This is forever

what do i see in myself when im looking up at you

Everybody has been in detroit for a day, and myra is slowly dying. this is still so unreal to me, sean & brett are planning the funreal with james, the kids are spending every last sec with myra, and im taking pics left & right with the poloard camera. "Mommy i wanna go to the zoo" ailani said, "uhm we will when we get home babe" i said looking at myra, "but grandma is gonna be dead by then" ailani said. "Ailani!. Just go play with your toys ok?" I said in shock of what she just said, "okay" she said as she walked away, i seen tears in myras eyes, "im not gonna see my grandbabies grow up" i then lost it. "Myra yes you will. You will be watching down on them, and they know you will be watching them" i said. "Its not the same" myra said looking out the window, "i know, its not fair. life is not fair, but we love you, and everything is gonna be okay" i said.

"Its gonna be okay"

A few hours later and myra is sleeping, her heart rate is suddenly extreamly fast, and her blood pressure is thru the roof. myra woke up in pain, wincing, "mom its okay were right here" sean said grabbing her hand, the docters then came in, "all of her levels are unsteady. shes in respatary care, she doesnt have much time" the docters said as we all begain sheading tears. "Mom i love you, i love you so much" sean said as he cried kissing her hand, "i know baby. I love you too" myra said smiling weakly, "ill be always be with you sean, always. Brett you too, there wont be a time im not with you guys i promise. Just make me proud, and dont cry. Ill be just fine. I love you boys, mama loves you" myra said. "We love you too mom" brett said crying. "Ariana" myra said, "yes" i said crying, "i love you. Thank you for making my son happy, and giving me 2 beautiful grandchildren. I will forever cherish my meromies that i had with you" myra said, "i love you so much please dont go" i said balling my eyes out holding her, "i have togo baby" myra said soothing my back, "no dont go, dont leave us" i said holding her tighter, "ill be fine baby, so will you" myra said, "no if you leave we will never be fine" i said. "Grandma!!" Ailani said crying running on her lap, "hi baby, ailani never forget how much grandma loves you" myra said smilling corrosing ailanis red face. "Grandma dont go" ailani said pulling on myras hostipal robe, "i dont want to baby, but god wants me home. Ill be healthy, and happy, and ill be with you everyday smiling" myra said, "grandma, but i want to play with you on the swing set" ailani said "and i wanna hug you and kiss you" ailani said, "hug and kiss me now baby" myra said crying. We all then surrounded the bed, and cried, and cried. awhile later, myra then began to shut her eyes, "i cant keep my eyes open" she said lightly sean grabbed her hand, "mom i love you" sean said, "i love you too" she said as she squeezed Sean's hand. A few moments later, a machine went off and her breathing line went flat, she was gone... "NOOOOO!!!! MOM MOM MOM!!!!" sean said grabbing her holding her as tight as he could, i then dropped to my knees, its like this time stood still, and everything went mute like something you would see in a movie i just screamed. brett dropped to his knees on the side of the bed and grabbed her leg and cried. "Baby its okay" i said turning sean over, he then grabbed me and squeezed me as tight as he could and cried in my neck, "shes gone baby, shes really gone" sean said, "i know baby" i said as i cried probaly harder then anyone in the room. A few hours later we went to seans childhood home, and went thru myras things, to get ready for the funreal...

48 hours later

Today is the day no one is looking forword to, myras funreal. I streghtened ailanis hair and put it half up half down, shes in a black dress with a white button up over shirt. Nohlan is in a dark purple tux to match seans, im wearing a black pants, with a white button up over shirt with black pumps. My hair is streghtened and down, im wearing conceiler, lipstick, mascara, eye liner and eye shawdow. everyone is depressed, i think sean is taking it the hardest, weve been crying all night, im so sleep & cry deprived. "baby, we just gotta get thru this day, be strong, for your mom" i said lifting his chin up, "i will if you will. I love you" sean said kissing me passionatly, "i love you too honey" i said smiling weakly. We then got to the funreal home, and james brett and sean carried myra in and opened the casket. We immidantly began crying. as everyone sat down, sean then went up to say some words.

"hi everybody, thank you for showing up for my mom i respect yall. Today is proably the hardest day i ever have to face in my entire life. My mom is gone, shes been with me for 30 years, and now shes just gone. I have been a complete mess the past 3 weeks, 3 weeks ago i was at my home in calfornia with my beautiful wife & children, getting ready for my family to come and vist. We were so excited, we had the whole week planned to just have some down time with my family. They landed, we got situated, we got dinner made my mom was all laughs playing with the kids outside along with me and ari. And it was perfect, at that very time, every secound was perfect. We ate dinner, had hot fudge sundaes for dessert, we put the kids to bed, and we all talked and exchanged happy meormies. We then went to bed, and at 5 am, my mom got sick puking for the 2 nd time, thats when she told me everything. She had anal cancer, shes been diagnosed for a week before she told me. Soon as we found out, we went to go get her chemo, and everything went down hill from there. It spread quickly, she lost weight & hair, she was in pain 24/7 dying slowly and i was in pain too. I was shutting everything out. I didnt know how to react. Anal cancer killed her in a month. cherish everything, every secound, min, hour, day, year, forever. Never let a moment pass by" sean said with teary eyes as everyone cried. I then sang myras favorite song in her honor, as a slideshow played by.

Life it's hard, I know
All your lights are red, but I'm green to go
Used to see you high, now you're only low
All your lights are red but I'm green to go

I want you
I'll colour me blue
Anything it takes to make you stay
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you
I want you
I'll colour me blue
Anything it takes to make you stay
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you

I can't say no
Though the lights are on
There's nobody home
Swore I'd never lose control
Then I fell in love with a heart that beats so slow

I want you
I'll colour me blue
Anything it takes to make you stay
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you
I want you
I'll colour me blue
Anything it takes to make you stay
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you

I know you're seeing black and white
So I'll paint you a clear blue sky
Without you I am colour-blind
It's raining every time I open my eyes
I know you're seeing black and white
So I'll paint you a clear blue sky
Without you I am colour-blind
It's raining every time I open my eyes

I want you
I'll colour me blue
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you
When I'm looking up at you

I want you
I'll colour me blue
Anything it takes to make you stay
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you
I want you
I'll colour me blue
Anything it takes to make you stay
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you

I want you
I'll colour me blue
Anything it takes to make you stay
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you

The day went, bye of saying goodbye to myra. The hardest day we could we ever faced.