Let's Not Talk About Tomorow

Jon

"Papa, can I help?" Jake asked, leaning against the kitchen door. Our groceries had been delivered when I was in the middle of cooking dinner.

"That would be amazing" I sighed in relief "Will you put away the shopping?"

"Sure, Papa" He grabbed the nearest bag and looked inside

"Thank you, honey" I grabbed his face and planted a kiss on his forehead "I love you!"

"I love you too, Papa" He paused "I don't suppose Gabrielle could stay over tonight?" He asked in a sickly sweet tone, honey dripping off his tongue "Pleeeaassseeee?"

"I'm getting you a lock on your bedroom door" I sighed "Kids these days"

"Papa" Jake groaned "I just want to spend time with her"

"Uh huh"

"Papa, I'm serious! That medication is.... you know"

"Stopping you from getting erections?"

"Yeah..."

"Then why on earth on you inviting her round?" I asked curiously "You'e telling me you two aren't getting it on at every possible opportunity? I thought kids were more sexually driven nowadays?"

"Papa, she doesn't want to have sex with me"

"Why not?" I folded my arms and leaned against the counter "She a Christian or something? No sex before marriage? That kind of thing?"

"No, she.... she's just inexperienced, Papa. I'm her first boyfriend, kiss, orgasm-"

"Sorry?"

"I didn't mean to say that" I frowned "Papa, you were just enouraging me to have sex with her"

"I was... partly joking" Jake just rolled his eyes and resumed putting yogurts in the fridge "Hey, at least you'll treat her right and make it really special for her when you eventually do it"

"Why does every conversation I have with my parents have to revolve around sex?" Jake laughed

"I don't know, is it weird?" I grinned

"Nahhhh"

Our conversation died down to a comfortable silence. Jake bustled around the kitchen as I watched the pot bubble with cautious eyes.

"Papa, can I ask you something?" Jake said cautiously

"Sure, Jake" I stirred the sauce with a wooden spoon, watching how it folded over. "What is it?"

"Why did Dad get so mad earlier? When he grabbed you and pinned you against the wall?"

"Jake... I.... did something... that I'm not particularly proud of...." I bit my lip "When you hugged me, my shirt bunched up and your dad saw this" I lifted up the hem of my shirt just enough to reveal my newest scars. Jake's jaw dropped open, he couldn't even formulate a coherent response.

"Papa!" He eventually choked out, rushing forward to envelope me in his arms "Why?!"

"Jake, you don't understand" I mumbled into his chest, looping my arms around his waist and snuggling into his chest "I'm lonely and you know that your dad is the only person who can make me truly happy" He rested his chin on top of my head

"Why can't I make you happy?" He asked shakily

"You do, Jake! Just not in the same way. I love you so much and you make me really happy. I promise. Just seeing you smile and full of happiness makes my day. It's just you aren't Ben and even though I love you, it's not the same way I love Ben. You can't kiss me and shower me in compliments or do anything like that, well you could but it would be weird and probably illegal. You can't make me feel the same way"

"I know, Papa, it's just... why can't I be enough for you?"

"What are you talking about?!" I asked angrily "You ARE enough! If I only had you, I promise you would be enough for me-"

"Then why can't I be enough for you now? You only have me. Dad can't help you!"

"I DON'T WANT TO DUMP ALL MY PROBLEMS ON YOU, JAKE! YOU'RE JUST A KID! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR DAD! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK AFTER ME, JAKE! I TOLD BEN I COULD NEVER BE A DAD AND HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME! I AGREED TO ADOPT YOU BECAUSE I WAS STARTING TO BELIEVE HIM AND I WANTED HIM TO BE HAPPY! BEN WAS RIGHT! YOU MADE ME ONE OF THE HAPPIEST MEN IN THE WORLD! YOU CHANGED EVERYTHING FOR ME AND I THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE OKAY! BUT NOW BEN IS SICK AND I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S GOING TO LIVE TIL NEXT WEEK OR NEXT YEAR OR LIVE TO SEE YOUR CHILDREN, JAKE! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM! I'M TRYING SO HARD TO BE A DAD FOR YOU, JAKE! BECAUSE YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CAN LOOK AFTER YOU! I CAN'T BE YOUR DAD WITHOUT BEN! I KNOW THAT KILLING MYSELF WON'T SOLVE ANY PROBLEMS BUT AT LEAST I'M STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT SELF-HARM DOES! YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW MY PROBLEMS!" I pushed him off me "W-would y-you p-p-please w-watch the s-s-sauce?"

"S-sure, Papa" He said faintly

I burst out of the room and locked myself in the bathroom, sliding down the door with tears streaming down my face. I needed Ben. I needed him so fucking much. My fingers itched to hold the cool metal blade between my fingers. The very one that was screaming from the cupboard in front of me. I clamped my hands over my ears and rocked back and forth but it wouldn't go away! An awful, ear-piercing shriek chilled my bones and rang in my ears. My blood was burning beneath the broken canvas of my skin. I gave in to the scream that was clawing it's way out of my mouth. I screamed and screamed and screamed but the blade screamed louder. I couldn't drown it out....

I huddled closer to the source of warmth I was wrapped around. I was so, so cold. My face was damp but it wasn't until I fumbled to wipe it away that I realised they were my own tears. A gentle pair of hands stroked through my hair. I sighed in content.

"Baby, wake up" A soothing voice wriggled into my head. I groaned and snuggled closer to them. "Jon, wake up! It's me, Ben"

"Ben" I mumbled "Where were you? I needed you, why wan't you there?"

"I'm sorry" He whispered "I'm so fucking sorry. Does it hurt?"

"Hurt? W-what did I do?"

"You,.... don't remember?" He frowned

"N-no" He untangled my arms from around him and pulled up the hem of my shirt to reveal numerous white bandages wrapped around my torso and thighs "B-Benny, w-what did I do?"

"You had a fit, baby. You were screaming and punching walls and by the time I got there you'd cut yourself up pretty bad and the walls were practically painted with your blood. I thought you was going to die, baby" He tugged down my shirt and pulled me close to him again "I know you hate hospitals, luckily the paramedics said you could stay here because all you need is rest"

"What time is it?"

"6:30 in the morning, I haven't be able to sleep" He kissed me on the forehead "Jon, what do you remember exactly?"

"I was cooking and the shopping got delivered but Jake helped me out. We talked for a bit and then he asked me why he couldn't be good enough for me to happy. I shouted at him and ran away and that's everything, right? Apart from what you said. Is Jake awake? I want to tell him I'm sorry for yelling-"

"Jake's not here"