The Sun is Gone

Mistakes

"Liz, come on. You can't stay in bed again all day!" I heard Lisa call from the doorway of my bedroom. I ignored her and stuffed my head under my pillow.

Three weeks had passed since Kurt had gone. Three weeks since I'd ended things with him forever. And I was horrified that I'd rushed into making the wrong choice.

"I will drag you out of there!" Lisa threatened. I groaned. I'd always thought that living with my best friend would be kind of fun. But at the moment it was not in the slightest.

I owed a lot to Lisa. She worked really hard to help my aunt get my old house finished and ready to go on the market, while I barely managed to pack my own belongings, let alone do anything else. 

The house was only on the market for a day when it sold above asking price. I was able to get enough inheritance money to move out, and Lisa and I were now sharing our own apartment near UC Berkeley where she was enrolled and going to start attending in just two weeks. Maybe I'd go to college sometime too, if I ever got myself out of this rut.

Lisa literally grabbed my arm and started pulling me from under the covers, until I nearly fell.
"Okay, okay, I'm up," I muttered grumpily, landing on my feet. I could feel that my eyes were sore and puffy from crying, my head was pounding and my body ached. 

"Come on. Get a shower. I making some breakfast and then we're going out for a walk."
"Okay, mom!" The snark in my voice reminded me of the way Kurt would talk and my heart seized in my chest yet again, taking my breath away. 

I stumbled to my bathroom where I immediately reached for a pill bottle hidden all the way in the back of my medicine cabinet. Morphine. Lisa could never know that I managed to still refill my dead father's prescription. I felt sick about it as I popped a few of the tiny pills out onto my hand and threw them back with a sip of water. I'd feel better soon.

I went through the motions of showering and dressing in the first clothes I could find. I made my way out to the kitchen where Lisa had cooked a full breakfast of eggs, oatmeal and fresh fruit. I could also smell the wonderful scent of coffee.

"Wow, Lisa," I commented, sitting down at our small kitchen table.

"Well, we're adults now. I figured we should try to act like it." She shrugged. Lisa's parents were weird. They were strict, but also not around a lot of the time. I knew Lisa was happy to be free of that household. 

I could barely stomach eating anything but I appreciated Lisa's gesture, so I ate what I could. And of course I drank some coffee.

Later I trudged through a walk with Lisa, smoking all the while.

"Ugh, are you really going to keep smoking?" Lisa asked. She'd quit a few months ago.

"I don't know. Why not?" I asked. Nothing in life mattered anymore.

"I have to be honest, Liz. I think you made the wrong choice about Kurt." I drew in a deep breath. This wasn't a conversation I wanted to have. "Just listen to me, please. I think it was very obvious that you two are very in love--like more than just some teenage bullshit like my dumbass boyfriends-- you guys really have something that's strong and lasting. I think you're giving up something that a lot of people never find. If you want Kurt to be successful, you should be there to support him, not abandon him."

"Are you serious right now?" I demanded. "I didn't want to abandon him! I didn't want to hold him back! He would have always chosen me over his music and that's not fair to him!"

"He could have had both. You guys could have had both. You could have stayed and been supportive of him. You could have made it work. You always run away when things get hard, Elizabeth."