PRETTYMUCH a Lie [n.m]

Eighty-Five

Flashback

Amanda Parker

"I think I'm done," I stuttered feeling the room spin.

The minute I started tripping out was when I knew I'd hit my limit. It has been this way forever, I'd smoked this shit for so long, the high just didn't feel the same anymore. I wanted to get better. I think it was time.

Normally, I got high to speed away from my problems, to push them on the back burner. Even since Amelia visited, I couldn't enjoy my high anymore. I realized that I was so rude to her. I didn't want her to know but I was so happy that I was having a grand baby. I wondered what she would name him? I figured if I could stay clean until the baby was born, maybe I would have a chance at being a grandma. Maybe Amelia would forgive me for everything I had done to her and put her through. Fuck this shit. This wasn't worth it.

My daughter should come first, what the actual fuck was wrong with me? I pushed myself up and stumbled to my feet, clutching the wall for stability while I felt around for the kitchen. I forgot whose house we had came to, probably one of Sam's friends, although he was no where to be seen. He was probably shooting up with someone in the backyard.

I searched the disgusting fridge for a water bottle or any sort of beverage. I pushed aside the beer bottles knocking a few of them over before getting dizzy again and just shutting the fridge. The tightness in my chest slowly grew with every step that I took toward the kitchen sink. Thinking it was just side effects to the cheap crack, I rinsed out a cup and ran some water in it.

When I finished the cup of water, I analyzed the counter top noticing the mess. This whole kitchen was filthy. I washed my hands with soap before I drunk another cup of water.

The faster I rode through this high, the faster I could get to a meeting and get back to being Amelia's mom. If she would even accept me. That poor girl had tried so many endless times to help me out and I didn't thank her once, not to mention even taken her seriously. I have a lot to make up for, but she was worth it. It was worth it to make it up for her and my grandchild. If she's been in contact with Robert then I'm sure he's told her some pretty horrible things about me as well. I'll have to make up for those too. But I wanted to. I needed to. Before I could plan any further, a painful sting shot through my chest and into the pit of my stomach causing me to double over.

I held my stomach and onto my chest to try to get the pain to resolve itself but the shock of the sting kept intensifying. Soon, I was on my knees on the dirty floor gasping for air. Why couldn't I breath? I needed to breath. I felt the pain shoot all over my body, in and through my arms and legs and up to my brain making me screw my eyes shut.

Shit. I needed to start taking my heart medication again. I knew exactly what this was.

I didn't know what I would do if I didn't get through this. I tried to keep good thoughts as I fell on my side slowly letting go of my stomach and chest and watching my arms fall to the ground as well. I had to get through this, there was so much left to do. Stay awake. You're not finished here.

I felt the chance to reconcile with my daughter slip through my fingers as they relaxed themselves on the floor. As much as I fought with myself to keep my eyes open they slowly started to shut as the pit in my stomach went numb. Everything was numb. My eyes closed.

I had to!

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-Tay