PRETTYMUCH a Lie [n.m]

Seventy-Eight

Flashback

Amanda Parker

"Mandy, I swear, one day that dumb heart of yours is going to give out on you," Sam spoke into my ear flicking his lighter on and off.

"Are you going to light it or what?" I asked waiving my cigarette in his face, dodging his remark.

He smacked his lips at me flicking the lighter one more time and bringing it to the end of my cigarette. I inhaled, instantly feeling the grimy smoke flow through my throat and pushing it out of my nose. Damn that was an addictive feeling.

"You think she will come back?" I asked him coughing slightly.

"No, and who cares. Fuck her," Sam spat lighting his cigarette and taking a big hit.

"Don't-" Before I could finish my sentence he cut me off talking again in his booming tone.

"Hey, my friends got a good bit of crystal we can have, wanna split it?" he raised his eyebrows.

I knew I shouldn't, but I needed another high. I was mainly upset about Amelia. I knew she was coming in to town yesterday, but I didn't know that she would've been at the house that early.

I didn't want Sam at the house, I actually wanted to tidy up a bit, but I had just shot up and wasn't really myself anyway. I remembered a few things from the conversation, although I know she told me she was pregnant. That part I heard for sure. I couldn't be happy about the baby either. Part of me was jealous. She said she found her dad? That fucking bastard probably filled her head with nonsense. Although I guess it wad all true. I couldn't stand that bastard after he told me he wanted to go back to school. That was the first night I ever shot up and let me tell you it was such a good night; I don't even remember what happened next. I woke up next to a random man though, but the high that I experienced was like no other.

From then on I didn't care about Robert anymore. He was obviously moving on to bigger and better things, so that meant I should to. And I was. I couldn't lie to myself, I was proud of Amelia. There would always be a soft spot for Amelia in my heart, sober. She was making straight A's in college and now she was pregnant with my grand baby. There was a lot that I missed from her childhood since that first shoot up.

Sober me wanted to get back to normal, she wanted to try to mend the relationship with Amelia. High me didn't want any of that bullshit. I just wanted to get even more high. I would always tell myself that it would be my last time. I knew it was a lie every time I said it though. I was a lost cause.

"You know what, let's go," I replied standing up from my chair and stumbling to the door.

A smile flashed across Sam's face as he followed me out of the door and to his car. I rolled down his window and tossed my head out of the side feeling the wind smack against my face in a cool whirl.

"I'm still chugging along, Satan!" I shouted into the night.

An hour later, I was stoned out of my mind. This was how I liked it though. Whenever I was feeling down about myself, feeling like I was a piece of shit for the things I had done, feeling sorry for myself, there was always meth and coke somewhere around to make me feel better. It blocked out those horrible thoughts.

And that's what I was addicted to.

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-Tay