Let's Not Talk About Tomorow

Untitled Part 78

"Jake?" I snapped out of my trance and looked up at Dad and Papa "Are you alright?"

"Yeah" I mumbled, stabbing a chip a little too harshly with my fork "I'm fine"

"You don't look fine, is something wrong?"

"It's just that it's my sisters birthday today" He opened his mouth "I don't want to talk about it. Can I please go to my room?"

"Jake-"

"Sure, honey" Papa interrupted "Do you want us to put your plate in the oven for later?"

"No, I'm okay"

"Shout us if you need anything" I nodded and hurriedly left the kitchen, darting up to my room so I could cry in peace.

I lifted up my mattress and retrieved a piece of paper, folded precisely. Ever so carefully, ensuring I would not rip it, I unfolded it and allowed my eyes to settle on the scrawly handwriting. My vision was so blurry, I couldn't make out the words but I knew it off by heart anyway.

To Jake

This is for you. You're the only one that will find it. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I know that when you find me, Daddy is going to be mad and he'll blame Mummy but you look out for yourself because you don't know what Daddy's like when he's mad. And if you're reading this note, I can't protect you from him anymore. I'm sorry I had to do this but I can't take it anymore, Jake. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to eat, I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to sleep. So I'm going to. Forever.

Why? I'm a coward, Jake. You remember those marks on my wrists? I put them there myself because I'm a fucking coward. That is the first and last time I'll ever swear. I just want it to be over. If this is what it takes for their sick, twisted game to be over then I am more then willing to take it. I'm letting them win because I'm weak. I'm letting them win because it's the easy way out. Don't you ever do what I did, Jake. You're not a coward like me. You're the bravest person I know.

I understand you're probably mad and you have every right to be. I'm supposed to be your big sister. I'm supposed to look out for you and be there for you when you need me and now I'm gone. I'm so sorry.

Don't you ever think about doing what I did. If anyone deserves to live, it's you. If anyone ever bullies you or makes you feel worthless, you stand up for yourself and you put them back in their place. No one messes with my little brother and if they do, I'll haunt them. I promise. You fight for what you believe in and it'll all pay off in the end.

Don't be afraid to ask for help or to stand up for yourself. Again, I am so, so sorry. I love you so much, Jake. Please, please stay alive for me.

Love Amy xxx

A knock on the door. I scrambled to fold the letter but I wasn't quick enough. Papa entered my room, softly closing the door behind him before sitting down on the bed beside me. He wrapped an arm around my waist and kissed my damp cheek. He offered me a tissue, which I gladly accepted.

"Is that her suicide note?" Papa asked softly, indicating towards the paper in my hand. I nodded, resting my head on his shoulder. "Oh, baby, I know how much you hate it when people say this but I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know nothing I say will change anything but I promise you, you won't ever have to go through that again. I'm sorry for being so selfish, I'll never leave you. I promise"

"Papa, I love you" I choked out before before bursting into a fresh set of tears "S-she w-would have b-been 18 today, Papa"

"How old was she when she died?"

"S-seven" I pushed the note into Papa's hand

"Are you sure, baby? You've kept this hidden ever since we adopted you"

"I'm sure, Papa"

The room fell silent as Papa read through the note. He gave me a soft squeeze every now and then. He must have read it about 5 times now.

"She was an extremely smart 7 year old"

"Yeah, she got moved up a year, Papa. I used to make fun of the way she spoke because she sounded like the queen or something, prim and proper"

"Tell me about her"

"She looked like my mum, she was beautiful. She had fair skin but a small sprinkling of freckles on her cheeks. Her teeth were a little crooked, she was supposed to be getting braces a week after she died. Her hair was like a waterfall of white blonde. It reached down to her waist and my mum used to be obsessed with it. She was always fussing around, styling her hair in different ways. Amy hated it but she went along with it to please Mum. She had blue eyes, just like you, Papa. You remind me of her"

"Because of my eyes and scars?"

"Yeah but mainly because you remind me of what she could have been if she bothered to stick around"

"And what's that?"

"One of the best parents in the world"

"Awww, shucks" He blushed "Anyway, enough about me"

"We, uh, used to play dress up together and be princesses, clomping around in my mum's high heels" Papa burst into a fit of giggles, ruffling my hair fondly "She used to put makeup on me too"

"You think you had it bad?"Papa laughed "I have 5 sisters, every day was like America's Next Top Model"

"How the hell did you cope?"I chuckled

"What else did your sister do?"

"She liked to write poetry, every sentence she spoke was a rhyme. She never spoke, she almost sang every time she spoke. I tied to mimic her but I always tripped up on my words. Her vocabulary was always so advanced, I could never understand her. She teased me no end but I still loved her so much. I looked up to her so much. I never ever knew she got bullied until I found her dead. I wasn't completely oblivious, I saw her cuts and every time I asked her, she blamed the cat and I believed her-"

"Jake, you was only four-"

"We didn't even have a cat,Papa. I was just so desperate for everything to be okay, that when I found the razor blade covered in her blood, I ignored it! I pretended I had never seen it! I should have told my parents but I didn't! It's all my fault she's gone, Papa!"

"No, it's not! Don't you ever blame yourself for her suicide. She made that decision to take her own life, not you"

"But-"

"No, Jake. Listen to me, you are incredible, okay? I am so lucky to be able to say that you are my son. Anyone who has the privilege to have you in their life is luckier than that one person who actually wins the lottery jackpot. Why? Because you are priceless, Jake"

"Still didn't stop you attempting to kill yourself because you couldn't stand to look at my face"

"THAT'S NOT WHY, JAKE!" Papa yelled, standing up in front of me "I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I'M A COWARD! I'D RATHER DIE THAN BE REMINDED THAT I HURT MY BEAUTIFUL SON EVERY TIME I LOOK AT HIM! THAT'S WHY I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF!"

"Hey, hey, hey" Dad interrupted "What's going on?" I expected Papa to run out of the room but he didn't. He stood his ground, hands balled up into fists, his shoulders shaking slightly. "Baby?"

"No, don't touch me" Papa flinched as Dad reached out to touch him. Dad encased Papa in his arms, despite his protests "BEN, LET GO OF ME"

"Tell me what's got you all riled up"

"Dad-"

"Jake, I need to hear this from your papa, okay?"

 "Okay"