The Sun is Gone

Shame

I was startled out of sleep by the phone ringing. I lifted my head from Kurt's chest and leaned over him to grab it.
"Hello?" I said nervously, as Kurt stirred and opened his eyes.
"Hey Lizzy, it's me," I heard Craig's voice on the other end of the line and I glanced at the alarm clock. It was three in the afternoon! "I just wanted to let you know I got to New York. I just got checked into my hotel."
"That's great. You made good time." I stifled a yawn as I finished waking up.
"Yeah, my flight was right on schedule."
"Good. I'm glad."
"Are you having a good day?" He asked.
"Yeah... I actually caught a little nap this afternoon." I was aware of Kurt's eyes, fixed on mine.
"That's good, Lizzy. I know you haven't been sleeping well."
"Yeah. I feel a bit better now." It was a lie. I was back to lying again, and I hated myself for it.
"Great. Well, I just wanted to let you know I made it. So, I'll be home Thursday afternoon. I'll give you a call again when I get a chance, but I'm going to be pretty busy."
"It's okay, Craig. I understand. Good luck with your interviews."
"Thanks. I'm really excited about this!" I could hear the enthusiasm in his voice and it killed me that I was back here cheating on him. "I'm sorry, though, Lizzy," he added. "I feel bad leaving you all alone."
"It's okay," I answered, my heart sinking. "I'll be okay. I have work, and I'll be working on my writing."
"Well, I hope you can keep busy. I'll see you soon, sweetheart."
"I'll see you soon."
"I love you."
"Love you too," I answered, feeling sick.
"Bye, Lizzy."
"Bye." I hung up the phone and finally dared to make eye contact with Kurt. He looked stricken.
"I think I should go, Liz. This was a mistake. A huge mistake." His eyes started welling up with tears, but he didn't move.
"Kurt, no. Please." I hated myself for begging him to stay, but I couldn't bear the thought of being without him. I threw myself against him and held him close to me. He was tentative, but he wrapped his arms around me.
"Oh, Liz," he breathed. I rested my head against his shoulder, running my fingers over his bare chest, admiring how beautiful he was. I could feel him gazing at me. I wanted to stay just like this, for as long as I could.
"What are we doing?" He asked, finally.
"I—I don't know, Kurt."
"God, why is this always so complicated for us?"
"Maybe this is when I finally leave and come with you," I suggested.
"Liz, sweetheart. I can't take you away from this place. I mean, look at it. You have a beautiful life. I'll never be able to give you something this nice."
"Kurt, that's not what matters..."
"Liz, I don't even have a place to live anymore. I lost that apartment. I have literally been living on Dave's couch. I can't ask you to leave all of this for me."
"But you know I would, Kurt."
"Would you, though? Haven't we been down this road?"
"We have... and then you broke up with me."
"Liz... you let it linger on for months without breaking things off with him. For God's sakes, you got engaged. I told you, I fucked up by leaving you, but I was hurt." Kurt's voice broke and I felt my heart shatter.
"Kurt, I don't want to fight. Please. I'm so sorry." I stared into his beautiful blue eyes with my own. His pain was crushing me. "I haven't been fair to you, and you deserved so much better. I'll leave. I'll pack my things right now and come with you. I still have inheritance money. We can get a hotel, and I can find us a place to live...in Seattle or where ever."
"I can't let you do that, love." Kurt took one of my hands in his own and squeezed it tightly. "You're obviously successful here. I can never take that away from you. Nor can I spend all your money."
"Kurt... then what do we do?" I asked.
"I—I think this is it, Liz. I think we have to say goodbye and live our separate lives."
"Kurt." I started sobbing, in gigantic, heaving gasps, feeling pain I didn't even know I was holding inside. Kurt wasn't doing much better than I was, but he pulled me as tightly against him as he could, kissing my forehead.
As my crying slowed, I dared to look up at him, and found that he was gazing at me, his eyes dark and intense.
I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his. I kissed him passionately, trying to convey everything I felt for him. I knew it was all wrong, but I couldn't help it.
After a few seconds, he responded and started kissing me back with equal intensity, both of us desperate and eager.
"Kurt, please don't leave yet," I begged him as he started kissing my neck. It didn't seem like he intended to leave anymore, but I didn't want to take any chances.
"I won't," he promised, and we continued to enjoy each other's company. Even though I was consumed by how wrong it was, I could almost forget it all when Kurt's lips were on me. When he made love to me, I could feel the intoxicating intensity of our love for one another. I had never felt anything close to this with anyone else, and I knew I never would again. I needed Kurt. No matter how messed up things were, I'd only ever felt right when I was with him.
He was sweet and gentle and perfect, making sure to take care of me in every way he knew I liked.
Afterwards, we held one another as tightly as we could, silence filling the air around us. I didn't want to talk to Kurt about him leaving—I didn't want to have to think about it. Somehow, every single moment we got to spend together made all the pain we'd caused one another worth it. I couldn't handle Kurt walking in and out of my life at random—particularly if he was truly going to walk out for good this time.
"Kurt?" I broke the silence, speaking from my heart. "I need to be with you. Only you. I don't care about any of these material things." I gestured around my bedroom. "Nothing in my life means anything without you. And I don't care about money. None of this has meaning without you. It never will. Please, let me leave with you. I promise... I promise I'll go with you and never look back." I watched the series of emotions play out on Kurt's face as he stared at me. He was silent for a moment.
"Liz, sweetheart, I don't think that's a decision you can make this quickly. I just showed up here a few hours ago, seeing you for the first time in months. Whatever happens, I need to know that you've taken time to think it through."
"Craig is gone until Thursday," I explained. "Stay with me." Kurt brushed a hand through my hair as he gazed at me. I could tell he was wrestling with his thoughts.
"I'll have to make some phone calls to rearrange my schedule. But I can't say no to that offer." A small smile spread across Kurt's lips and it was infectious. I felt like a weight was lifted, and I smiled back at him. "You're too beautiful for words," he told me, and I felt myself blush.
"Please don't leave without me, Kurt."
"I won't leave without us making a plan, Liz. I'm really bad at staying away from you. I don't think I'd be able to do it, no matter how wrong this is."
"I know. But I love you, Kurt."
"I will always love you, Liz." We kissed softly on the lips. "We will figure out something." We kissed again. "Don't you have a job you have to go to this week though?" He asked.
"I have sick time," I answered. "I think I've come down with the flu. I'm not missing a single minute that I get to have with you here." I snuggled close to him.
"As unethical as that sounds, I would be completely okay if we didn't leave this bed," Kurt whispered to me suggestively. I giggled as he rubbed his nose against mine. This all felt too good to be true.
"We'll take the next few days to think about how to work out this situation, okay?"
"Okay," I answered. "But my mind is already made up. I only want you."