5 Seconds Of Summer Imagines |Complete|

Luke || Calum

I want to get back to where we started.  I want to be able to hold you once more. The days turned into years and i have never been so smothered in regret. I have never wanted to hurt you, i never wanted to make you feel like you didn't have anyone.  But i did the opposite, i left you when you needed me the most. I wanted to apologize and come back, i wanted to fix everything and make you happy. But i wasn't happy. I know that is a shitty thing to say to someone that you were with for a few years.  In all honesty it is the truth, i wasn't happy and it wasn't you.  You were perfect in every way.  I just didn't have enough emotion to do it anymore, i was trying.  Things were fun in the beginning but as months changed and the relationship took more twists and turns.  I realized that i had lost interest in the idea of us being together.  

We went from the honeymoon phase to being a cranky old couple. I want to start over and maybe put as much effort as i did in the beginning in the end.  I had gave up halfway through i never cared what you did or what you even wanted from me. I want a restart but i know that you are so hurt that there is no chance for that.  I have made mistakes, Ashton was one.  But with that small mistake i knew that there was no one else for me.  That i has always been you.  But i know that hatred you feel for me, i have seen the rants on twitter.  As well as the videos you telling everyone that i was just a bastard. 

You aren't wrong, i am a bastard and so many more worse things.  I was an awful person, no matter how much you cried and begged for me to stay i just didn't.  I knew that day and days after were hard for you.  I heard you stayed in our old shared apartment for months, begging friends to bring you food as you didn't want to face the outside world.  I never imagined i meant that much to you.  I never imagined that i would hurt you that bad, i expected you to move on to find someone that would treat you better than i ever did.  But as i hear now you still are single and seeing a therapist. 

That is the one fact that hurt me the most, i had caused you to seek help.  I have damaged you beyond repair.  When i heard that i cried, i cried for the first time in years.  I never wanted to be that person.  The person that hurts people so bad they need to get help, they need someone to help them see the light of life.  I knew you tried suicide, i knew that was the first option you created for yourself. You don't understand how grateful i am that you didn't off yourself. I would never been able to live with myself.  Because i know that i was the reason and if you left this Earth i would be right behind you. 

I fucked up, i can admit that.  I know that i am the reason you are where you are now.  If you would even place me on the list i would rush over to see you.  I would be there everyday, but i know you don't want to see me.  Who wants to see the person that led them to be where they are? I know that if i were you that i would be the last person i wanted to see. I don't blame you, i really don't.  I am not angry with all the things you have said about me as well as what others have said about me.  Because it is all true, i am the worst human being in the world and i deserve horrid things to happen to me.  But i deserve those things because i hurt you, i hurt the one person that meant the world to me. 

You will always be the one for me, even though i had left because i only cared about myself.  I should have worked things out.  I should have done something.  As i write this the tears keep streaming down my face.  I never wanted this to happen i thought i was doing what was best for you.  Best for you to find someone who cared.  But it took me leaving to realize i cared, i cared so much and i never wanted anything else.  I never wanted anyone else than you.  All the mistakes were trying to fill the void i made.  I wanted them to be you, to always be you.  But they were far from it.  No one will ever replace you Calum.  No one will replace the space in my heart that is reserved for only you. 

I love you Calum Thomas Hood. Only you baby. 

I hope they let you have this letter, as well as i hope you will let me visit you.  I want to get back to where we started, just you and me. So please consider. Talk to you soon, i hope...

Love, 

Luke The Fuck Up Hemmings.