The Sun is Gone

Without You

~Four Years Later~

"Liz, how's that essay going for Elliot's class?" Lisa asked. We were eating lunch at a picnic table on campus, flipping through notes.

"I'm almost finished," I answered. "Craig's been a big help. He knows a lot about Shakespeare." I turned my head and smiled at my boyfriend of two years.

"I do what I can." he shrugged. "I wish you had taken my Writing for the Arts class with me. We're focused a lot on reviewing music. It's lots of fun. I have to find concerts and stuff to go to so I can write reviews of them. You guys should both come along."

"Ha. If I have time!" answered Lisa. "This semester is killer."

We were all on our last semester of college and due to graduate in the spring. I had started college a semester late, but managed to work hard enough to catch up. I was being smart with my inheritance and using it to fund my education and my housing. I didn't work so that I could focus on school and have internship opportunities. I'd had two--both in local journalism. I liked them a lot. My dream though was to be an editor.

I had met Craig my sophomore year of college. Before that, I didn't date anyone. It had taken me a long time to get over Kurt. But I'd thrown myself into academics, going above and beyond, earning nearly perfect grades. Craig ended up being in three of my classes that semester. He was very much an overachiever too, and soon we found ourselves working on lots of projects together.

I hadn't intended to date him at first. But he was funny. And it felt good to laugh. It was something I hadn't done in a long time. He was cute, too. He had dark hair and eyes that reminded me of Danny, and a lanky build and strong jawline that reminded me of Kurt. He treated me kindly and we had fun together. I loved him. Nothing would ever compare to the way I'd loved Kurt, or the way I felt when I was with him. But I'd let that go. This was better because it was stable. It was safe.

Later that day, Craig and I were walking home from campus. He had moved in with Lisa and I in our apartment.

"I'm really into this music journalism for my class," he told me excitedly. I loved the way his eyes lit up when he was passionate about something.

"That's really cool," I answered.

"This might sound crazy. But I want to do something big for my assignments. I was thinking of taking a trip to Seattle to review some bands up there. What do you think?" Craig had become a big fan of the Seattle music scene well after I'd started dating him. It always made me nervous. I'd only ever heard him mention Nirvana once, and I ended the conversation. So I knew Kurt still had a band. I was happy for him, but I tried to avoid music altogether now. Especially that genre.

"I don't know," I answered. "I'm not sure that I'd even have the time to go." I could hardly handle going to Washington again. Craig new nothing about Kurt. I'd never told him. And I didn't intend to. That was a part of my past I didn't want to share with anyone. I couldn't imagine that I'd run into Kurt in a city as big as Seattle. But it still made me horribly nervous.

"Come on, Liz. God knows you need a break. And we haven't really done much together in a long time with school." I felt bad. He was right.

"Okay, I'll come along," I agreed. I felt sick to my stomach as I said it. I was going back to Washington.

Craig planned our trip over the next few weeks. Thankfully, I heard no mention of Nirvana. He had plans for us to see Mudhoney, Love Mother Bone, and The Screaming Trees. I knew I'd heard Kurt mention The Screaming Trees before, but other than that I wasn't too concerned. After all, the odds had to be impossibly small that I could run into someone I knew in a city as big as Seattle. It had been a long time since I'd been to a concert, since I'd avoided music for so long. I was pretty excited to go because I did love live music. But I also couldn't stop panicking inside at the thought of being back in the state that I used to call home a few short years ago. The worst part was, I couldn't let Craig know anything about it.

I'd had a short talk with Lisa, since she knew about Kurt and everything. She told me that the odds of running into him in Seattle were crazy small and that I shouldn't even worry about it. She wanted me to just go and have fun. She also thought that I should probably tell Craig about Kurt at some point. But I just couldn't. There was something about that time in my life that was too entirely personal.

Craig had gone all out, reaching out to try to contact the bands to see if he could get interviews with them. He has a ridiculous amount of charisma when it comes to reporting. It's like he lives and breathes that stuff. He always wants the story. I was truly curious if any of the bands would agree to an interview with a lowly undergraduate college student. But anything was possible. And Craig was very good at what he did.

Two weeks later, I was seated on an airplane headed for SEATAC. Craig was beside me, holding my hand.

"Thanks again for coming with me, Liz. It means a lot to have you here," he said. He was a sweet guy, I told myself.

"Of course, honey," I answered. "I'm excited. It's going to be a fun weekend." And I was excited. But I was also nervous as hell.

As the plane lifted off, I felt like my past and my present were colliding in a mix I wasn't ready to handle.