Life and Death-1

No Sadie No Problem

Thank you for the support. I loved writing this chapter so enjoy.

"Gen!" I hear Mark calling after me and I keep walking. "Gen, please. Please just listen to me." He continues to beg.

"Listen to what?" I turn around looking at him all banged up from his fight with Owen. "You started a fight with Owen because he showed interest in me."

"I...that was wrong of me I shouldn't have done that. I...I want to be better for you Gen I do I..."

"Be better for yourself Mark. This...this is unacceptable. You forced me to go even when I told you no. You forced me a way to find this clarity and the moment I try and find it you ignore me and start a fight with the man I was developing some sort of relationship with."

"So Hunt is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?'

"No!"

"Then why him? Why..."

"Why not you?" Mark stops talking. "No matter how many times I tell you how much I love that doesn't matter. You need to love yourself before you can love someone else."

"It was a mistake to let you go."

"But you keep doing it. At some point, I have to blame myself for not learning from it. I am worth more than being jerked around by you men. I'm stronger than this. I'm worth more than this!"

"Yes, you are. I am so wrong about everything. I should never have broken things off. I should have..."

"You say that you want this life with me but...Mark, you're not mature enough to know what you want."

"And you are? You know what you want? And that's Hunt?"

"Why does it always come back to Owen? I...all we did was share one kiss Mark just one. There was nothing more."

"You wanted there to be!"

"I was doing what you told me to do! I was doing what you told me to do! I was finding clarity."

"And did you? Did you find clarity?"

"I'm more confused now than ever Mark. I never stopped loving you but...I don't know if loving you is good for me."

"Gen..."

"You somewhat propose to me and want me to build a life with you but...if when things get hard you pull away. How am I supposed to handle that?"

"You deserve better."

"You're right. I do deserve better." I look down and feel tears streaming down my face. "I was forcing myself to care more for Owen because I wanted to see if I could love someone else as I love you and...I couldn't do it. I couldn't get past the one kiss. I couldn't get past loving you. I couldn't get past being loved by you."

"Let me love you then."

"No!" I keep Mark away from me. "No, you need to know what you want now Mark because I know what I want. I want to love all of you Mark but you have to love yourself first. You have to stop doubting that I could love you. You have to know that breaks don't solve anything. I have to be able to work with you through the good and the bad and not worry that you're going to run away. I want all of you, Mark."

"I'm not giving up on us Gen. I know that you're the person I've been looking for all my life."

"Then stop pushing me away. Stop tossing me to the side like I'm nothing." He tries to reach out and brush the tear from my face but I pull away.

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It's pouring rain at 3 am but all that matters is solo surgery. That's the only thing I can keep my mind on because if I let it focus on anything else then I'm reminded how much my life is falling apart. "You find Lexie doing what?" I ask Cristina in disbelief as we walk to the hospital.