The Sun is Gone

Sorrow

A/N: Sorry it has been a few days. I'm getting back to working on writing again now. :)

Liz's POV

I just got home from my new editing job. I was working for a local travel magazine. I had needed something to occupy my mind after Kurt and I ended things. Some days it helped more than others.
It had been about a month since Kurt announced his engagement, and I'd finally stopped hearing about it on a daily basis. Now if I heard anything about them it was that they were using heroin—that Courtney was using while pregnant. I really hoped that wasn't true. No matter how upset I was, I'd never wish for any harm to befall Kurt's poor child.
As for me, I didn't think I'd ever entirely get over Kurt. I'd loved him too much. Plus I still saw his face and heard his voice too often. I spent too much time thinking about how he had said he didn't want to stop seeing me. I never wanted to stop seeing him, either. But he had gotten someone else pregnant. Courtney wasn't my favorite, but she deserved someone to be there for her and care about her and their baby. But if Kurt was so eager to cheat with me days before their engagement, then who was to say he wouldn't just go do it again? Not to mention, Courtney had also been seeing other people up until she found out she was pregnant—and I was only assuming she had stopped. I didn't think the two of them seemed likely to stay together as a family. But I knew how strong Kurt's feelings on family were. I hoped that he didn't get hurt. At the end of the day, all I wanted is for him to be healthy and happy. If not with me, then with someone.
I was just sitting down my briefcase when my phone rang. It was probably Craig calling from
New York where he was working this week.
"Hello," I answered.
"Liz!" Kurt's voice made me freeze up instantly. "Can we talk?"
"Umm... I don't—I don't think that's a good idea," I answered.
"Please, Liz. I want to apologize to you."
"For what?" I asked.
"For everything. Please can we just meet up and talk?" My heart raced in my chest. This was wrong. It was so wrong. I never thought I'd see him in person again, but God did I want to. I drew in a deep breath.
"Okay. When and where?"
"As soon as you can. And I'm staying at the one motel we stayed at once." He rattled off the address and I jotted it down.
"Okay. I'll be over as soon as I can," I answered.
"Okay, bye."
"Bye." I hung up.
After changing out of my work attire into jeans and a casual top, I climbed into my car and headed off in the direction of the motel. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" began playing on the radio as I drove. I shook my head. "Damn you, Kurt Cobain," I muttered under my breath.
The drive wasn't far. I pulled up to the dingy motel and cut the engine, walking to room four. My mind was having a million flashbacks as I meandered over and knocked on the door, shaking with nerves.
The door swung open.
"Hi Liz," Kurt said quietly.
"Hi Kurt."
"Come in." I stepped through the door. The room was tidy. There was nothing strewn about—no personal items at all.
"Oh, you're not staying here?" I asked, looking around.
"No. We're staying at a nicer hotel across town. But Courtney decided to go do a short tour with Hole even though I didn't want her to. No one knows I'm over here, so we won't get spotted." Kurt seemed stressed. I took my first good look at him. He looked great. He was clean shaven and his hair was recently washed. His skin looked healthy and he didn't seem quite so frail as when I'd seen him last.
"Oh?" I asked.
"I just worry so much about our baby, Liz. I want that baby to be happy and healthy more than anything. It scares me when Courtney goes away to work. I feel like it's not safe."
"I'm sure she's careful," I answered, although I had no way to be sure of that at all.
"Have you seen the news reports, Liz?" Kurt asked me, his blue eyes filled with a deep sorrow.
"I saw that you're engaged," I answered.
"Well that makes the two of us. No, I mean the heroin stories."
"I mean, I've heard it," I answered cautiously. Kurt sighed and shook his head, staying silent for a moment.
"I just don't want people to think I don't care about my baby. Nothing else matters." His voice threatened to break. "Courtney did use," he continued. "She did it once—that I know of. We had a big fight. It was my fault."
"How was it your fault, Kurt?" I felt a weird wave of anger towards Courtney for making a Kurt feel that way.
"I was still using and I had drugs in our hotel room. She said it was too hard to resist when I was throwing it right in her face." Kurt's face looked pained. "And I don't know how the media caught wind of us using... I wasn't careful enough about it. I know that. But they're making it sound so much worse than it is. I hate how they're vilifying Courtney. I don't really fucking care what they say about me."
"Kurt, I know it's awful what they're saying. But you know the truth. You know what's real."
"I don't though. That's the problem, Liz. I want to believe Courtney about not using. I really do. But I fight that battle all the time and I know how goddamn hard it is. I wanted her to stay with me. I haven't used around her or even in the same place as her since then. And I won't. I've barely used at all—only a couple of times when my stomach was unbearable. That's how much I care about this baby, Liz. Because it's fucking hard. And I'm worried that now that she's off with her band the temptation will be too strong. I can't bear the thought of something happening to our baby." Kurt's voice broke, his eyes filled to the brim with tears. I instantly made a motion to start to move forward to hug him, then realized what I was doing, paused and stepped back.
"I'm so sorry, Kurt. That's really tough." As much as I wanted to be angry with Courtney, I'd seen how difficult it was for Kurt to battle with his heroin habit. I knew it only took a second of weakness. I hoped their baby would be okay. Kurt was actually crying now, the pain in his blue eyes piercing daggers through my chest. He reached out his arms to hug me, his face so desperate that I couldn't resist. I reached out for him and he pulled me close, holding me against him as I felt him sobbing. My own eyes threatened tears.  I wrapped my own arms around him as tightly as I could.
It felt so perfect to be in his embrace. The familiar, comforting smell of his cigarettes mixed with aftershave was flooding my mind with memories I'd fought so hard to destroy.
"I ruined it, Liz. I ruined everything."
"No you didn't, Kurt. You didn't."