Let's Not Talk About Tomorow

Jake

A pair of footsteps. A knock on my cubicle door. I ignored it, maybe it'd go away. It didn't. Then a voice came. Such a familiar voice. One that knew all my secrets. All but one. One I could trust but right now it was the last thing I wanted to hear. Why can't you understand when you aren't wanted? I choked out a 'go away' and even opted for a 'fuck off' but he wouldn't go away.

"Jake, open the goddamn door or I'll get someone to unlock it" Dad sighed

"Fuck. Off" I said through clenched teeth

"Jake-"

"I don't want to talk to you" I interrupted "Leave me alone"

"I want to talk"

"Then talk"

"I want you to talk to me" He corrected "Jake, please open the door"

"Why? What's the point? You can't change anything, Dad! Nothing you say will make it better! I just want to be alone, okay?" I hid my face in my knees "No one knows about it, not even Mum knew. It was my fault, Dad. Just please fuck off"

"Jake, I want to help you"

"YOU CAN'T! YOU CAN'T FUCKING HELP ME!" I screamed "WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? IT'S IN THE PAST! IT'S OVER!" I opened the door and tried to escape but Dad grabbed me and held me close to him. I screamed, lashing out at him. I hated that I was hurting him but he didn't understand.

Dad wrestled me to the ground, holding me down with all his weight. Not that he had much left but it was enough. It was enough to stop my movements. It was enough to limit my options to screaming. Dad covered my mouth with his hand. I bit his finger but he didn't move it. I dug my teeth into his skin but he barely flinched.

"Jake, you can't get your own way by throwing a tantrum. Don't you think I have enough experience on how to deal with this by now?" He paused "Jake, I want you to copy my breathing, okay? In and out, okay?" He took a deep breath. After a few moments I gave in. I copied him and was surprised at how much calmer it made me feel. He made no attempt to move any part of his body, not even his finger that was bleeding now. I let go of his finger. "If I move, will you stay put?" I nodded. He sat up, so did I. I curled my knees into my chest and rested my chin on top of them.

"I love you, Jake. You know you can tell me anything. I don't care if you don't think I can help you. You're my son, I care about you and I want to know what your so called dad did to you"

"Isn't it obvious what he did to me?" I asked flatly "You heard what he did to my mum"

"Yes but that doesn't tell me what he did to you. That doesn't tell me why he did it or how that made you feel. He can't hurt you anymore, Jake"

"Then why does it feel like he can?"

"I don't know, Jake" He said softly "There's no way I can understand if you won't tell me"

"My mum could only take so much from him and he knew that. He knew that if he pushed it too far, she wouldn't be able to keep it a secret so who better to her replace her with than his son who didn't understand? My sister had just killed herself, our family was falling apart and Dad was the most violent he'd ever been. I heard the stuff he said to mum, he blamed her. It was all her fault my sister died...but he never read her suicide note" I sniffed and wiped my eyes "I was so stupid, Dad. I thought I was doing the right thing. I confronted him, Dad"

Flashback

"Daddy?" I knocked on his office door, I wasn't supposed to disturb him when he was working.