The Sun is Gone

Complications

Liz's POV

"Kurt. I don't think we should..." I said as we pulled apart. His lips against mine had felt amazing—like everything I'd been missing for over the last year. Everything had felt right for a few precious seconds. But I couldn't let it keep going. Even though I wanted to.
"Please, Liz?" Kurt pleaded desperately, his sad blue eyes consuming me. How could I say no to him? "I've been so lost without you." If only he knew how much I had felt the same. I gently pulled him closer again, letting myself get lost in the sensation of kissing his lips. My mind was screaming inside but my heart was deaf to its protests.
I don't know how we went from kissing gently to just as passionately as ever. I don't know who started taking each other's clothes off first, or remember how we got to my bed. There was Kurt and only Kurt. Every place he touched me and kissed me seared my skin. He still had my body memorized. When we made love, I felt alive again for the first time in a year and a half.
I snuggled against Kurt afterwards, still ignoring my screaming mind. My heart enjoyed this. This was good.
"Elizabeth, I love you. I always will," Kurt whispered to me.
"I love you, Kurt." It was too easy to admit. I absolutely did, without a doubt. As I began to come down from the high of being with Kurt, thoughts started rattling around in my head. I pictured Kurt's little girl, Frances. I pictured Courtney, Kurt's gorgeous wife who, despite whatever flaws she had, didn't deserve him doing this.
Without thinking, I scooted away from Kurt a little, removing myself from his embrace.
"Liz?" Kurt muttered. "What's wrong?"
"You know what's wrong," I answered, tears starting to sting my eyes. "We should not have done this."
"Liz," Kurt brushed his fingers over my arm. "I can't stay away anymore. Just listen. You think Courtney hasn't cheated on me? I'll guarantee you she has. She admitted it once, and I'm sure she has more times when she was on tour."
"That doesn't make what we're doing right," I answered, although it did tug at my heart that Courtney was lucky enough to be married to Kurt and still cheated.
"We keep trying to make it work," Kurt continued, ignoring my objection. "But it's so fucking hard. All the fucking attention all the time is brutal on us. I don't blame Courtney for not wanting me sometimes. I've been a total asshole so much." I heard his voice crack and it broke me. I snuggled closer to him again.
"I'm sorry, Kurt," I whispered gently.
"Don't feel sorry for me," he answered bitterly. "I'm just this ridiculously lucky, famous person with tons of money who still whines about everything and can't stop using hard drugs to cope with my 'miserable' life."
"You have a lot of things, Kurt, but that doesn't mean that your life is easy," I answered. "I can't imagine being in your shoes." Kurt was silent for a moment.
"We talked about divorcing," he said very quietly, as though he were ashamed. "We mentioned it a few times. But can you imagine the field day the media would have with that? I can't do that to my little girl. I won't put her through it."
"So, what, then?" I asked. "You stay miserable forever?"
"Or I have you," Kurt answered, leaning over and kissing me on the forehead. He was being sweet but I needed to be forceful.
"I can't keep doing this, this way, Kurt," I told him, my own words paining me. "I told you I was ready to really be with you. That offer still stands. But only if we are really together—no more cheating."
"But that's so hypocritical, Liz. You've been cheating on Craig for years now."
"How do you know I'm even still with Craig?" I demanded, feeling some anger well up within me.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but is that not your engagement ring on your finger?" Kurt pointed out.
"Yes. Okay. But I will leave him, Kurt, if we can be together."
"I don't understand why you hold me to a higher moral standard than yourself," Kurt commented.
"You are married and have a kid," I answered. "I already hate myself for the things I've done and I feel sick wrecking a family."
"Liz, our problems are not your fault. Believe me."
"I do. I just don't want to make it worse."
"God, Liz. I just... I only ever feel happiness when I'm with you. I can't believe I ran into you here, again." The way he spoke made my heart flutter. I was terrible at staying away from him. I was terrible, period.
"I feel happier than I've felt in ages, to be here with you, despite all of my apprehension," I answered. A hint of a smile played on a Kurt's lips as he stared at me.
"You're so beautiful," he breathed. "I don't even know how I made it through the last year and a half without you. I know I've dreamt of this happening, though, so many times."
"I'd be lying if I said that I didn't hope for this too," I confessed, brushing a hand through his soft, blond hair. How did he captivate me so entirely?
We stared at one another for a long moment, my eyes gazing into his intensely blue ones that slowly relaxed from stormy to calm when I tried to reassure him silently that I wasn't going anyplace. Not right now, anyway.
When I could read that he was calmer, I leaned forward and started to kiss him. If we were making this mistake—and we already had—then I wanted to make it as thoroughly as possible. The consequences would come later.