The Sun is Gone

Argument

Liz's POV

"Liz, I'm telling you no one is going to say a thing," Kurt reassured me. "I made sure of it."
I sat across from him on my hotel room bed. I felt ill over what had happened the night before.
"How can you possibly know that?" I demanded. "I really, really fucked up."
"But you didn't," Kurt answered. "Dave was supposed to be the only one to know you were here. Courtney had sneakily followed him. It's her fucking fault she found out."
"But she's going to keep her mouth shut?" I asked. I realized I had no right to expect her to. Everything was so wrong.
"She's not going to say anything. I promise."
"What could possibly make not run her mouth?" I demanded.
"Well, for one, she doesn't want the relationship between her and I to look bad publicly. And two... I'm getting her drugs." Kurt's eyes shifted downward to the floor in shame as he admitted the last part of what he said.
"Oh my God, Kurt! Why?" I exclaimed.
"Do you want everyone to know about us?" He demanded. "It was the only way. She knows I've been seeing you off and on for a few years. She remembered you. This will keep her quiet."
"What about you guys?" I asked.
"She's okay with us seeing other people unless we get more serious. I guess she wants some other guys too. It doesn't matter. It's all taken care of."
"I don't like it, Kurt."
"I have to protect you, Liz. I will do whatever it takes."
"So I suppose you are getting yourself drugs too then?" I snapped. Kurt sighed deeply and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it as his electric blue eyes bored into me. I stared back, trying to match his intensity with my own.
"Fuck. What do you want me to say, Liz? I can't just drop the habit anymore." He reached for an ashtray on the nightstand. "I should not have let you come here, and see all of this. I am selfish. Everything about me is selfish."
"Then quit being selfish," I answered coldly.
"It's not that simple, Liz. Do you know what it's like to have millions of people watching you? To be recognized everywhere you go? No. You don't. Because you specifically choose to hide from it. That's how this whole fucking mess started."
"I'm sorry. Are you trying to blame me for your drug problem and having a second girlfriend? Honestly, Kurt Cobain, you are being beyond ridiculous."
"I pushed myself to achieve all of this for you, Liz. Remember when you broke up with me because you wanted me to pursue my music career? Well I'd say I made it." He coughed, smashing his cigarette butt into the ashtray.
"Yes, because my definition of 'fame' was definitely shooting hard drugs and paying off your junkie girlfriend with heroin to keep her mouth shut about me."
"Okay, you have no right to talk shit about Courtney. She doesn't deserve that."
"She doesn't? You're literally buying her drugs so she doesn't run to the media about us."
"You're no better. If you could just be honest about me instead of sneaking around, hiding our relationship like I humiliate you, we wouldn't be here."
"I'm no better? Am I really no better?" I reached out my arms, exposing my inner forearms. "Because I don't see any fucking track marks on my arms."
"That's a cheap fucking shot and you know it, Liz."
"Well, not all of us have the bank accounts to buy ourselves and our trashy girlfriends copious amounts of drugs as hush money, so I guess maybe I am cheap!"
"You know what? I'm done here. I'll go spend my time where I won't be judged!" He stood up, glaring daggers at me.
"Fine! Go!" And for the first time during our argument, my voice cracked. I unexpectedly gasped out a great, heaving sob, hot tears streaming down my cheeks. I wiped at my eyes, embarrassed.
"Oh, Liz," Kurt's voice softened. His piercing blue eyes studied me for a moment as I fought to regain composure. "I don't want to fight with you."
"I don't want to fight either, Kurt." He slowly walked back towards me.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do," he said more softly, vulnerability showing in his blue eyes that threatened tears. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his slender frame, noticing that he was absolutely thinner than before. He froze for a second and then wrapped his arms around me too.
"Kurt, will you please try to stop using drugs?" I asked desperately. "At lease try? I'll be here to support you."
"I'll try, Liz. I don't want to be this person. But you have to understand that I can't just stop completely. I'll be so sick, plus my stomach kills me and I have constant obligations."
"Well, we will work at it, okay?" I said, rubbing my hands over his back. "Kurt, I won't lose you to this," I vowed. Kurt pulled away from me so that he could look into my eyes.
"I promise I will try my best, Elizabeth," he vowed. "You deserve that from me. I hate causing you pain."
"I hate seeing you in pain," I answered. "We will get through this, Kurt."
"God, I am fucking exhausted," Kurt commented with a yawn. "Take a nap with me? I'll get up on time today."
"Of course, Kurt." We snuggled into my hotel room bed, arms wrapped tightly around one another. Kurt dosed off, but sleep wouldn't come for me.
I admired him as he slept, like I always loved to do. Why would he want to hurt himself so badly with dangerous drugs? He was so beautiful and talented, it broke my heart.
I pulled him even closer, hoping that if I held him close I could keep him here, alive, away from drugs, healthy. If only it all were just that simple.
But nothing was simple. Why did it all have to be so complicated? How did I let this happen?