The Sun is Gone

Endings

"Mmm, Kurt," I sighed as his hand slid across my body. We'd just finished some amorous activities and were cuddling in bed. Kurt cracked a smile at me.

"You're so adorable, Elizabeth. I could just stay like this with you forever." He pulled my body closer to him.

"I certainly wouldn't complain," I answered, leaning in close to him and kissing his jawline.

"God, this is heaven, right here with you. Nothing could be better."

"Aww, Kurt," my lips found his again and he rolled me over on my back. I guess we weren't finished just yet.

After another round of activities that were all about me (knowing how much Kurt loves me is terrifying at times) we finally climbed from bed and got dressed.

"Do you need a shower sweetheart?" Kurt asked.

"Not really, do you?"

"Not without you," he winked and I giggled. Kurt seemed quiet as we got ready.

"What's wrong?" I asked. Kurt shifted his eyes to the ground like he always does and I knew something was wasn't right.

"Please tell me," I begged.

"Elizabeth," he looked like he was going to cry. "I know I said I'd stay until you could leave... but Krist has done some amazing work and we might be able to get signed to a record label. I have to be there for the negotiations though."

I stared at him silently for a moment.

"You already have a plane ticket back," I said softly. It wasn't a question. Kurt slowly nodded.

"It's tomorrow night."

I just stared at him, not saying a word. Part of me was happy that the band was progressing but part of me was shattering inside that I had to say goodbye so soon. I couldn't live like this. Maybe being a musician's wife would never be for me. If he got even mildly popular he'd be gone all the time and I'd barely see him. My heart shattered as I started to cry harder than I ever had before. Kurt reached out to comfort me.

"Don't, please." He stepped back.

"You're angry with me. I'm sorry." He said flatly.

"I need some time to think," was all I could manage to say. And I went out to sit on the patio alone.

I was chain-smoking to fight back my tears. I didn't know what to do. I loved Kurt more than anything in the world and I wanted him to achieve his dreams. He wasn't just kind of talented--he was amazing. I knew in my heart that he could become something great. But I also knew he would give it all up for me if I wanted. He loved me that much. But it wasn't fair for me to steal his dream away like that.

This is how it's always going to be. He'll be gone all the time. I'll always be waiting for him-- only seeing him a little while at a time. I don't want to be one of those girls who follows along to every show. I want my own life and my own career.

I just don't see how this is ever going to possibly work, and it's killing me inside. I feel like I'm already dead. The thought of letting him go is more than I can handle. But if I prolong it I'll only make it worse. I curled up and cried, gasping, heaving sobs, to the point I'd hyperventilate. I longed for his comfort. Part of me was missing. Could I live without that part? Whatever it took. Because I couldn't be the one to ruin Kurt's dream.

And now I had to do the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life. I had to tell him.

I found Kurt in the living room, curled into a ball, crying as hard as I had been. My heart completely shattered. I didn't know how I'd ever to what I needed to to.

"I fucked up," Kurt cried. "I lied to you. I don't ever want to lie to you." I wanted so badly to hold him and tell him it was okay, but I just couldn't do it.

I stood there, tears streaming from my eyes.

"We need to talk," I managed to choke out, taking a seat on the chair opposite of the couch.

"Oh God," Kurt moaned, remaining slumped over.

"Kurt, I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone and I will never stop loving you."

"But?" Kurt asked, as though he knew what was coming. I sobbed.

"You're leaving. Right now you're leaving. And that's fine. The band is important. I want so badly for you to be successful. I believe in you more than anything. I don't want to be the thing that gets in your way."

"Oh, Liz" Kurt tried to reach out for me and I pushed him away.

"But this is going to be life for us. You're always going to be away performing. I know you're going to be good enough. And then it will be this way all the time. With you gone all the time. And I can't live that way. I won't be a little groupie girl who follows you around. I want my own career. Plus I don't ever want you to decide to give something up for me."

"So what are you saying?" asked Kurt, his entire body trembling.

"I--I'm saying I think we should break up!" I barely got the words out before I took off crying for the porch. I heard Kurt follwoing.

"Liz! Liz" I could hear in Kurt's voice that he was crying. This was killing us. But it was for the best.

He took a seat in the farthest away patio chair from mine and just stared at me.

"I can't believe you're serious," he stared at me, with so much hurt in those blue eyes that it stabbed right through my soul.

"Listen, I don't want the kind of life where you're always gone and then you come home to me sometimes. That's not the life for me. I want someone whose here with me that I can share a life with."

"Then I'll stop the band. I'll quit altogether. It can be just you and me, all the time."

"I can't let you do that, Kurt. You have so much talent, and I refuse to be what holds you back. I will always love you more than anything in the universe. So do this for me, please?"

"I can't imagine life without you," Kurt cried out, and the pain in his voice broke me. I went over to comfort him. I held his face in my hand, marveling his perfect features. When he tried to kiss me, I let him.

Soon we were kissing like we never had before--desperately.

"How will I live without this?" Kurt wondered, between kissing my neck and my jawline. He felt so good I almost changed my mind. Tears streamed from my cheek.

"I understand your decision, Liz. It's going to be a lot to deal with with the band." Kurt said. "I just wish there was a better away."

I ran my fingers through his yellow hair, trying to memorize the way it felt.

"Me too, sweetheart."

"I do have one request though, Elizabeth"

"What's that?"

"Please let me have tonight with you? I need to let you know everything you'll mean to me forever."

I thought about it. Having sex with someone you just broke up with was usually not smart. But these circumstances were different. And God, I wanted him.

"I am yours until you leave." I knew I might regret the decision later, but for now he was all I wanted. When he led me to the bedroom, I didn't object.