The Sun is Gone

Changes

Kurt's POV

"MTV. We're on fucking MTV." Dave stared in disbelief at the TV in his living room. Our music video for "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was playing.
"Yeah, we're like super famous now!" Krist kicked his feet up on the arm of the sofa and reclined with his hands behind his head. "Big time rock stars." His tone was sarcastic. "Bring on the money, drugs and hookers, man."
"Yeah, tell that to your girlfriend," I answered from where I was sitting cross-legged on the floor packing a bowl.
"Dude, I just want to get an apartment that doesn't smell like old cigarettes, weed, and piss that's been in the carpet for twenty years," Dave commented.
"Sorry about your luck," I commented, proceeding to take a hit from the bowl in my hand.
"You piss on the floor?" Krist asked, trying to keep a straight face but failing.
"I mean, only when I'm too stoned to walk to the bathroom," I answered.
"You know that couch is Kurt's bed, right Krist?" Dave laughed.
"Should I be concerned?" Krist asked wrinkling his nose.
"Elaborate on what you mean by 'concerned'," I laughed.
"What Kurt means to say is never ever bring a black light in here," Dave cringed as he cracked up laughing.
"Out of sight, out of mind," I answered, deadpan, passing the bowl to Krist.
"Maybe that's what teen spirit really smells like," Krist laughed, taking a hit.
"The musky scent of armpits mixed with the enticing aroma of old piss, sprinkled with notes of weed and cigarette smoke," Dave chuckled.
"Bottle that shit up!" Krist added. "We're putting the deodorant company out of business. This is what teens really want to smell like." Dave cracked up laughing.
"Man, where did I ever find you crazy fucks?" I groaned, smirking.
"I personally like to think that fate brought us all together, so that one day they'll write about us in the history books," Krist jabbered sarcastically.
"When's the last time you picked up a history book?" Dave laughed.
"He'd have to learn how to read first," I added.
"Man, they'll have pictures, okay?" Krist exclaimed.
"Pretty little stick figure drawings," I laughed.
"Who the fuck is buying this book?" Dave asked.
"Why, the same fine folks who are buying our fragrance line, of course," Krist answered.
"Alright, you business tycoons. Can we just stick to music?" I asked.
"Fine, mom." Krist rolled his eyes exaggeratedly.
Even though our music video had finished playing on TV, I kept replaying it over in my head, analyzing it, wishing it were better. There were times when I almost loved it and times when it made me cringe so hard that I was horrified anyone was seeing it. I couldn't even process the thought of how many viewers MTV had. Life had been a surreal haze for a couple of weeks now.
I was waiting for it to calm down, but the opposite was happening. This damn album was getting more and more and more attention. People actually recognized me when I went places—not just here and there like before, but truly everywhere I went.
I was achieving my goal. I was doing what Elizabeth had said I'd do all those years ago. And I couldn't pin down how I felt about it.
We were unfathomably busy. Appearances, interviews, tour dates—I couldn't keep track of it all. I just did what they told me, unless I didn't feel like it.
And then there was Elizabeth. I felt like a monster. I hadn't called. I hadn't taken her calls. I never showed up to collect her. I hated myself for it, I truly did. And I missed her like crazy—so much that I cried every night when I was finally alone. But the timing was never right. We were constantly busy. And this was precisely what she didn't want. It was exactly why she had originally broken up with me. Even though I knew I should talk to her, I couldn't bring myself to do it. She didn't want this life. She had made it very clear to me one time. That pain lingered in my heart even though I had once thought it was gone.
She eventually stopped calling. That did nothing to stop my pain. If anything, it made it worse. Even if I couldn't have her, I wanted to know she was thinking of me. And if she wasn't calling anymore, then she must have gotten over it. Maybe we never loved each other as much as we thought we had. But that couldn't be true. No, that definitely wasn't true. But things never seemed to work out. It was like the universe was fighting against us.
"Kurt, man. You're quiet," Dave commented after a few moments. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," I answered. "Just contemplating which of you two will make the better spokesman for this proposed cologne when we start inevitably shooting commercials." Dave chuckled but Krist wasn't having it.
"Nah, you're thinking of her again," he commented.
"Oh my God. Why don't you just call her?" Dave added, a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"The last thing she ever wanted was this life," I answered. "How can I make her live a life she didn't want? Besides, she's stopped calling."
"Well, I think you should have at least given her a chance to decide if she wanted to be with you," Krist chimed in. "I always liked Liz. She was good for you."
"I'm not good for her," I answered back. "I told her I would walk away from music for her, and now I don't think I can," I admitted.
"We all know she'd never want that for you, dude," said Dave. "Especially not now."
"I don't know," I answered. "I just don't know how to fix it. "I wish there was a way to have everything, but I just don't think it's in the cards for me."
"Dude, you like haven't even tried," Krist answered.
"Hey, I appreciate your concern... since you two are clearly relationship experts... but how about you just, umm...I don't know. Fuck off?"
"Geez, moody," Dave commented. I shook my head and took another hit from the bowl we were passing around.
I didn't know how I was going to have the patience to deal with any of this.