The Sun is Gone

Away

Kurt's POV

I was ready to abandon all this shit, run off and fly home. We were in God knows what godforsaken European city, or country for that matter. I wasn't exactly here to be a tourist, especially since it seemed like I got recognized even more in Europe than I did in the US. Or maybe I was just growing sick of it.
Krist, Dave and I were so tired of one another that we had this whole passive-aggressive friendship thing mastered. No one else recognized the little jabs we were constantly taking at one another.
Courtney had somehow invited herself along on part of the tour with us. I had mixed feelings about this. I suppose I could have put a stop to it if I really wanted to, so I guess maybe I didn't really want to. She was a bandaid for my loneliness and pain, but poured fuel on the fire that was my perpetual self-loathing. I'd gotten lazy about hiding track marks or the fact that we shared a hotel room more often than not.
So, should I really have been caught off guard when some heavily accented interviewer asked if I was dating the lead singer of Hole? Probably not, but I still was. I think my answer was something along the lines of, "sure, I guess."
Liz and I were rarely on the same page. Time zones were fucking things up. Our promised daily calls turned into weekly ones. A half an hour turned into a quick five minutes. I had to guard myself from how much I really missed her or I'd have a breakdown I didn't think I'd recover from. So I made myself distant, even though I knew it was probably killing her.
We had a night off from performing for once. I had given everyone strict instructions to leave me the fuck alone in my room. I wanted to enjoy my poor choices in no one's company but my own tonight.
I wasn't alone more than two minutes before I had drugs coursing through my veins.
"You fuckin' junkie," I muttered at my tired, sallow reflection in the mirror. Whatever hope I had of stopping this shit had ended on this goddamn tour.
I heard the phone ring and realized that I hadn't asked anyone to hold my calls.
"God damn it," I muttered. I knew it would be Liz. I'd been mostly avoiding her, but I couldn't do that forever. I felt really guilty as it was.
"Hello?" I grabbed the phone.
"Kurt!" Liz exclaimed. "What is going on?" She sounded upset.
"Umm, what do you mean?" I asked slowly, my head feeling a little cloudy from the drugs.
"I saw a news report about you." There was a pause, and it dawned on me what this must have been about. "You're dating Courtney Love?" Liz's voice was even-kilter, not raised or angry. I hated it. I wished she'd scream at me. I could tell she still thought maybe there was some sort of mistake.
"Umm... kinda..." I couldn't come up with any more eloquent words to admit my... my what, exactly? Infidelity? Liz had been with Craig the whole time since we'd gotten back together.
"I'm just confused, Kurt," Liz answered sadly. "I know I have no right to be angry, because of Craig, but I just would like to know what's going on."
"Look, Liz. I don't have a great explanation. It's really lonely here. I—I guess Courtney has just been someone to keep me company because I already spend so much time with Krist and Dave. And it just sort of happened."
"Okay... well is it serious?" Liz's voice sounded small.
"No, Liz. I am serious about you," I promised. "No one else will be you. Ever. I promise."
"I just want you to be okay, Kurt. I understand that you are lonely."
"You're too understanding of me," I answered. I didn't deserve her.
"I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt, Kurt. But you wanted me to come along and I refused. So how can I blame you for having a girlfriend who wants to be seen in the spotlight with you?" It was only at the end of the sentence that I heard her voice start to crack, and my heart shattered.
"Oh, Liz," I said softly. "I miss you. I don't deserve you."
"Just come home soon, okay?" she asked, and I could tell that she was crying.
"As soon as I can, sweetheart."
"I love you, Kurt."
"I love you, too." I hung up the phone. I didn't deserve Liz. She should have yelled and screamed at me for how I was hurting her, but instead she just tried to understand. I wished so badly that she would have come here with me. I wished I could walk around in broad daylight holding her hand for the world to see—not Courtney's.
And then I felt more guilty. I was just being selfish. Courtney was too nice to deserve just being used by me because I was lonely and missing Liz. I should not have been leading her on. But it seemed like lately the only thing I cared at all about was myself. And I cared about myself very little.
My high was already wearing off and I found myself in the bathroom again, another needle in my arm, another round of fabricated euphoria. I used a bit more this time, so I sat on the ground nodding out for a bit. It was a pleasant, warm feeling. This couldn't be wrong, could it? The rest of the world felt so cold and cruel. Why couldn't I have this?
I heard a knock at my hotel room door. Damn it, I had told them all to leave me alone. I ignored the knock. A moment later, I heard it again.
"Fuck," I muttered, pulling myself off of the floor.
"Kurt!" I could hear Courtney's voice on the other side of the door before I swung it open.
"Hey," she said with a smile.
"Hey," I answered. She stepped though the door, pushing it shut behind her.
She wrapped her arms around my neck and started to kiss me. I made no move to stop her. At least now Liz knew and she wasn't entirely angry. So, I spent the night with Courtney again, and when I woke up the next morning, I found ways to justify all of my poor decisions, even though somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I was headed for disaster.