Ready? Not Really.. (Fem USUK) •IN EDITING•

Amelia

I don't remember much after I left Alice alone on the bleachers.
I couldn't look over my shoulder at her. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why would I hold her hand or lean into her when it already took every single fibre of my being not to confess that I didn't hate her and instead, had the biggest crush ever on her?
Who knows.
I still had her jacket on. It barely fit since she was so small, but I wasn't letting go of it anytime soon. I rejoined the group of cheerleaders in the centre of the field. They were discussing song choices with a few band kids for their next routine.
"But what if we do this one?" One girl argued, playing some popular rap song out loud. One of the band kids, Rosalind, looked extremely annoyed.
"We don't have a trashy rap artist to accompany us, Stephanie," she said angrily, clenching her fists and wrinkling the sheet music in her hands.
I couldn't believe I left Alice to deal with this garbage.
Stephanie crossed her arms. "Well maybe you guys should actually play something good for once instead of just blowing a couple of noisy horns." Rosalind's eyes widened, and it looked like she was about to punch the former girl. I quickly stepped between them.
"Woooah guys, chill out," I said. My voice was trembling a little bit from the anxiety when I was super close to kissing Alice. Curse you, teenage insecurity! "Steph, you know we can't play that song, anyways. It mentions sex and drugs, like, fifteen times."
Stephanie raised her eyebrows at me. "No one would care, Ames."
Another cheerleader, Jess, I think, looked concerned. "I agree with Amy," she said quietly. She never really talked much, and Stephanie whirled to face the shorter girl. "We should pick a song that the band can actually play. It must be hard to have so many brass and woodwind instruments playing at once."
Steph glared at her. "Do you care more about the band or the routine, Jessica? Because it seems like you don't care at all about your actual team."
Jess looked mortified. "I just.."
"You just what?" Stephanie snapped. She faced Rosalind again. "Play whatever the hell you want, then. Just tell me after school. And don't make it lame!" Stephanie stomped away, meeting up with a few friends by the football goal at the end of the field. Rosalind looked furious. She muttered a 'thanks' to Jess before walking over to the rest of the band.
I looked over at Jess. She still looked a little shaken. "You alright?" I asked slowly. She nodded.
"Yeah.. yeah." Jess smiled gratefully at me. "It's fine. Stephanie is just stressed, I'm sure. She's never acted like that before."
My gaze shifted across the field to where Stephanie was talking to her teammates. She was tense, and even with her back turned she looked pissed. "I guess."
I felt a hand on my arm and looked down. Jess had her head tilted. "Who were you talking to on the bleachers?"
Immediately I went into a panic. No one was supposed to know I liked Alice! I'd lose my team's respect if they knew I had a crush on a girl. They'd never let me in the locker room or let me hug them or anything! "She.. she's no one!" I spluttered. Wow. Super convincing, Amelia. "She's just a friend, y'know? Like, we do friendy stuff! Yeah!"
Jess raised her eyebrows. "Like holding hands and trying to kiss each other?"
My stomach dropped, and I wished I were anywhere but there. "I.."
"It's fine, Amelia," Jess interrupted, holding out her hands. "I don't care. I won't judge. My uncle is dating a man. I get it."
I sighed in relief. "Really?"
She nodded and shrugged. "It's just how it is."
"Well," I started. "I don't like girls, okay? I'm not lesbian."
Jess frowned. "But..?"
"I know, I know." I rubbed my face. "I.. I just happened to fall in love with one girl. That doesn't make me lesbian or anything. I still think guys are hot. She's just.." I tried to think of a word. "Hotter."
Jess giggled and shook her head. "Whatever you say." She looked around then back at me. "Your secret is safe with me, okay?" she whispered.
I nodded and smiled slightly. "You're an angel," I whispered back.
She just smiled more and started to walk away. "Go talk to her!" she shouted over her shoulder.
I waved her off.
No way I was throwing myself back into that awkward situation.
~•~•~•~
I met up with Maddie after practice.
She seemed pretty happy with her attempt to set me up with my big fat crush, even if it almost destroyed my self-confidence. Her arms were crossed and a smug smile was spread across her face.
"So, when's the wedding?" she asked. I glared at her.
"That joke still isn't funny."
"But it went well?" I walked past her, and she immediately followed behind me, matching my step perfectly. Sometimes I actually understood how people mixed us up.
