look taking over her face.
"Don't frown like that," I said weakly.
She smiled and rolled her eyes. "Your last words are gonna be an insult, I swear to god." Amelia lifted my head slowly and rested it in her lap. "Relax for a bit, Ally." I closed my eyes and nestled into the fabric of her shorts.
I loved Amelia Jones.
And...
Amelia Jones loved me.