Alice never did, though.
I smiled a little. "Yeah, sorta."
"Sorta?" she sighed. "Please don't tell me you two started arguing again."
I rolled my eyes. "Have a little faith, sis. No we didn't fight, but.."
"But?" her eyebrows raised.
"We.. sorta held hands." I looked away, my face burning. It was always so awkward talking about love out loud. "Like, yeah. And I almost leaned in to kiss her. Almost."
"Oh my god." Maddie's eyes were huge.
"Yeah," I said weakly. I rubbed my arm. "Is it normal to feel like you're going to throw up when you hold hands with your crush?"
Maddie blinked a few times, still looking absolutely astonished. "Uh, I.. it's normal. Uh huh." She shook her head. "Did you really though?"
I groaned and covered my face. "Yes! I totally freaked her out though! And then someone yelled and I just ran away.. she probably thinks I'm an idiot.."
My sister punched my shoulder. I glanced up at her. A smile was on her face. "I bet she doesn't," she said, singsongy.
I shrugged. "I dunno."
"Ames." She pushed against me. "Trust me on this. I bet she's just as psyched as you."
I wasn't so sure, but I didn't bother arguing.
"I held her hand," I murmured. It was still super surprising to me, too. Like, I'd liked this girl for such a long time and now..
Woah.
"Yeah you did," Maddie said. She laughed, and I couldn't help but join in with her.
We trudged along back to my dorm, chatting about nothing in particular.
My thoughts were racing faster than I could comprehend. Maddie seemed to notice, and didn't bring up Ally again for a while. I was grateful.
Well, grateful for a little while.
"Hey, you know," Maddie started. I raised my eyebrows. "Alice never actually found her journal."
My stomach dropped.
Fuck.
Fuck.
"No?" I said, trying to act nonchalant. I usually really sucked at lying, but I was sure I could be convincing if I tried hard enough. "Where'd you think it went?"
"I'm not that sure," Maddie sighed. "She's still stressed about it."
"That sucks." I stuck my hands in my pockets, hoping it wasn't too obvious that they were sweating. A lot.
"Yeah.." she frowned.
"What's in it that's so important?" I asked. Please don't sound suspicious, please don't sound suspicious..
Maddie shook her head. "I haven't ever read it since she refused to ever let me touch it, but I assume she'd poured out her heart and soul into it." I felt nauseous. "She would freak out if anyone read through it."
"Maybe a janitor swept it up and threw it away?" I suggested.
Not like it was wedged between my mattress and my bed back in my dorm.
Not at all.
"Maybe," Maddie agreed, still looking concerned. "I looked over her shoulder once when she was writing in it.. she talked a lot about her crush in it." I swallowed heavily. "That's you, you dork."
"Sure it is."
She shot me a look. "One day you two will be together and you'll look back and think, 'Man, we should've listened to Maddie the whole freaking time.'"
I sighed. "I wish we were together now."
"Gotta pay the prices for your actions, sis." Maddie hooked her arm through mine. I still felt horrible.
Alice probably went to bed every night worrying that someone got ahold of her book when, really, I still had it. Okay, sure, technically I was a dick for keeping it all this time, but now it was a little too late to just show up at her doorstep with it and expect praise and pats on the back.
Not like I'd ever share it with anyone.
I couldn't even totally handle it myself.
All my feelings when I read it were a jumbled up, confusing mess. I could see in her literal loopy handwriting that she liked me, but..
I just couldn't grasp that she could possibly be attracted to me when I was such a douche. And if she was, god I hoped so, she'd probably be super disappointed when she got to know me better. I mean, I wasn't that great. She was beautiful and funny and successful and had a hell of a nice body and I just..
Well, to put it into perspective, I just sat in my room all weekend eating ice cream and playing Animal Crossing. There's no way I would ever be able to keep her attention.
"I really love her, Mads," I said quietly. She looked at me and smiled slightly. I felt her arm around my shoulders.
"I know. I know, Amelia. And I really think you two could work." She glanced at me again and tilted her head. "Wait, are you wearing her jacket?"
I groaned. "Fuck!"
"Oh my god! Amelia! That is so sweet!"
"It doesn't even fit me! I'm too fat!"
"Shut the fuck up! That is so adorable!"